August 6, 2013 at 2:19 pm #39857
I have 23 years old and I’ve never been in relationship. Honestly, I haven’t been aware of fact that something is missing in my life until I fell in love for the first time. It happened about 7 months ago, but girl who totally stole my heart, broke it into tiny, little pieces. It turned out that she has a bf and they are together for almost 6 years. Even so she really liked me and somehow I became one of her best friends. As you probably know, it’s nothing that guy in love can be happy about… Even so, I tried to be her friend for couple next months but I couldn’t carry on with this any longer. It hurted way too much. I ended our acquaintance and didn’t change my mind even when she told me that I am hurting her by doing so.
It’s been 2 long moths since then. At some point I thought that I finally got over her. But recently sad and bitter thoughts are running through my head again and again 🙁 I know that I’m not the only one who suffer of heartbreak and each person in my situation feels the same – that he/she has lost the best and the most unique person on entire damn planet… But behind those “standard” concerns there are some different thoughts. And they scare me. They are depressing, painful, sorrowful and totally overwhelming…
I’ve never experienced this silly, innocent kind of love typical for teenagers. I’m not a teenager anymore and I will NEVER be again. I will never recall any memories of me and my first gf kissing in my room while parents are downstairs… memories of me sending her love letters written on tiny sheets of paper, memories of our first date, right after school bus trip where we have met each other… awareness of being FIRST big love of that particular girl. First. Not second, third or fourth boyfriend but THE FIRST ONE. Unique. Irreplaceable. The first person in her entire life to hold her hand.
You may find this stupid but for some reason it’s very important for me.. I feel like some essential stage of my life was omitted, like one step in the process of evolution was skipped… and it brings me sense of being incomplete. Like I have lost something what cannot be replaced by anything else. It’s wrecking me and makes me cry.
There is time for everything in ours lives.. first holiday season with family, first party with new friends, first car, first job, first heartbreak, and first silly,innocent, teenage love.
I still haven’t bought my first car. But there is time for that. As opposed to my dreamt love.
This period of my life is over.August 6, 2013 at 3:07 pm #39860
I’m sorry for the feeling of loss and intense regret within your suffering. Love can be a crazy ride… sometimes high and brilliant, and sometimes low and shadowy. As I read and thought on your words, a few things came to heart.
The reason our first “teenage love” feels so potent is because it is like a dam breaking and a river flooding. This is extremely startling and inspiring! The whole world glows and the birds sing. When it ends, we’re left with an empty vessel, like finishing a carton of chocolate ice cream for the first time and saying “wow, that was awesome, and darn it, its all gone.” This doesn’t mean that we’ll never have it again… rather we’ve never had something like it and so really notice its absence. Aww, back to broccoli? It arises as an intense feeling of isolation… of awww shucks… regret.
Perhaps you can let go of the empty carton (past moments) and head back for a different flavor. Sure, it won’t be the same as the last time… but face it… last time she was with a guy. That’s a pretty big fly in the cream, no? Said differently, as you dive back in and see what’s out there, the first love becomes easy to let go of as we become more skillful at finding a partner and loving them. This grows a love that is reciprocal, not based on the beauty of “firstness” or “sexual desire”, and better suited to us.
Now that the romantic spirit has awoken inside you, there is no need for regret at having slept… its really just wasting time. Instead, keep the spirit alight by being courageous enough to put yourself out there. Flirt. Be a dork. Say what’s on your mind or in your heart. Be the vibrant and playful you, and a girl who is open to you will respond. Maybe not the first or fifth, but keep going, you’ll find her… and as you reveal your heart and charm to others, she’ll find you.
MattAugust 7, 2013 at 1:59 am #39882
That’s a big fly in the ice cream indeed! The problem is that I hung out with her waaaaay too long. As I said I’m unexperienced and I really didn’t know how it gonna evolve. I really thought that I will pass this phase and my affection will turn into “just friendship”. But it didn’t. Instead of that my affection has grown to enormous size, it was like a flame consuming my soul and I couldn’t help it. It was like a highly addictive drug – like a junkie I used to say everyday: “Just one last hit and I will let it go” But the more I ventured into her, the more addicted I became…
Simultanously I was thinking about their relationship. I was imaginating their first date while they still were kids, their first kiss, first holiday together, and who knows… maybe they knew each other long before they became couple? Entire childhood together? Maybe they were watching cartoons together, climbing trees during summertime on countryside, riding bikes with other kids in the neighbourhood… All those thoughts scream how deep and intense is that relationship, something far beyond my perception.. Real love based on years of friendship, based on trust.. like a flame which maybe lost its fierce power but burns steadily and is regulary fueled up by unlimited resources of firestarter so there is no single asshole in this world who can extinguish it (not that i tried…)
All of those thoughts make me feel so f*ckin lonely that I want break down and cry. Even when I finally find someone in my life how long it gonna take to build such a solid, powerful love? Love which is not like a spark in the haystack which burns wildly but burns out quickly. But love which is like a flame in a gas lamp – regular and controlled but unstoppable becouse its fueled up by unlimited resources of oil…
Another thing is that I cannot even look at any other girl. Just like they were transparent. I see only one. I can hardly withstand desire to find her again. Somewhere in my heart I hate myself for loving her. I try to forgive myself but part of my soul screams that I’m a scumbag becouse I desire someone who’s not meant to be in my life.
I have no idea how to win that struggle. I live in a prison which I build for myself. I’m a hostage of my affection. And I don’t know how to get my life back…August 7, 2013 at 9:17 am #39911
I like the way you are seeing your behavior as addicted. Love addiction is difficult, because the mind and body recognizes that what it wants is reasonable, even important. The solution may be a bit jarring, but basically you have to let go of the fantasy, the dream.
What you have with that girl is not love, its infatuation and sensual craving. Said differently, as you look at her and dream about what her life is like, you sound like you are doing the romantic equivalent of masturbating. You look at all the choicest bits, and stroke your longing… your dream of what romance looks like.
The truth is not like that. That girl gets smelly diarrhea, gets angry and petty, has fights with her boyfriend, and has armpits that stink. She is made out of blood and bones and puss and snot and poop and piss. She will succumb to old age, sickness and death. What you’re masturbating to is not her, its a fantasy of her… what you love is not her, its the way you feel when you think about her. You don’t know her well enough to love the actual her.
Stop arguing, you know the truth of this. Real love is not about bike rides and kisses and a gas lamp that burns eternally. Its about mutual acceptance, about giving when it hurts, about seeing the blood and poop and boobs and sorrow with equal patient attention. That being said, it is far more powerful and fulfilling than a teenage fantasy.
Most teenage hay burning romances end with a lot of pain. Even more pain than you’re experiencing now. Far more. So why do you say “I wish I could have stood in a burning building?” Do you see how dumb that is? Its like a girl regretting that she waited until her twenties to lose her virginity. As a twenty-something, she has a level of maturity that can make her experience much more fulfilling… while most first times are quick, awkward and painful.
If you can see the truth I see and am expressing here, then there is a simple solution. Learn to work with your mind more skillfully. Instead of sitting around dreaming of what could have been or what might be, we can let go of that habit and get back into our body. Consider doing a counting breath meditation (search YouTube for jayasaro counting breaths for a simple method). This will help you develop concentration so you stop falling into dreams and visions, and stay alert the beauty that is around you. Remember, its the foolishness of your mind that is making you think the girl is then source. Its actually your own body and your dreaming. Its no wonder all other girls are transparent… your mind is so spinny that I bet you’re not even seeing the object of your dreaming.
MattAugust 7, 2013 at 10:32 am #39919
I agree with Matt. I feel for you. I’ve been there before and I know this may not mean much or it may sound unusually cruel, but I’m glad that you’ve had this experience at such a young age as opposed to when you’re older. You’ve already admitted that your behavior and reactions are those of a drug addict and that is an amazing first step. This realization and the pain and suffering that you’re experiencing right now could open your eyes to a world that you never knew existed and can help you find a new resource of strength inside of you that you didn’t even realize was there.
It’s a painful inward looking journey that uncovers loneliness, insecurity, desire, addiction, obsession, anger, jealousy, judgement, and a desperate clutching for something solid that really doesn’t exist. It exposes you to the realities of love and relationships that are far more profound than what you think is possible or ideal.
“first gf kissing in my room while parents are downstairs… ”
“memories of me sending her love letters written on tiny sheets of paper, memories of our first date, right after school bus trip where we have met each other”
“love which is like a flame in a gas lamp…fueled by unlimited resources of oil…”
“first kiss, first holiday,…”
I’ve been there before and I know how these things seem very important and real as you look to them as proof of love, but I tell you there’s not much there. We are victims of a society obsessed with counting and numbers. “Who was your first? Who was your second? How many did you have?” What we’re not taught is how to look for quality over quantity, how to seek depth over superficial comparisons, or how to feel instead of looking for proof of feelings.
The sentiments you echo are words and images of things you’ve seen in movies and heard in songs. They’re fun to think about, but they’re not love. They’re not worth shedding a tear over or striving for. They’re fantasy and not even your fantasy, but the fantasies of people that have come before you who themselves were deluded, dare I even say brainwashed into believing that’s what love is. Passed down from generation to generation, it’s a ruse that’s been unknowingly perpetuated on so many of us and one that we’re at the risk pushing and promoting onto future generations.
Take Romeo and Juliet for example; two highly dysfunctional and deluded individuals whose tragic ending reveals more about the health of their relationship than all the lovey-dovey words they exchanged. And what do we focus on? We focus on their passion, their flame. But where did that fire take them? It consumed them into a premature death because they couldn’t see the world beyond each others noses.
Avoid their tragic end by learning from addicts that came before you.August 7, 2013 at 10:58 am #39920
I can relate to what you are feeling. I also missed out on the typical teenaged first loves because I wasn’t allowed date until I was finished high school. I went on my first date when I was 25. And in the beginning, I too regretted that I never got to experience love and romance as a teenager. But as I got a bit older, I’m happier it turned out this way. As teenagers, we are young and immature and inexperienced and prone to making bad decisions because we don’t know any better and think we know better than anyone else. If I had dated earlier, I might have made some bad decisions through no fault of my own, but because of immaturity and inexperience. I’m glad I waited until I was older to take those important steps in love and dating.
Matt speaks a lot of truth above: real love is not all hazy summer nights holding hands amongst the fireflies. You’re young, you have a great deal of time to find someone and build that long-lasting partnership with.
This also might be a relevant read for you, I know it is for me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LimeranceAugust 7, 2013 at 11:09 am #39922
Thank you Jade for posting the Wikipedia link! What amazing thing to discover that our obsessions and attachments could be so eloquently summarized in one word. It describes them perfectly.August 7, 2013 at 2:10 pm #39933
Thank you guys for being so suportive 🙂 I really appreciate that you found some time to read my story and relate to it by sharing your own experience. Especially post written by John is a huge eye-opener. I have to read it few more times… Actually I’ve heard those words before. Deep within me. But I was so obsessed by my fantasies that I’ve never listened to it. Hearing other people standing by my inner voice highly increases its credibility 🙂
btw it is ridiculous how difficult is to let it go even if we are aware that those fantasies are not real. Living in imaginary world of ideal love is too seductive to exit it just like that. Comparison to drug addiction is more accurate than some people would think.
– Love junkie on rehab