July 8, 2013 at 4:25 pm #38217CassParticipant
Hi everyone. I just joined this site, and I must say it’s awesome! All the love and caring I’ve seen so far is truly inspiring, and I can’t help but wonder if someone out there can offer me some insight into my own predicament.
I have been in love with a certain man for the past four years. It all started one random day at the school we both went to, when we were introduced. From the second we opened our mouths to speak to each other, it was like we had been best friends forever, and our souls recognized each other from a previous lifetime or something. I mean, it was like we were so into each others convo that everyone else around us faded away. Eventually we both found out that we had both recently ended a previous relationship, and I assume for that reason we didn’t take it too fast, though we never really spoke about that. For months we were always together, like to the point that all of our friends (and even people that didn’t know us) thought that we were together, but we never had an official relationship.
One day he randomly told me that he didn’t think that he was a good person to be in a relationship with, and that we shouldn’t be intimate anymore. I was baffled, because I had never once mentioned being in a formal relationship, and wasn’t even thinking of asking to be in one with him. I simply enjoyed him being a part of my life. Soon after that he began to get really weird and distant, but I couldn’t bear to let him go so I kept our friendship intact, even though I could tell he was trying to initiate the “slow fade away” from my life.
Well four years and many emotional ups and downs later, here I am still in love. We have been off and on, off and on, off and on, and it’s been so f-ing confusing! One day he wants to be intimate, the next he says we shouldn’t do that because we are not in a relationship, and it’s not right to do so. He has become my best friend, more than anyone ever has been, he’s been there for me for all my bs in life, and I know he cares about me dearly. I always randomly say “I love you,” and he would always hit me with “I care about you too”, or my personal favorite, “thanks” :/ smh. One day, I told him if he ever felt the same for me that he should tell me, because it would make me so happy. He said he loved me for the 1st time about a week ago (after 4 yrs), and I was on cloud nine! I even asked him if he really meant it a few days later, and he said yes. I mean, am I wrong to think that’s a big deal??
Long story longer, last night I asked him if we would ever be in a real relationship. He hesitated and beat around the bush, but it eventually came out that he thought “anything could be possible,” but he views me as just a really great friend. I told him how confused I was, and asked if that could ever change. he said that no, he doesn’t think so. wtf? Guys, what’s wrong with me?? Why can’t I let go of this feeling I have for him, when he so easily let go of feelings for me? Why does no other guy even appeal to me now? What do I do? How am I supposed to ever get over this “relationship”?! I feel dumb, and I’ve never been like this over anyone before.
Please help me understand 🙁July 8, 2013 at 5:49 pm #38221LeinaParticipant
As an outsider looking into your situation, all the signs that I’m getting are telling me that it would be better if you leave him alone. I really understand how hard this can be as I am too struggling with a similar situation (I posted a thread here recently).
The simple fact is this: If this guy REALLY wanted to be with you, he would have already made the move to do so. You guys keep going back and forth, back and forth. He wants to be intimate when it’s convenient, but then pushes you away the next day. Don’t you think you deserve someone who wants you all the time?
This guy clearly knows how you feel about him, yet he cannot reciprocate his feelings properly. You don’t deserve someone who hesitates and beat around the bush when it comes to the question whether he’ll be with you. If you try to push it, it will only end badly.
I really understand what you’re going through. My ex was my best friend for 2 years, I have never been so close to anyone as I have with him. He was there for me through everything. He was my source of happiness (very unhealthy). And when he wanted me out of his life when I pushed for more affection due to him being distant, I was broken.
It’s hard to completely let him go now, and you can’t just forget your feelings for him, but just try to gradually detach from him for your heart’s sake.
Think of it this way, if you distance yourself, he may really miss you and decide that he does want to be with you. But if it doesn’t affect his decision in not wanting to be official with you, then that’s also great. Why? Because it’s better to know sooner than say after a couple more years of emotional distress over this on and off thing between you guys.
You don’t need to make a big announcement that you’re going to back off, just do it. Focus on things that make you happy and learn to rely on yourself more. Over time you won’t feel like you need him so much and it will hurt less if he ever decides that he REALLY doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Cass, please feel better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there ARE people out there who are more deserving of your time. Someone who won’t pull on your heart strings so much, who doesn’t hesitate to be with you.July 8, 2013 at 6:51 pm #38227CassParticipant
Thank you so much. I can tell that you really do understand what this feels like, it sucks. All I keep thinking is, what is it about me that’s not good enough?? The thing that sucks the most is that he is a really good person, and wicked kind hearted so I know that he’s not intentionally trying to hurt me, it would be so much easier to let go if he were an asshole. You know? Not that his actions aren’t cruel towards me, but I think he has been confused too over the years and just living life.
I already did what you said not to do, I made the announcement this morning that I was moving on because I was overly confused for too long, and that I felt like I owed it to myself to meet other people so that when the time for me to be in a relationship does come, I will have options. I mean, there have been guys that were perfectly fine, and compatible with me that I didn’t give a second glance because he was all I wanted. Want to know his response to that? “Ok, cool.” Really?! Thank God I wasn’t just saying that to gauge his reaction!
My hope of course is that he comes to his senses before it’s too late, and maybe he will. But I’m not holding my breath. I know that I have a lot to offer someone, and he is very intelligent so I can’t understand why he doesn’t see that. There was one time we talked about having a baby girl someday, and he was so into the idea that it scared me! I wasn’t really ready to do that (that time I did just say it to see the reaction lol) but you can get the idea of all the mixed signals I’ve received from him. Like wouldn’t you have to be together to plan on having a kid and all that?
Idk, anyway I was dead serious about what I said this morning, but it still hurts so much. I told him that I hope we always stay friends, but I don’t see how I can because every time we hang out or text or whatever I’ll be thinking about how much he doesn’t want me. I also don’t know how I can let go of someone I’ve talked to legitimately every day without fail for the past idk how long. He’s the person I turn to for everything (emotional). He gives the most well thought out advice I’ve ever heard, and it always comes from a really good place. Who am I gonna call when I really need someone to talk to about everything? He knows everything about my whole life, and really is my best friend. I’m so sad, and I know that this is not healthy. I’ve known that for a while, but how can I break the cycle without losing a true friend?July 8, 2013 at 7:29 pm #38228LeinaParticipant
Ugh that’s exactly how I feel! I would be able to move on much faster if my ex has always been an asshole but he’s not. A lot of people looked up to my ex because he was seen as very mature and wise for his age (he’s only 20) and he’s a really hard-working guy. I went to him for EVERYTHING; when I’m nervous, happy, upset, excited. It really sucks that as much of a good guy that he is (well WAS to me), he doesn’t want to be with me, which makes me feel like I’m a bad person. But that’s not true, and it isn’t either for you!
That doesn’t make us any less than good enough. It just means we’re not compatible with that person. We may think we are, but if in their eyes we aren’t, then we can’t force it.
I know exaaaactly how you feel. I have a family that I know loves me unconditionally, but I don’t get the same feeling talking to them about everything like I did with my ex. I’ve always been a loner until this summer when I start socializing with people, but I still don’t have any close friends yet. So basically without him, I feel like I have no one to talk to. It really sucks to feel like you’re alone, but would you really prefer to pine after him knowing that he doesn’t want you? Wouldn’t that make you feel even worse and lonelier? All I can really say to that is to learn to be independent to a point where you don’t need someone to share every detail of your life with. Sometimes it’s better to know how to rely on yourself to deal with those emotions alone.
What did he say when you made the announcement? And it’s okay to be sad Cass. It’s very normal to be feeling this way, but just know that eventually it will go away.
To answer your question, I’m not really sure how you can break the cycle without losing him. I feel that it’s either one or the other, you can’t have both, especially when you have so many feelings for him. If he’s a true friend, he’ll understand and still be there for you when you’re ready to be friends again (with no feelings towards him).
July 8, 2013 at 10:40 pm #38237TParticipant
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Leina.
The first thing I would like to say is that you are NOT alone. So many people are going through what you are going through – even I went through this not too long ago.
I read your post and had to respond, as it sounds so very similar to what I went through. The only difference is that I went through it for seven years – from the young age of 13, all the way up until 20. He was my absolute best friend and I loved him. I made sure he knew how much I loved him every single day. I loved him, but I was hurting. Every day, I was hurting. For seven years, I wanted nothing but to be with him, but all I got was excuse after excuse. I too got the “he didn’t think that he was a good person to be in a relationship with” excuse. But I did not care, I still wanted to be with him. When I finally gained the courage to ask if there was a potential of us ever being together, his response was, “Wow.” Yeah, how do you think that one made me feel? I can completely relate to you. It was a complete slap in the face. When you give someone absolutely everything and it is not reciprocated – that is one of the most horrible feelings I have ever experienced. I stuck around thinking things would change; that he would wake up one morning and want to be with me. Seven years later and still hurting, this never happened. He never changed because he had no reason to. He still had me at arms reach whenever it was convenient to him.
I will begin my advice here: Pull away and give him a reason to change. If you stick around, that is you saying to him, “I am okay with your behaviour.” However, you are not okay with the situation, so you need to back off. When he no longer has you in his life, he will see what he has lost. This may make him change his mind, it might not. Regardless, you do not deserve such treatment. He either gets 100% of you, or nothing at all. You are absolutely worth it.
My second piece of advice is to always remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Yes, he may say he loves you, and yes, he may say a lot of nice things to you that just make you melt, and I am sure he is a wonderful friend to you. My guy, too, was my best friend. He could read me like book and knew everything about me; all of my likes, my dislikes, my values, what I was passionate about etc. But sometimes these things just do not work. It sucks that you have to lose a friend in this process, but it is the only way to protect your heart. You can not be friends with someone you have feelings for when they don’t feel the same way about you. It is so unhealthy. Anyways, back to my point: What are his actions saying to you? Yes, he says all these nice things, but what do his actions show? His actions, plain and simple, ultimately demonstrate that he does not want a relationship and you can not force him to want otherwise. You need to learn to be okay on your own; to not depend on him. He does not create your happiness, you do. Again, I know this is A LOT easier said than done. I was once in your position and every day was a struggle. “How can I continue my life without him?” I would think to myself. But trust me, life goes on and you absolutely deserve someone who will love you and care for you and actually want to be with you. As Leina said, had he truly wanted to be with you, he would have done so already. I know that is a harsh reality, and it hurts, but you need to start accepting it and move forward! You have a beautiful life to live!
Like Leina said, it is OKAY to be sad! This is only normal. I would be worried if you WEREN’T sad. This is how we heal. When the wound is fresh, it hurts like a bitch. When I finally came to my senses and realized our relationship was not healthy for me, I ended it. Every morning I would wake up and would not even want to get out of bed. I felt nauseous all day – could not even eat. I would cry and cry every single day, saying to myself, “I gave him everything. Why doesn’t he want to be with me? Why am I not good enough? What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?” Are you thinking these things too? My dear, Cass, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You need to start making yourself your number one priority. Only you can protect your heart, no one else. By maintaining this relationship, you are slowly killing yourself. It is toxic! It has been four years and he has made no effort to change or want to be with you. That is your answer right there. You need to let go and I know it is hard. But as time passes, it becomes much easier. It’s almost like a grieving process. You need time to grieve because they are no longer in your life.
After all of this, I am okay now. Once you finally learn to accept that you are simply not compatible with this person, things become much easier.
I am not sure if you are of faith at all, but regardless of whether you are or not, always remember this:
“Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23
I know you’re going to be okay <3July 9, 2013 at 12:35 pm #38278TCParticipant
Thank for sharing.
T, your words are very true and I can tell it has taken your heart a while to come to those conclusions and truly believe them. I can fully relate and now too have come to the same conclusions.
Cass and Liena, thanks for being open to us on this forum. You are not alone and there are people out there who have been through a very similar situation. Maybe the hurt and pain are clouding your judgements on how you’ll feel in the future, which if that is the case you can trust in the experiences of others who have come out strong. If they can do it, so can you.
I can only reiterate the words of T as it has taken me two years of being on and off with the ex to realise that if he really wanted to be with me, he would. In short: we were never official, when I had ‘the conversation’ with him he rejected me. Tears, heartache, depression took over. Then I managed to pick myself up with the help of friends, books and forums. We still very much addicted to each other and both could not let go. Conversations later we were somehow dating again, with me knowing he does not want to commit. (Over the past two years he did not have any sort of relationships with anyone else but me. Though this was the case he still wouldn’t commit.) As T says: if you stick around that is you saying to him “i am okay with your behaviour”. So having learnt this I chose to finally break it off after being on again. I needed to give him a reason to change, and so he did…. Though it was not enough. He changed, he realised my worth and did not take me for granted. But after a few weeks he pulled away. The excuses or perhaps reasons will not be mentioned here because ultimately, ultimately if he wanted to be with me… he would. 5 months of no contact later he got back in touch. The chemistry was there, he realised I will not be putting up with his excuses anymore, he suggested we move in together, we discussed moving abroad together if he gets offered a better job…. And surprise surprise when it came down to it…. He chose not to commit. 2 years since we had ‘the conversation’ I have finally learnt. As T says: by maintaining this relationship you are slowly killing yourself. I was which is why I HAD to let go. He is not a bad person, he is not malicious, but an emotional guy who just doesn’t know my worth. Because of that, he is not worthy of my love. He needs to learn and that can only be done without me now. Too much has happened to go back. Do I think he will get back in touch? Yes. For now I need to work on myself and move forward. If and when he does, then I will deal with it then because we can never predict the future.
Take time to look after your health. Cry all you want, sleep all you want, but don’t do that for long as that in itself is self destructive. Trust in others that you will heal from this. Scientifically speaking, time HAS to be given to this in order for our neural connections in our brains to change its wiring.
You will miss him, you will have your ups and downs which are completely normal but whatever you do… do not act on impulse.
If he really wanted to be with you, he would. If you are the girl for him, he will change but only on his time. Which means you need to take this opportunity now to develop yourself, to become a wonderful inspiring woman and if he does come back as a changed person… You will either be together if both of your are in the right place, i.e compatible or you will not which means you will still lead a fulfilled life. Either way, the only path to take is moving forwards.
Things will get better, the pain is only temporary. Trust in yourself and others that you will be ok.
All the best.