In April of last year, during the span of a week I find out my father is struggling with severe alcoholism (which I suspected) and that he had been physically abusing my mother (which I didn’t know). In the mists of using all of my emotional/intellectual resources to provide support for my parents and siblings, I find that my DH lost his job. That made me put my parents’ situation on hold and shift my focus to our daughter. I have, since then, attempted to live as frugally as possible. However, we decided to continue our planned IVF cycle in hopes for a second child. Thus far, our attempts have remained unsuccessful.

DH got a new job the first week of May this year (a few days away from a year into his unemployment). I wanted to be grateful for this opportunity, but DH has been negative from the start regarding his colleagues and superiors. This is far from the position he had invisioned and the compensation is low, so after the depletion of our savings due to a year of unemployment and the unsuccessful IVF attempts, we need to continue to live as frugally.

When we were diagnosed with severe infertility 4 years ago, we jointly decided to start IVF right away to increase our chances of succes. In 2014, we were blessed with our most precious gift, I am and will forever be grateful for my daughter. However, after a difficulty pregnancy and overwhelming first year of parenthood, as a couple we decided to put my education on hold (I was half way though my graduate degree) and it was implied that he would become the sole breadwinner. I was comfortable with the arrangement but our financial situation has deteriorated and the situation is such that with my experience, I cannot perform a job that will effectively cover the cost of childcare.

I have done my best to be supportive of DH by telling myself: 1) that this period of uncertainty and unemployment would pass 2) that this is his career, and other than being supportive and helpful with our daughter, there was little much I could do to affect the outcome. Just like I put my parent’s situation on hold, in my attempt to be frugal I gave up many things in life that I derived pleasure from including, my own ambitions outside of motherhood (it is a terrible time for me to go back to school). I made the decision that I would live day-by-day and focus on the many mundane/repetitive tasks associated with parenting a preschooler.

It has been over a year since that turbulent April and I have become isolated from my parents; I feel in such an emotionally vulnerable place that I cannot handle the added stress that interacting with them implies. I also feel like my only purpose in life is my daughter and the pleasure that I derive from our interactions, but this was never intended to be a long-term plan. I feel burned out and tired many days, but also restless for change. I feel that providing my husband with space and freedom has come with a price since it has caused me to grow hopelessness and helplessness. And here’s the crux of the matter: when it comes to our financial future he is completely in the driver’s seat (a spot I initially yielded), but at the same time, from my limited understanding and perspective, I disagree completely with his strategy. It is not that I absolutely distrust his intellect, but I don’t believe his approach thus far has been pragmatic. He prioritizes personal low-probability entrepreneurial projects over his job search, for instance. Any attempt from me or any other member of his family to point out his lack of practicality is not well received.

So yes, both hopelessness and helplessness have become dominant sentiments in my life. Helplessness because it is my husband who has the power to change our situation (at least financially speaking). Hopelessness because my intuition tells me that our financial situation will not improve until he changes his approach. In spite of my efforts to remain calm and redirect my attention to immediate matters, after a year I have grown restless to take action but remain uncertain of how to do so. What worries me the most is that each subsequent blow (be it failed IVF attempt or failed interview), has become more difficult to bear and increases my sense of hopelessness. Our marriage is also suffering from all of my repressed resentment (in my attempt to be supportive, I refrain from telling DH the majority of these things).

Should I give up hope that DH’s career will take a turn for the better? Give up hope of having another child since statistically, the odds of succes also seem slim? If I mourn my hope that all will improve due to simple luck, will this allow me to move on and redefine my own goals and aspirations?