Home→Forums→Relationships→It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues?
- This topic has 19 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by dreaming715.
September 14, 2016 at 4:37 pm #115188DesolateParticipant
I’m a guy, can completely relate to what you said about online dating, and I’ll say this from my point of view:
At any point did the two of you talk about “pet peeves” or things that are important to you? It sounds like communication if pretty important to you. Have you ever conveyed that to him?
With the fries story… I can imagine I’ve probably been guilty of something like that at some point. It could be it didn’t occur to him that you were inferring you might like some of his food. We’re guys. We’re inherently dumb and not all that perceptive.
IMO, it sort of sounds to me like you’re settling with this guy/relationship. Speaking from (plenty of) experience, don’t do that. Life is too short. If you want a guy who is more on the romantic side then decide that and by some means (in your profile, on the first date, etc) convey that.
Anyways, I wish you luck. 🙂September 23, 2016 at 8:14 pm #116099dreaming715Participant
Thank you guys for the extra insight!September 24, 2016 at 12:08 am #116109AnonymousInactive
1. If your gut tells you something is not quite right, and the fact that you are posting this thread, you should not ignore that. Even if the logical wording of the facts is not available yet.
2. Please don’t get caught in the nice feeling you had from a guy asking if he could introduce you as his girlfriend. Out of context, such a gesture itself is indeed very sweet. But if the rest of your interactions are what you describe, it is like stealing. It is like, “Can I consider you mine without me putting the effort to earn my place in your life and win your trust”. In order to establish healthy relationships we need to test our interactions over time and we do owe it to the other person to earn our place in people’s lives. This is a two way street. Would he be there for you if you need someone to accompany you to the doctor? Would he pick you up if the weather is bad? Would he defend you and your choices in front of other people or would he side with them instead? Would he do these things willingly when you ask him properly, without having to beg him or him being annoyed?
3. Please don’t listen to media and cosmopolitan psychologists that expecting romance is a childish fantasy induced from Disney cartoons. Of course that every healthy woman expects to be treated the best way. It may not be in the material form of white horses, knights and diamond necklaces, these are metaphors. But the attitude matters, and it should definitely be present in your interactions in the way it is relevant to your life values. Desolate is very right here.
True love is not about “wanting” the other person to behave in a particular way, but it is about “allowing” the other person to just BE.
This doesn’t mean that you are obliged to love anyone the way he is, you have the free will to choose who you want to be with. Who we are is defined by what we do and how we treat people. So choose who you want to have in your life.
The early stages of your relationships the critical time to make clear what are each one of you’s expectations. As you should allow someone to BE you should also consider, can you be completely and freely Yourself in a relationship, or you constantly have to adjust your expectations when something goes wrong? If in the early stages you are talking about adjusting your expectations, what else would you be talking about in a mature relationship? Can you both work these things through?
As for other unfinished business with your ex or other significant people in our lives… whether we like it or not, these things will always be part of us. And everyone without exception enters in a relationship with that baggage, pretending it isn’t there is not realistic and bounces back eventually in unexpected ways.
Aren’t relationships supposed to be based on friendship as well? Having a counselor is a good thins and especially advisable if needed. But since when discussing such things with your significant other is a bad thing? If done properly, this can 1. solidify your friendship and is part of you two knowing each other 2. make each other the favor of knowing exactly where each one of you is standing on with their readiness for commitment.
There is right and wrong ways to do every single thing in this life so of course if talking about another person unnecessarily and in a way that it hurts the other is also a bad sign. There are people who just like hurting other people. Words and actions are like knives with a good and a bad side which the mind cannot differentiate. This is why we feel with our heart.
There was a book by Barbara de Angelis I read several years ago which I found useful at the time. Are you the right one for me, I think.
Being happy is more important than being right. Only good people are capable of being truly happy.
I wish you find your happiness.September 24, 2016 at 12:44 am #116113CherylParticipant
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to want someone to want you, I’ve had the same issues but it is a dependency thing . It’s like you need another person to validate who you are, their actions are making you feel unloved etc. I would spend some time getting to know yourself and doing things you enjoy. I have been the same with previous partners but I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong in expecting , kindness, someone getting up in the night to get you a drink, cuddles when your ill . Accepting people as they are doesn’t mean you have to accept them as a partner, if it doesn’t feel right then move on -but trust and communication is important talk to him first
Good luckSeptember 25, 2016 at 2:35 pm #116226dreaming715Participant
Cherryblossom: Nailed it!! I especially like the questions you posed, “Would he be there for you if you need someone to accompany you to the doctor? Would he pick you up if the weather is bad? Would he defend you and your choices in front of other people or would he side with them instead? Would he do these things willingly when you ask him properly, without having to beg him or him being annoyed?” I’m going to think about these because they’d offer valuable insight.
You also said, “True love is not about “wanting” the other person to behave in a particular way, but it is about “allowing” the other person to just BE.” I thought this was a great reminder. We actually had a discussion yesterday. We were going to “Petfest” with his family (literally just a festival where people can bring their pets and walk around). When I approached him I was wearing a burgundy knee length sweater dress and leather boots. Now that it’s fall I was excited to wear one of my favorite fall outfits. One of the first things he said to me was, “You didn’t have to get so dressed up. We’re just going to Petfest.” A “you look nice” and just accepting that was the outfit I wanted to wear would’ve been much more appreciated. Interestingly, his sister wore a cotton dress as well. So what I was wearing wasn’t exactly outlandish.
Cheryl: Thanks for your reply! I agree that that it feels good to be with someone who will be kind, get up in the night to get you a drink, cuddle when your ill, etc… As an emotional person, this is one of my favorite things about being in a loving relationship.