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is this emotional manipulation ?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #114699
    Miarbil
    Participant

    Guys and girls! I need help. I can’t figure out if I’m being emotionally manipulated or not in my relationship which has ended recently. We dated for two years and broke up few months ago due to frequent fights. He insisted on being friends so we keep in touch almost everyday. I agreed to keeping in touch because when I broke it off he kept texting and crying and begging and saying things like he doesn’t want to live if I’m not in his life. I’m a very empathetic person who usually concern myself about how people are feeling to a point where I’m almost always exhausted emotionally and physically. He is a nice person but he was insecure and jealous. When I’m our with my friends he will call and text the whole time. And nowadays I noticed that when I try to detach he would call and talk to me in a very down sad voice. I have made the mistake of asking what’s wrong before and he would just miserably complain about his family problems and then I feel sorry and keep my contacts again. I feel this deep guilt for hurting him but I also want to be true to myself. Did anyone of you have to deal with this? Please share your insights !

    #114701
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Mahia,

    This tendency to stay in contact so frequently after breakup is very normal for guys especially. You both had daily connection but truth be said, being friends isn’t that simple. The feelings are still there and one needs to learn how to move on from it. Staying so much in touch with him will not help any of you – I know you feel bad but trust me, it’s for his own good that you do stay friends but keep limited communication for a while after the breakup. He is a grown up and needs to tap into other sources for support – going to you repeatedly right now will mean he will never be able to move on with his life.

    Be kinder by taking the harder way.

    I was forced to do the same with my ex…time heals but first that space is needed.

    Regards
    Nina

    #114733
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mahia:

    I will be trying to get the insight you asked for as I type by trying to understand your motivation and his motivation for continuing contact. Correct me if and where I am wrong:

    Your motivation is to not feel guilty, to not feel that he is suffering if not in contact with you. Your motivation is not to experience pleasure (which you do not) by talking to him and it is not curiosity that motivates you, as in learning more about who he is- you continue the contact because he has let you know that he suffers when not in contact and you feel it is your responsibility to prevent this suffering of his. It is tiresome for you to be in contact with him, a lot of the time, but you feel like… you Have To,.

    His motivation is to have someone listen to him, someone to talk to when he feels distressed…? (need your help here)

    anita

    #114740
    Miarbil
    Participant

    Dear Anita’

    Somewhat you are right let me give you some background. we dated for two years and the whole time he never trusted me eventho i rearranged most parts of my life to accommodate the relationship. I made him my priority i really tried my best but e was always paranoid he doesn’t want me to go out see my friends. he has logged into my Facebook messenger and my phone message to check.and he has been verbally abusive and also once he slapped me because i was late. but he always cries after and says sorry. the reason we broke up is one time he came and said he had a dream that i was cheating and started interrogating me as if his dream had a meaning…
    once i decided to break it off he kept texting me and calling me and showing up at my place with out notice. but he was not aggressive but just begging and crying. After that I agreed to be friends because he has done some good things during our relationship. but after that I dont feel okay about contacting everyday and i don’t want to lead him on. But at the same time I feel so much pain seeing him cry and beg me. he says he will never give up on me and sometimes i think he is trying should I give him a chance but if I do it would be out of guilt. and i see his posts he is so happy with his friends but when he comes to me he becomes so sad complaining about family and other stuff. every time i tell him im busy he says hes not feeling well or something. I feel like he is intentionally creating this sad story to guilt me into dropping everything to come to the rescue which i do all the time because i feel responsible somehow.

    #114741
    Miarbil
    Participant

    Dear Nina,

    Thank you for your words I like when you said “Be kinder by taking the harder way.” I sure need to practice tough love. thanks xx

    #114744
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mahia:

    It is common for individuals to manipulate others by guilt, so if this is so in your case, it will not at all be unusual. It may very well be that he learned, through experience, that it works- for him. And even though it hurts you, it pleases him. And so it is a Lose-Win proposition for you: you lose and he wins, every time.

    What you need, what we all need, are Win-Win relationships. Regardless of his motives, all that matters is: are you winning being in contact with him?

    If you are not winning, if it is a Losing proposition for you, then either make it a win for you or exit the relationship. Do not sacrifice your well being so to please another person: your responsibility is your own well being, first and foremost.

    anita

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