Forum Replies Created
September 15, 2016 at 10:28 am #115271
Brilliant advice, Anita, thank you.
I think I’m going to take some time to reflect on some positives and negatives as well as review my “profile” and see if there’s any correlation between the types of women I was meeting and the information provided in my profile. Maybe I need to be more clear and add more information in. I don’t remember as it’s been a number of months since I’ve even looked at it.
Thanks for the great advice as well, Brav3. I feel like I’ve been very clear about what I’m looking for versus what I’m not but you’re right, there are probably some things I could have done better to filter out the disingenuous folks.
Thanks again!September 14, 2016 at 9:33 pm #115217
I’ll be honest…I think if you re-read your last post, especially towards the end, you’ve sort of answered your own question. If a relationship with him is “impossible,” and he’s not willing to work on himself as you mentioned, you’re only prolonging the inevitable, and in my experience the longer you do that the harder it is.
Relationships (IMO) are very much about compromise and understanding. It’s sounds like you’ve compromised a lot of what makes you happy in order to spend time with him…but has there been any compromise on his part to try and make whatever this is workable for *both of you*? If not, I’d say it’s time to let go. You sound like a cool person and I can pretty much guarantee you there’s a guy out there with similar interests, morals, and values where the term “impossible” wouldn’t even enter the equation.
A lot of guys have the approach to emotional openness of “I’m me, deal with it.” I know that because I used to be one of those idiots many moons ago. The good news is you don’t have to deal with it if you don’t want to.
Hopefully something in my “too close to bedtime”‘ramblings has been helpful. 🙂September 14, 2016 at 9:03 pm #115213
Wow, thank you Anita! Funny you mention the approach/MO as I literally just got done writing a huge entry in my journal and no sooner had I hit save than I got an email that someone had replied to this thread.
Thank you (both of you) for replying. I feel like maybe I should clarify a little. By and large, I’m pretty happy with every other aspect of my life. I’ve got a good job where I genuinely make a difference and I get to work from home (professional computer geek). I have a great relationship with my parents. I’ll be the first to say what I’m dealing with is likely minuscule to what others have endured in their lives and that is never lost on me. I live alone and take great pride in having done a ton of work to my home myself in the thee years I’ve lived here to make it the home it is today. It’s small and unassuming, but it’s my sanctuary. Despite living alone, I’m never bored. I read a lot (thank god for kindle unlimited), have lots of interests and things I enjoy doing that center me and make me feel at peace with things. I’m saying all of this because I don’t want to sound like lack of relationship = no happiness. I’m in touch/comfortable with who I am, which has taken many years to get to and I’m not looking for someone to “complete me.”
I guess I was asking whether or not that can be enough. I’m guessing based on the fact that I asked the question I already know the answer to it. I guess now it’s a matter of evaluating my dating experiences (both positive and negative) and somehow translating that into…something.
I would gladly take you up on your offer to help me explore this. I’m grateful in fact. Thanks once again.September 14, 2016 at 4:37 pm #115188
I’m a guy, can completely relate to what you said about online dating, and I’ll say this from my point of view:
At any point did the two of you talk about “pet peeves” or things that are important to you? It sounds like communication if pretty important to you. Have you ever conveyed that to him?
With the fries story… I can imagine I’ve probably been guilty of something like that at some point. It could be it didn’t occur to him that you were inferring you might like some of his food. We’re guys. We’re inherently dumb and not all that perceptive.
IMO, it sort of sounds to me like you’re settling with this guy/relationship. Speaking from (plenty of) experience, don’t do that. Life is too short. If you want a guy who is more on the romantic side then decide that and by some means (in your profile, on the first date, etc) convey that.
Anyways, I wish you luck. 🙂September 14, 2016 at 4:24 pm #115184
Sorry to hear about your situation. In reading your post I had a couple of questions:
Did this “friends with benefits” arrangement just sort of naturally happen? At any point did either of you quantify what it was and it was not?
Regardless of whether others tell you your feelings are justified…there you’re feelings…so to me that justifies them enough.
As for the unconditional love aspect I’m afraid I can’t help you there. If it were me I would find it very difficult to maintain any sort of relationship (even if platonic) with this person just based on what happened. I’m not saying you should hold onto any anger or resentment…but if having that person in your life and seeing them periodically has the prospect of dredging up those feelings I’d say you’re probably better off without them.