Hi dreaming715,

You are right in identifying about unrealistic expectations.

@anita has already explained everything rightly, so keeping it simple…..

True love is not about “wanting” the other person to behave in a particular way, but it is about “allowing” the other person to just BE.

But at the same time, keep your senses open and just don’t “give-in” everything for the sake of the relationship.
If you are looking for a long term relationship then bring that balance between what is fine with you and what is not.
Meaning – does he intends to first get married or wait for some more time before going ahead with a good night kiss? Gradually figure this out. If you find out that he is

NOT

the kind of person who will love you and be interested in a good night kiss even after marriage, then that is the time for you to make a decision whether to go ahead and make this person a partner for life or not.

Similarly figure out about other things in the relationship and work on striking the balance.

Take care.

Dear dreaming715:

You wrote: “it feels borderline confrontational (like I’ll try to word it nicely, but he’ll become confused, feel like I’m nit-picking at him”- it seems to me like you really are confrontational and nit picking.

Example # 1: I don’t think he was thinking something like: “dreaming715 can’t tell the weather. She is unreliable, inadequate and maybe she is lying, I better check the weather myself.

I think he was thinking something like: what? How can it be raining there? It is so clear here!” And then, out of sheer habit, he did what he usually does when he is confused about the weather: he checked the weather on his phone app.

Example # 2: When you asked him about people of low/ moderate income investing, he was speechless for a while, I believe not because he was thinking something like: “dreaming715 is clueless. How can she be so ignorant?” I think he was clueless for a moment himself. Simply didn’t have the answer for you right there and then. He soon found the answer by asking you about your 401K- there, he came up with the answer he didn’t have a moment ago.

Seems to me you are personalizing, that is misinterpreting his behavior to mean what it does not. You assume he is communicating to you that you are confused and clueless while in reality, he was confused (example 1) and clueless (example 2).

And because you misinterpret his/ others’ behavior to mean that you are lacking, you are bound to be confrontational at one point.

Better ask him what he meant by what he says, just so to get the correct meaning in what he says, to check against your assumptions.

anita

Hi, Dreaming715.

Regarding your original post, except for recalling what didn’t work with you and your ex-fiancé (the problems you two had, what you learned from that, and seeing potential red flags for similar problems in your current relationship), I suggest that comparing your current boyfriend to your ex-fiancé is probably not very productive or beneficial for the relationship. They are two different people, and your current boyfriend doesn’t have the benefit of knowing everything you know about your ex-fiancé (everything you liked about him and didn’t like about him, etc.). It also sounds like he doesn’t have the benefit of knowing everything about you (what you like in a partner, in a relationship, etc.), either. For him to be able to have any real chance of living up to all of the good things you liked about your ex-fiancé, and to avoid all of the things you didn’t like, he would: 1) Have to know those things, 2) Be all but identical to your ex-fiancé in the ways you liked, i.e. the same genetic proclivities, same up-bringing, same interests, etc., and 3) Be dissimilar to your ex-fiancé in all the ways you didn’t like.

The last one is particularly tricky because some of the proclivities of your ex-fiancé that facilitated things you liked about him may have also facilitated things you didn’t like about him. As a made up example, maybe he had the proclivity to be detail oriented, which made him remember little things about you that you liked, but also made him notice little things that you didn’t do the way he thought they should be done. You would also have to like the ways in which your current boyfriend was dissimilar to your ex-fiancé (while still maintaining all of the similarities that you liked), which is just as unlikely as him being all the good things you liked about your ex-fiancé.

Does that make sense?

I went on about that much longer than I intended.

I agree with you about the Disney movie expectations. But I also think many, many people have those thoughts as well. Maybe everyone does to a certain degree. I think the fact that you realize that such expectations are unrealistic is extremely beneficial for you and the relationship. Great insight!

Regarding the French-fries and potato wedges, rather than hoping he will intuitively understand what you are thinking, and being disappointed when he doesn’t, you might say something like, “These fries are terrible! It tastes like they were cooked in last year’s grease! Do you mind if I have a few of your potato wedges?” That way he knows that you don’t like your fries, why you don’t like your fries, that you are still hungry, that you would like a few of his potato wedges, and why. Being straight forward, clear, and communicative gives him a chance to understand what you are thinking and what you want, and then respond.

Also please consider that saying things obliquely, and hoping that he will understand what you mean and do what you want, can also come across as being passive-aggressively manipulative.

Regarding the goodnight kiss, why not take the initiative? Before you go to sleep, say something like, “Come here. I want a kiss to help me sleep!” Then look deep into his eyes and say, “Goodnight, sweetheart,” and lay a sweet, gentle, loving kiss on him. (Hell, after that, if it were me, I’d be lookin’ forward to saying goodnight all day.) But don’t stop with only one time; establish the pattern, and when you kiss him, let him feel your caring for him. After a while, if he is the kind of guy you’d like for him to be, he will make damned sure that his sweet dreams start with kissing you, even if you don’t initiate the kiss. The same thing goes for a goodbye kiss.

Give it a try.

Regarding your question, “Is it unrealistic of me to expect more from him?” I suggest the answer is yes, and no. Yes, because you framed what you want in terms of “expect” rather than “hope.” To expect implies an obligation on his part. To hope, on the other hand, still allows him his freedom. For you to hope for more from him, as long as you are openly communicative with him, I suggest is very realistic.

CMI

Dear dreaming715:

I think I misunderstood about you being confrontational. You wrote in an earlier post then, that you were afraid to be confrontational, not that you were.

From previous threads we came to certain insights, one was that you need to be assertive in these beginning relationships, ask questions and listen to answers, get the information that you need, evaluate the man and express your thoughts, feelings, needs.

In the post above though you wrote: “I’m honestly nervous to talk to him about how I’m feeling because to be honest I don’t feel he’s that emotionally invested in me or our new relationship. I fear a true “sit down talk” (even a pleasant one), would be a turn-off at this point and possibly push him away.”

In this latest quote you are stating, as I understand it, that you are not ready to be assertive, not ready to have honest conversations and for the same reason as appears to be again and again: being afraid such will push him away.

But NOT doing these things (talking, sharing, asserting) is pushing the men away.

So I am at a loss. I wasn’t helpful to you so far. I wish I was.

anita

That’s great that you are aware of your co-dependent tendencies and working on yourself! It does appear that you have an anxious attachment to this guy, so “playing it cool” is not the route to take with him. You actually should be opening up your feelings to him no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Otherwise, you prolong this feeling of un-fulfillment with him. You might as well find out where you stand and be truly free to move forward with him or without him. That is true independence.