@Anita: I got a bit of sleep, not much. Mother woke me up, to go grocery shopping with her.

Whenever it’s just her and I, things just feel right. Like that’s how it’s supposed to be. Sometimes, I stay up past when he leaves the house and she wakes up. The sounds of only her rustling in the kitchen always comforts me. But the dream of us living alone is always cut short, one way or another. It sucks that I have to waste my entire adolescence in hiding. But it could always be worse.

The grocery store was packed. She kept trying to get me to fish things for her here and there, but I can never help but feel like I’m in everyone’s way. I was completely overwhelmed, at times. I don’t think she really understood how scared I am of people. Enough to laugh at me.

@Anita: Hi. I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through such.

I hope those insults haven’t stuck with you, all that much. I know when I’m insulted, the names weigh down on me, for quite some time. I still have a grudge from name-calling that I endured in kindergarten, some years ago. (Oh god, I was in kindergarten only a decade ago..)

But where would everyone on the forums be without Anita? A lot more lonely and hopeless, I’d assume. You’re not “nothing” at all!

I can’t help but look up to you, for your steady healing, after going through all that you have.

@Driftwood: Hey, again.

Sleepovers are alright. Remember that thing I said about being drained from them? Yeah, that makes them a little dreadful. But it’s really nice to have those times where I can deliriously ramble at someone at 4am. I’ve had two, in the past week, and I have both of my friends coming over, tomorrow. A break (something longer than 2 days at a time) would be nice.

With the “kick and pet” ordeal – I try to catch myself a lot. It’s hard, though. I find it to be easier with people I’ve known longer, because there’s more substance for communication, rather than just randomly picking on them. But when I meet someone, I subconsciously go for making jokes to break the ice, which mean poking light fun (and puns). Baby steps. (I have smaller-than-average hands, and mother dearest always calls them “malnourished”, for a soft jab. That’s basically the “humor” I grew up with, and it’s hard to change. I “kick” myself a lot about them too, with friends, since they also know the joke. It’s just an easy way to liven up conversation, but it does cost me the price of self-confidence, at times. My s.o. thinks they’re cute, which makes me feel a little better. And I recently saw small, pudgy hands that someone sculpted, and now I almost don’t mind the fact that I can’t fit any rings.)

Yeah, I can get the stop and frisk metaphor, in this situation. (But, side note, I don’t think taking away people’s weapons will do all that much. People can use anything as a weapon, even their own fists. Violence is pretty inevitable.)

As for art and such – I understand. My mom was always invested into art. I feel like my unexpected birth really put a ball and chain on her, and forced her to do whatever kept us both off the street. I still have all of the art pieces she did when she was trying to get her stuff out there, when she had the time. She’s always on about how it’s hopeless to try now, but I don’t see it as such. Seeing everyone else’s lack of confidence in their artwork definitely makes me more aware of mine. I try to take compliments to heart, and definitely take any criticism I can.

Charter school’s a yes. Counselor asked about it last time, and she seemed excited that I’m leaning towards the idea. My grades in middle school were always fantastic (or better than they are now) and it’ll be nice to have teachers that’ll help push me on, again.

I’m not too sure about tours, as I’m yet to even see the actual location. For the sake of convenience, I might have to go in blindly, on the first day. It’s nothing I haven’t done before, though. And I’ve heard enough good things about the school to not be too scared.

He hasn’t been bothering, often. But today, I woke up to him in the living room saying something along the lines of “I wish it was just us“. I’m not sure if he was specifically talking about mom’s coworkers that she invited over for dinner or me, but I felt apart of it, anyways. I’m not sure why he’d exclude me. Little things like that still gets on my nerves.

Also, he’s currently on the phone with his daughter (she’s my age). She’s apparently in the car with her mother, who’s nagging her. It’s weird hearing him give someone advice on verbal abuse. Bothersome.

They have their bedroom door open, and my bathroom is across the way. I’m overdue for a shower, but walking past, currently, seems like uncomfortable eye contact and dead air. These are the awkward situations that I get myself into, daily. They cause a lot of stress, and not much of anyone can understand them. I know the majority of it is just in my head, but I can’t help feel like anything I do raises unwanted attention to me. I know if I do go now (and take the towel I used last time, because grabbing one from the hall closet would only raise more attention to me), nothing will happen, besides me beating myself up for a few minutes, and then forgetting about it after. Maybe a toxic thought aimed at me would go through his head, but I’d never hear it, anyways. There’s been times where I’ve felt so anxious, I muffled my already quiet breathing with my sleeve. I didn’t want him to know I was there, even though he already knew, because where else would I be?

The best advice I received on my weird and cowardly behavior is just to pretend I have a place, in the situation. Fake it til you make it. It’s one of the most difficult things for me to do, but I can do small things now and then, like walk across the hall with their door open. But I can’t do things like eat with everyone else, on Thanksgiving. That’s just something I don’t see myself aloud to do. My mom tried to get me to, but I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, emotionally. The day would’ve ended in self-harm to the awful sound of fresh insults repeating in my head.

—

I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving (or just plain Thursday) went well. Mine was alright. I managed to eat a bit, while watching some youtube stuff. Didn’t actually leave my bed much of any today, which is a good day, in my book.

Also, this is irrelevant, but I cooked, yesterday. The dinner mom made wasn’t filling, so I made myself a turkey patty, which still wasn’t filling, so I made myself a grilled cheese. I would’ve just snacked on whatever I can find, like usual, but all we really have right now is raw meat, bread, and sandwich stuff. It’s a big step, for me, since I never really take care of myself.

Anyways, I’ve gotta try to clean for tomorrow, and shower. I’ll cross that hall. (I’ve decided I’m going to shut off my pc, so it’ll be pitch black, and he probably won’t be able to see me anyways. Gives me more peace of mind, anyways).