Dear Maria Mango:

You are uncomfortable reporting issues to your boss upfront because it causes you anxiety. But you know that it is to your benefit to do so; that it is the right thing to do. What can you do to conquer this anxiety?

To report issues to your boss uprfront. Notice when there is an issue to report; then notice your anxiety, your distress at the thought of doing so. Then take a few deep breaths, and with your heart beating faster and maybe feeling your body temperature going up, focus on your breathing and do the deed: report. Congratulate yourself every time. Do not beat yourself up for not executing the reporting perfectly. Focus on progress, not perfection.

Then do it again and again. Over time it will become easier.

anita

Dear Maria Mango:

Yes, I can tell you are pretty hard on yourself- the sad face tells me that as well as your expressions in this thread. Seems like you consider making mistakes, or performing less than perfectly, to mean that you, as a person, are inadequate, unacceptable. It feels so badly, doesn’t it, to feel this way?

So much so that you would rather give up the job than feel inadequate.

But this feeling, this belief that you are unacceptable for performing less than perfectly, that will cause you trouble wherever you go, whatever job you have, almost. So better deal with it in this job and in your current life circumstances.

I think this common misconception that performing less than perfectly indicates being unworthy/ inadequate/ unacceptable has to do with having been punished as a child for such, having been beaten up for such- and that punishment (verbally, if not physically) is something the child-turned-adult keeps inflicting upon herself.

Was that the case with you?

anita

Dear Maria Mango:

Perfection as a safety mechanism doesn’t work on the long run. It can give you a feeling of safety here and there, keep some jobs ongoing, but it doesn’t work on the long run because we are imperfect, there really is no such thing as perfection, for humans, for anything living (for a machine, there is..?)

You learned that the less mistakes you make the more people will like you and accept you, except for you! Being hard on yourself is like bullying yourself. When you bully yourself, sometimes you avoid others bullying you, but you are still being bullied.

anita

You are welcome, Maria Mango. There are strategies to slowly, very slowly and patiently externalize that Inner Bully. I’ve been doing this kind of work on myself for a long, long time.

anita