Home→Forums→Relationships→Is this a real issue? Lack of respect?
- This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by
Matt.
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February 15, 2014 at 8:04 am #51055
Helen
ParticipantWhat to do when you feel a lack of respect. When someone is not respecting your private space, uses your room as a trash collection hall and is your boyfriend? I don’t know anymore how to do this. Because it’s a temporary living together with two other rommmates situation. I have said respectfully and clearly that I wish my room was treated as exactly that. You can have some space for your clothes but you can not leave all of your dirty laundry all over my room. And every single week I have to be the one to tell to clean it up. I am messy and chaotic myself, I do not ask for perfection. I ask for respect. Of my space, my room, my sanity. Because it drives me wild. It feels like a lack of respect towards me as a person. The person you say you love.
What would you do, when you feel like you’ve tried everything?February 15, 2014 at 3:42 pm #51072Jeanne
ParticipantAre you both paying for the space? If you are paying for at least 1/2 then claim it by putting a piece of tape down the middle of the room (not including bed) and tell them you need this to be respected. If they are not paying for the space, I would let them know that they are your guest. If they cannot keep your half neat they have 2 weeks to find another place, then the lock will be changed. Or, if you are not paying for the space but they are, ask what is the expectation for doing you this favor? Is employment as a maid expected? If not, can a large cardboard box be used for The Pile so others don’t have to look at it?
Certainly no sexual activity is available until a clear agreement is reached. You will enjoy life in the future with your newly acquired spine.
My husband & I have been married 22 years and are still having the Clutter discussion daily. We have calm tones of voice and ask each other things like, “Where can I put this so you can find it? Is this important to you? I’m taking a trip to Goodwill on Tuesday.” We each have our own room, as do our kids. If something is left in the common areas when I am cleaning it is put in their rooms. I clean the inside of the house, he cleans the outside. We both help each other occasionally. We are both messies but leave each other’s stuff alone.
I lived by myself for many years before we met, due to frustration with roommates. It was worth it to me financially/spiritually and in many ways I long for it.
Could you try the Nonviolent Communication method (in caps): “WHEN I SEE this mess I FEEL stressed because I NEED order. WOULD YOU BE WILLING to keep your things on your side of the room?”February 15, 2014 at 11:55 pm #51083The Ruminant
ParticipantHave you actually told him very clearly that you feel disrespected? Using that word.
February 16, 2014 at 7:51 am #51089Matt
ParticipantHelen,
Perhaps your feeling of disrespect goes a little deeper than your room? For instance, if I were to place a bowl of foul smelling stuff in my wife’s office, it would take her 5 seconds to ask me to remove it. It wouldn’t build up and build up until it was “piles of crap everywhere”. Consider that perhaps neither one of you are respecting how important your room is to you, and letting it “slide” until it builds and builds and explodes. Consider enforcing that boundary before it becomes a mess. Get him a hamper, for instance, and ask him to place his dirty clothes in it the moment he takes them off. Or, dump him. Or, perhaps tell him he can choose tondo what he wants with his clothes, but you will clean them up in the way you want to. Perhaps throwing them out, donating them, or tossing them out the window. Lots of ways of enforcing boundaries, dear sister.
Consider that perhaps the trick is to maintain the boundaries before its crisis, painful. And, don’t expect others to see it your way… such as the room being a “sacred space” for you. It takes a long time, especially for boys, to learn that women like to see their space sparkle, and grow into men that proactivly help that shine grow. And, some never do… too busy hunting and fishing and bringing bacon and playing games and so forth. Said differently, consider perhaps “bumbling doofus” rather than “disrespectful”.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 16, 2014 at 8:06 am #51090Matt
ParticipantJeanne,
Leveraging sex is a poor choice in my opinion. Consider that when we “grow a spine” in that way, we actually decrease our own enjoyment of sex and union. Said differently, if you use your organs as a carrot, you relate to them as a carrot, so when your husband gets the carrot, it stays more about him. Instead, consider a different approach.
Our sexual energy opens up when we have the space to let it shine. In a house full of clutter, your passion doesn’t blossom as well. That’s fine, normal and usual. So, making love becomes more vibrant for you when the space is clear, shiny, peaceful. Much like it is more romantic to listen to music that is not harsh, grating, and loud. Try as you may to ignore the sounds, perhaps the blaring prevents you from sliding into the groove.
So, his keeping his attention on the clutter raises your feeling of safety, your feeling of being seen, heard and tended… which is the gateway to being free to express your passion for him. More than a carrot, I’m guessing that passion is something he yearns for, needs, and would love to see blossom. Said differently, why bother withholding sex as a means to an end? If the end is something you need, such as the house being clutter free, the sex you two have won’t be as vibrant anyway until the need is met. See the difference?
With warmth,
Matt -
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