Hi El,
I’m sorry to hear about the painful ending of your relationship. I don’t think my response will answer all your questions but I wanted to share my experience as I was in a similar situation to you six months ago, after ending a 4 year emotionally abusive relationship. I,like you, wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with my ex- tell him where he is going wrong, that I was working things out for myself and happy to move on, etc. The truth (for ME) was that this desire was, unfortunately, coming from a place of hurt and anger, i.e. “I’ll show him” attitude. We engaged in “back-and-forth” emails/calls for 5 months. What I learned: 1. Unless it comes from a true place of self-healing and/or compassion or forgiveness, the communication will only ever cause you further pain; 2. I was looking for him to validate my feelings and my need for accountability for the bad treatment I received (again causing me further pain); 3. I don’t need my-ex to validate my feelings or experience of our relationship and ending (I can and should do that myself); 4. Contrary to what I believed at the time, stopping communication has helped my closure tremendously; 5. Deciding to focus on me- my thoughts, feelings, practicing self-love and self-care (doing the things I love, and being with the people I love) has played a major role in my healing process; and 6. I now better understand myself, my wants and needs (both in and outside a relationship), and that has brought me more relief/joy/freedom than any of those messages/emails ever did. I don’t know your specific circumstances and these will most certainly be different from mine, but I just wanted to share my experience.

Sending you lots of positive healing energy

Try and be gentle and kind with yourself right now 🙂 Allow yourself to feel the sadness and grieve the loss.

When you feel up to it, you might like to try and properly process the relationship you had and the ending. I found writing it all down very helpful in my case (keeping a journal). I can relate to what you said : “I am sad that he may never be the person I fell in love with”. I felt the same initially. In my case, once I was ready to be open and honest about the relationship (after the pain lessened a bit), I started to write about what worked and what didn’t with my ex and myself, I saw that I fell in love with an idea I had of my ex. The real man was always there, but I chose to ignore/deal with it. In fact, I believe I chose him based on my own issues (a troubled relationship with a narcissistic mother). I decided to focus on understanding “me” rather than “him”- this can be VERY hard, but is really where the truth lies and is really worth it. Instead of asking “why did he treat me like that?” , I turned the question to “Why did I put up with that?”, “Of what was I afraid, when I didn’t stand up for myself when he was disrespectful or aggressive?”, “What does that say about my personal boundaries?”, etc. I eventually started moving towards questions like “What is unacceptable to me in a relationship?”, “How do I expect to be treated?”, “How would I expect myself to treat to my romantic partner”. I have found this the most difficult but most empowering process. I believe the fact I chose this path in my recovery from the relationship, will stand to me as i move forward in my life.

I’m not saying my way is the only, nor indeed the best, way for recovery and healing, but I wanted to share my experience with you.

The only advice I can give with 100% certainty is to be gentle with yourself right now. You have to treat yourself as you would your best friend if he/she was going through this right now. The rest will come in its own time 🙂