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Leina

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  • #38356
    Leina
    Participant

    Hi Fe.

    I was also in the same situation where he finally end it for good and did not want to work it out anymore.
    I’m still not completely over the breakup but I am better than I was the day after the breakup. Here’s what I did and maybe it will help you too:

    Like everyone else would suggest, the first step to moving on is grieving. It’s perfectly normal to cry; just cry it all out. I cried so much to a point where I can’t even shed a tear for him anymore even if I wanted to.

    Then when my head is clear, after my “love goggles” are off and I can see things for what they really are, I made a couple of lists on my phone. A list of reasons why we’re not compatible (all the little and big things in the relationship that annoyed me but I ignored it because I wanted to be with him), a list of all the things I hate about him, and a list of hurtful things he said and done the days leading to, during, and after the breakup. It’s very common to miss that person after the breakup and think about all of the good memories you guys had, which may make you want to contact that person. But every time I get that urge now, I stop myself and go over these lists. It reminds me, “Why do I even want to get back with a person like that?”

    Right after my breakup, I fell into a minidepression where I didn’t want to talk to anyone (except him), didn’t want to do anything, with anyone. My family encouraged me to hang out with them, I refused. But I thought to myself, why am I pushing away the people that DOES appreciate and love me and pine after someone who doesn’t care about me at all? In a way, I was being him to my loved ones! So I made an effort to be around others and hang out with them and it does help a bit.

    Along with that, I’d dress up more often than usual when I go out. I don’t know about you but when I look good, I feel good. And getting compliments from other people reminds me that I am attractive, compared to how he made me feel when he dumped me.

    I also threw away everything I had that remind me of him, drawings, pictures, anniversary gifts, clothes. Everything. Except one thing: a recent picture of him. I don’t know if this situation applies to you, but I wasn’t physically attracted to my ex at all when we first talked. It was his personality that I fell in love with, but he has proven that he’s not such of a great person in the inside either. So whenever I miss him or get the urge to talk to him, the picture reminds me that those good memories are things of the past, and now he’s just someone I’m unattracted to inside and out! It works every. time I look at it.

    The last thing that is really helping me heal from the breakup is talking it out rather than bottling it up, especially with people who are going through the same thing as me.

    I hope these things will help you move on from your breakup. Try to stay strong even when you don’t feel like it, and just post on here whenever you feel like you’re about to do something unproductive to your healing process such as contacting him.

    #38228
    Leina
    Participant

    Ugh that’s exactly how I feel! I would be able to move on much faster if my ex has always been an asshole but he’s not. A lot of people looked up to my ex because he was seen as very mature and wise for his age (he’s only 20) and he’s a really hard-working guy. I went to him for EVERYTHING; when I’m nervous, happy, upset, excited. It really sucks that as much of a good guy that he is (well WAS to me), he doesn’t want to be with me, which makes me feel like I’m a bad person. But that’s not true, and it isn’t either for you!

    That doesn’t make us any less than good enough. It just means we’re not compatible with that person. We may think we are, but if in their eyes we aren’t, then we can’t force it.

    I know exaaaactly how you feel. I have a family that I know loves me unconditionally, but I don’t get the same feeling talking to them about everything like I did with my ex. I’ve always been a loner until this summer when I start socializing with people, but I still don’t have any close friends yet. So basically without him, I feel like I have no one to talk to. It really sucks to feel like you’re alone, but would you really prefer to pine after him knowing that he doesn’t want you? Wouldn’t that make you feel even worse and lonelier? All I can really say to that is to learn to be independent to a point where you don’t need someone to share every detail of your life with. Sometimes it’s better to know how to rely on yourself to deal with those emotions alone.

    What did he say when you made the announcement? And it’s okay to be sad Cass. It’s very normal to be feeling this way, but just know that eventually it will go away.

    To answer your question, I’m not really sure how you can break the cycle without losing him. I feel that it’s either one or the other, you can’t have both, especially when you have so many feelings for him. If he’s a true friend, he’ll understand and still be there for you when you’re ready to be friends again (with no feelings towards him).

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Leina.
    #38221
    Leina
    Participant

    Hi Cass.

    As an outsider looking into your situation, all the signs that I’m getting are telling me that it would be better if you leave him alone. I really understand how hard this can be as I am too struggling with a similar situation (I posted a thread here recently).

    The simple fact is this: If this guy REALLY wanted to be with you, he would have already made the move to do so. You guys keep going back and forth, back and forth. He wants to be intimate when it’s convenient, but then pushes you away the next day. Don’t you think you deserve someone who wants you all the time?

    This guy clearly knows how you feel about him, yet he cannot reciprocate his feelings properly. You don’t deserve someone who hesitates and beat around the bush when it comes to the question whether he’ll be with you. If you try to push it, it will only end badly.

    I really understand what you’re going through. My ex was my best friend for 2 years, I have never been so close to anyone as I have with him. He was there for me through everything. He was my source of happiness (very unhealthy). And when he wanted me out of his life when I pushed for more affection due to him being distant, I was broken.

    It’s hard to completely let him go now, and you can’t just forget your feelings for him, but just try to gradually detach from him for your heart’s sake.

    Think of it this way, if you distance yourself, he may really miss you and decide that he does want to be with you. But if it doesn’t affect his decision in not wanting to be official with you, then that’s also great. Why? Because it’s better to know sooner than say after a couple more years of emotional distress over this on and off thing between you guys.

    You don’t need to make a big announcement that you’re going to back off, just do it. Focus on things that make you happy and learn to rely on yourself more. Over time you won’t feel like you need him so much and it will hurt less if he ever decides that he REALLY doesn’t want a relationship with you.

    Cass, please feel better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there ARE people out there who are more deserving of your time. Someone who won’t pull on your heart strings so much, who doesn’t hesitate to be with you.

    #38188
    Leina
    Participant

    Hi Tera.

    In my opinion, it’s possible to pick up with someone after you’ve been rejected by them but then they want you again, only if you BELIEVE he has changed and that there’s mutual interest in there.

    But you said it yourself that you have absolutely no interest and that he’s more of a chore than anything, so moving on and starting fresh would be a much better idea for your situation. You deserve someone who knows they want you the first time around, not after he has test the waters elsewhere to find out you were the right choice.

    #38185
    Leina
    Participant

    Hi Amy, I also went through a similar situation before my ex completely want me out of his life.

    We had some petty arguments but unlike the past where we would work it out, he wanted a break. His reason was that he needs to find himself and his purpose in life, but promised me that when everything is settled, he’d come back to me because I’m someone he want to be with in the long run.
    Over the break, I told him I wanted to make it work, and I wanted to be there for him, I didn’t want him to feel alone. Instead, it only made him want to prolong the break.

    Like your ex, mine also switched his feelings completely and turned into an arrogant, uncaring individual. At first he explained it was not because of me, it was just a “lone wolf’ phase he’s going through, implying that he’s like that with everyone.
    Eventually I found out that was not true, and the only person that he’s acting cold and arrogant to was me. In fact, while he was single, he was texting his friends about all these hot girls he saw and was actually flirting with one of his co-workers over the phone.

    We actually got back together for 2 days, then he wanted to end it for real, saying we don’t get along anymore, denying that there are any other girls involved. Like you, I begged and pleaded, but he repeatedly said no.

    You are so much stronger than I am, being able to pull off one month of no contact. I’m still struggling with not contacting mines, but for situation I think it would better if you just continue with no contact. Not to sound pessimistic, but no one knows what he’ll want after he “finds himself.” He may still want you, he may not. But if he still does wishes to be with you after he finds himself, he will reach out to you. It will hurt much less than if you stuck with him until he find himself and not choose you in the end.

    #38184
    Leina
    Participant

    Hi Anne, so here is what I came up with answering the questions..

    Statement: I need him to make me happy and make me feel like a worthwhile human being
    1. Is it true? Unfortunately yes.
    2. Can you absolutely know it’s true? Yes.
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? I get depressed when he’s not around. I don’t feel good about myself. I let that thought torment me so badly that I cannot function properly and let it affect school.
    4. Who would you be without that thought? Without that thought, I would be my old self before the relationship. I would be confident and happy, sweet and loving towards everyone. I would have a high self-esteem and do well in school.

    Turnaround statement: I only need myself to make me happy and make myself feel like a worthwhile human being.
    Ex 1: What he cannot have power over my emotions unless I ALLOW him to. I am in control of my own feelings.

    To be honest, I’m still struggling with finding examples on how the turnaround statement is true. But it’s a process I guess. Answering these does open my eyes to why I feel the way I do, and why I don’t need to feel them anymore.

    Sapnegi, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing, it’s the most horrible feeling ever. Your ex is just like mines, each time I contact him, he sounds colder, a complete opposite from the guy he was when we were together. It breaks my heart so bad yesterday after my phone call with him that I cried. And he said of course he loved because you’re HOT? What a freaking jerk. I dated mines for 2 and a half years, but 7 months in, he made a post on his blog (that he wasn’t aware that I knew of) saying “You’re just a pretty face and a good fuck.” I knew he was a virgin before me and he wasn’t cheating so it really broke my heart seeing that.. I should have took that as a big red flag instead of working it out with him.

    I felt so good yesterday, and was looking forward to coming back to this forum and express how much better I am than yesterday morning, but unfortunately I can’t..
    Like always, I woke up with him as my first thought. What’s worse? I had a dream about him last night, we were getting “intimate”. Ugh.

    But I fought that urge to check on his social networks today because I’ve learned that doing so will only increase my urge to contact him. Or usually, it would make me even angrier that he is unaffected by what is going on as he continue to post pics and try to impress girls on there.

    I am getting tired of this cycle but there’s not much else I can do but to just go through with it, and be strong enough to contact him. I know anger is not healthy but I find that when I talk about why he is not compatible with me with my family, the anger makes me feel better for the day.

    If any of you would like to have someone to just vent to throughout the day when you feel like no one is listening, feel free to email me leina.n72@gmail.com, I’m usually on my phone.

    For now I am going to work on bettering myself everyday, and I look forward to the day where I get over this and be able to post on here not as a dumpee with a broken heart, but someone who has learned from it and can help others through it.

    #38131
    Leina
    Participant

    Laleh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know how I could’ve missed your post! I thought I was the only one feeling this way and thought of myself as so much weaker than everyone but seems like everyone here is going through the same thing as me :/ You are right, so right, about the power having to come from myself and not him. I hate that I care so much about how he thinks of me and that should be one of the things I should improve on: not caring about what others think. And the switch that guys have? I hate that too. Why can us women have that? I also came up with a similar solution, to not give into that urge in the morning as I have already experience enough to know it will only hurt me more than benefit my healing process.

    Anne, I teared up reading the questions you posted. I didn’t realize how stupid I am until it’s in writing: “I need him to make me happy and feel like a worthwhile human being”. That is not healthy at all. I should NOT feel that way. I really love these questions and feel that going through them will help me through this process. As of now I’m about to go run some errands so I don’t have time but I will definitely check Laleh’s website and the website you gave me. I’ll let you guys know how it goes after I checked them.

    And yea I’m only 20. My mom said the same as you, she went through a lot of heartache with my dad and men she dated after that so her advice was also,”If I can do it, so can you!” πŸ™‚ But thanks again ladies, you don’t understand how much your advices mean to me. I feel very loved.

    #38124
    Leina
    Participant

    Amy I wished I have seen this before I called him today. I felt really weak. I couldn’t handle the pain so I guess I was looking for an instant gratification, which was to just hear his voice and thought maybe everything can be okay again and that the pain will go away.

    I’m so disappointed in myself. He didn’t pick up so I thought oh well good thing. But he called back 2 minutes later and I picked up. I don’t really know what I was expecting him to say, but the conversation went badly.. He was like “you haven’t move on yet?”

    He admits to missing us from time to time, but is firm that he doesn’t love me anymore. He said I was supportive of him in my own way, but not in the way he needed which was giving him space to be alone and independent. He prefers it to be how it is now, with us not contacting each other.

    I ended up saying that maybe everyone was right. That he is undeserving of me and he probably just used me all of those years. All he said was “I guess so.”

    And then it hits me, it REALLY is over. He didn’t care to defend himself, he didn’t care what I think of him. He just wanted me out of his life. The guy I once admire and respect is no longer there. He hates me.

    I’m sick of feeling this way, and having everyone in my family worry about me so much. I’m sick of being the weak and pathetic one while he’s enjoying his life without me. I should be the one being angry and cold, not him. He should be the one begging me for a second chance, not the other way around. So I’ve decided, starting today I’ll try 100x even harder to be happy without him. Instead of looking for ways to avoid the pain like reaching out to him and hoping he’ll respond positively, I’ll just have to accept my pain and let it fuel my drive to improve myself and succeed.

    Thank you amy, and previous posters for sharing your story and helping me through this. I just need to remind myself that I’ll be okay, I’ll always be okay. We will get through this πŸ™‚

    #38115
    Leina
    Participant

    I’m also at that point where I feel like making myself feel better is useless, because I’ll just wake up with the same feeling of desperation and depression the next morning..

    #38114
    Leina
    Participant

    Oh Anne.. It’s been 6 months? Honestly that kind of breaks me a little, I don’t think I can handle life if this pain can last that long πŸ™

    It happened again today. Yesterday I wrote down a list of things I don’t like about him and how we’ll never work together. I felt great afterwards reading it to my sister. I also got hit on at 2 different times yesterday, one even got my number (but hasnt called yet..) and it made me feel even better that I am still desirable. But today.. I woke up again with that desperate urge to know what he’s been up to, and checking only hurt me more.

    I can’t stop wondering how he can move on from me so easily considering all of the things he said and did for me in the past. I just want an answer why. Even if he does has a new girl, I’d want to know because that would make more sense than a sudden “we don’t get along”.

    I feel so much pain that I believe the only way to stop it is either sleep or suicide. Of course I don’t want to die, but the thought has came to me pretty often when I’m feeling like this in the morning. Anything would be better than missing someone who doesn’t miss me.

    #38081
    Leina
    Participant

    Hi Lucia and Charquise, thank you guys so much for responding, it means a lot to me.
    I just can’t seem to get over it because he’s the same guy I fell in love with everyone else, it’s just he’s being a jerk just to me. It makes me feel like it was all my fault.
    I do admit part of it is my fault because while I’m focused on building up his ego and confidence, I have let him break down my own confidence which leads to some of the issues in our relationship.

    The things I’d like to say to him is that I accept my responsibility in the breakup but he also has to admit his too. All I want to hear from him is that he does acknowledge that it was also his fault but that he would be willing to work it out. But I know better than to expect that because even if he feels that way, he’s too prideful to say anything and he has already move on so getting back together isn’t an option..

    At this point, I honestly don’t feel like I want to be back with him either. I just feel this need to have him contact me first so I can take some power back because I feel like I gave him all the power when I begged him to stay when he wanted to breakup. I can’t stop myself from checking up on him on instagram and it seems like he’s doing well without me, which hurts my self-esteem even more. I tell myself each time that I’d stop checking, but the next day I’d have the urge to check again, hoping he’d show some sign that he’s not doing well without me.

    Ahh I feel so pathetic. But thanks again ladies, I take your advice to heart and I’ll try even harder to move on now. πŸ™‚

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