Do I move on or fight for him?

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    Hey everyone,
    I’ve only just found this site and it has been a bit of a lifeline for me. My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, we were so devoted to each other, made future plans, felt madly in love. We went to university together and the odd few arguments began, I will admit I felt frustrated with him quite a lot and that was a cause for the arguments. Anyway, we eventually decided to take a small break. Halfway through this break I realised I wanted to work through this as it was just a small bad patch. I told him but he said he needed more time and eventually told me he had to be selfish and break up with me to find himself and have time alone. He seemed to switch his feelings off and was suddenly replaced by an arrogant uncaring individual.

    The shock and the loss was so painful, I begged, pleaded etc but nothing worked. I eventually halted to contact because it was too painful and took time to myself. It was very difficult but I made a month of no contact and eventually text him. He had desperately wanted to remain friends so he was glad of the communication.

    I am no where near as bad as I had been, I can’t even describe the pain, and I know that eventually it will pass. I have accepted what has happened and that we will never go back to being how we were but I don’t know what path to take now. Do I move through this and look ahead, or do I remain close to him until he ‘finds himself’. I don’t blame him, we are both so young. It has been 8 weeks since the break up and although it doesn’t hurt as much I still love him with every part of me.

    What should I do?



    As you said, you are young. Being young does not make your love any less potent, but it can make it more confusing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First is that as people grow, sometimes they grow in different directions. Many young love experiences are like this, where two people who find they can connect attempt to remain together even as the winds of change push them apart. This can produce a lot of tension. For some, love becomes everything good about the world and they don’t seek their own path, rather they seek the “us” path. For others, exploring and growing is a very personal journey, and they feel the need to walk it alone.

    It sounds like he is trying to find himself and grow. My best advice is for you to do the same. If you two are going to end up together is a mystery that only time will tell, so all that can be done is to let go and start exploring. Perhaps you could embrace the activities that you enjoy, and look for the way your unique point of view adds beauty into this world. This will help all of us grow, and especially you! As you grow, you’ll be in a better position to connect with him (or another) from a place of maturity and wisdom. Those two elements underpin most successful relationships.

    With warmth,



    I would like to quote you only before I express my opinion on the issue at hand.

    “he said he needed more time and eventually told me he had to be selfish and break up with me to find himself and have time alone. He seemed to switch his feelings off and was suddenly replaced by an arrogant uncaring individual.”

    It’s his choice which he has exercised. You missing him is something very natural. It happens whenever a relationship ends. But won’t you like to avoid being in someone’s life if he doesn’t want you to be in it. Worse still if he wants you on his own terms….like if you are a friend to support it’s fine…but I don’t want you as a girlfriend.

    So I don’t see you having very many options here except moving on. Whether you want to keep in touch with him or not depends entirely on his and your maturity. You have to see if you guys would be adding any value to each other’s life if you remain friends….would it make your life better in any way….think about it.

    Girl you are young…..always always always focus on looking ahead….

    When nothing occurs to me about some issue, I postpone thinking about it for some time. Give yourself a break and think about what you want to do little later…say two months from now….you can wait that much I guess….you will be lot clearer about what you want. So for now…tell yourself………..I am very hurt right now and this may not be the best time to think objectively about what I want. So let me take a break from my thoughts and I will think about it two months later. In the meantime( in these two months) learn something…go out on vacation, spend time with family. Two months from now, you will be in a much better position to see what has happened now.

    Stay Blessed


    Hi Amy, I also went through a similar situation before my ex completely want me out of his life.

    We had some petty arguments but unlike the past where we would work it out, he wanted a break. His reason was that he needs to find himself and his purpose in life, but promised me that when everything is settled, he’d come back to me because I’m someone he want to be with in the long run.
    Over the break, I told him I wanted to make it work, and I wanted to be there for him, I didn’t want him to feel alone. Instead, it only made him want to prolong the break.

    Like your ex, mine also switched his feelings completely and turned into an arrogant, uncaring individual. At first he explained it was not because of me, it was just a “lone wolf’ phase he’s going through, implying that he’s like that with everyone.
    Eventually I found out that was not true, and the only person that he’s acting cold and arrogant to was me. In fact, while he was single, he was texting his friends about all these hot girls he saw and was actually flirting with one of his co-workers over the phone.

    We actually got back together for 2 days, then he wanted to end it for real, saying we don’t get along anymore, denying that there are any other girls involved. Like you, I begged and pleaded, but he repeatedly said no.

    You are so much stronger than I am, being able to pull off one month of no contact. I’m still struggling with not contacting mines, but for situation I think it would better if you just continue with no contact. Not to sound pessimistic, but no one knows what he’ll want after he “finds himself.” He may still want you, he may not. But if he still does wishes to be with you after he finds himself, he will reach out to you. It will hurt much less than if you stuck with him until he find himself and not choose you in the end.

    Fe Martin

    Hello Amy.

    I’m going through the same situation as well. I just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. We broke up over petty things which could be solve easily but he said that he didn’t want to work it out anymore and he’s giving up. He ignored me completely when I beg for him to come back. When he replied me once, the conversation was hurtful and he was pushing me to move on and tell me that his mother hates me from the beginning. I was so hurt, angry and frustrated.

    I don’t know about you but would you STILL want to be with someone who once didn’t want to work the relationship?

    I guess “no contact” is vital step for you to move on or forget him. You may not feel it right now, but your heartache may lessen overtime and try to make yourself busy as possible so you won’t think of him at all. I know it’s hard, and I’m going through the same situation as well. I’m trying hard to move on.

    I hope you will feel much better soon.


    OMG I have read everyone’s posts in here and sad that we all went through the same things…. my BF suddenly changed because of some petty argument, just a day before he promised me the moon and the stars! He turned cold, uncaring and even rude…. and at this point I think if that happens, we really cannot do anything about i but move on, no matter how painful. It’s not easy I know, I’ve cried a bucket, analyzed things over and over and tried to find out what went wrong. But in the end, we won’t get the answer we need simply because those men are not ready to face and accept the word “commitment” which is what we really want, right?

    I am still not fully recovered, but at least the heavy heart is gone now…. and I don’t want to be bitter about it, nor do I want to keep hatred. Coz frankly, if those men cannot meet us halfway, then the relationship is doomed from the start. Love is all about complete Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Open Communication and Commitment. And LOVE is the reason we all exist. So let him go, if he comes back to you, it was meant to be… If not, then it’s his loss.

    Stay strong and keep praying…. remember that everything happens for a reason.


    I hear a common theme in this thread. A question for all who felt the arguments or problems were/are petty – To the other party involved, were those issues petty to them? Perhaps our ego has come into play and reduced our vision. Our loved ones as individuals will have different opinions and as a couple may even feel hurt by our reactions to what they deem important. These hurts, silent as they may be, can cause tiny splits in our communication. If someone feels they are not heard in a relationship it will lead to resentment and defence. There is room for room in these situations, be patient and kind while you are separated. Do not smother him and give him the space. Clarity will come to you and you’ll have an answer in time.

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