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Just lookin for insight

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  • June 13, 2017 at 8:45 pm #153060
    Shemar
    Participant

    Hello everyone

    I’m making this post to find some insight I guess.

    Short back story about me, I’m so used to being liked by everyone, I guess because I always try to please everyone. I’m happily married with two step kids, just bought a home and Life is pretty good. I love my. Wife dearly and would never do anything to destroy that love and bond.

    I just can’t seem to shake these thoughts of my ex. See we had a great relationship (well not so much towards the end) and we were very close and I loved her son which was an infant when I met her so. He grew up calling me dad. Things between us just felt so free and so fun and nothing mattered (until everything mattered) Things fell apart and we had to Go our separate ways and I miss that little boy dearly. Things mainly feel apart because I couldn’t be who she needed me to be (or wanted) which was a dad. I was just twenty something year old guy trying to find his own place in life and being a dad wasn’t one of them.

    I spoke to her awhile back and she was very upset because I got married and I didn’t tell her so we aren’t on speaking terms. I can’t help but fall into deep thought thinking of the past and how I wish we could just have a conversation and I could see her son again. I understand why it’s not a good idea but it haunts me a bit. It’s like I left him and I honestly haven’t forgiven myself for it.

    So how can I get over these thoughts and just let things be what they are?

    June 13, 2017 at 9:03 pm #153084
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Hi @Shemar,

    The beauty of the past is knowing that it was special with people you once loved and care for but it can also be ugly because of the pain of the mistakes you have made and the problems that arise from it. You first have to accept that things change and that everything happens for a reason. There was a reason things didn’t work out and you have to accept that you can’t change the things that have already happened. If you’re now dwelling on it it’s because you feel guilty for the son who depended on you to be there for him and it hurts but you have to accept that you weren’t happy and forgive yourself for leaving that relationship.

    If you want to reconnect with the son and your ex you need to talk things out with your current family first because that’s what you have now. Last thing you want is to cause problems with your current wife and kids because they might be hurt you want to care for another family and that they might not be enough for you. You need to be honest with yourself and your family and let them know that you feel guilty and you want to reconnect and mend things since it was left on bad terms. If your wife and kids can be understanding of that then that gives you permission to try and mends things with your ex and her son.

    Now you have to accept that you made a mistake by not informing your ex that you had moved on and that you have your own family because she probably feels that you betrayed her and her son. You need to let her know that it was not your intentions to hurt them and that you were just trying to do what was best for you first. You have to show her how geniuenly sorry you are and that you want to be friends and be part of her son’s life again. If your ex cannot accept your apology and she does not want you to be involved anymore then you must move on and let her and her son be for you have done all you can and need to let go.

    Once you have that closure you can finally move on with life and try to enjoy what you have now and use that experience to prevent it from happening again. It’s not easy but this is the best way to go about things for the sake of your happiness. You have to be honest and open but also accepting that everything happens for a reason good and bad.

    I hope that helps and good luck figuring things out!

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Jennifer.
    June 13, 2017 at 9:13 pm #153088
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shemar:

    I need some information so to offer the insight you are asking for:

    Are you considering reconnecting with the boy? If so:

    How long has it been since you last saw your ex’s son, or had any contact with him?

    How old is he now?

    Did you prepare her son for the departure from his life; was there a conversation with him?

    Do you know if he currently has a father figure in his life?

    anita

    June 14, 2017 at 4:06 am #153110
    Shemar
    Participant

    I honestly just would like to know and see how he is doing. Unfortunately there was no preparation for when I left. I’m sure he was aware that I wasn’t coming around as much because he would ask for me all the time. I’m not aware of a father figure in his life. It’s been atleast a year since I’ve actually seen him. Maybe I should just leave things in the past and just hope that he’s doing fine. He has a great mom so that helps me with knowing he’s doing great.

    June 14, 2017 at 5:44 am #153126
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shemar:

    You wrote that you are not in speaking terms with the boy’s mother. There is no way for you to have access to the boy without his mother’s consent. All you can do is send her a message, asking her if the boy still asks about you, and if he does, to send him a message, that you miss him and wish you were there for him. You can let her know that if her son still asks about you, that you are willing to see him regularly (if you are willing and able to commit to such), let’s say once a week or so.

    Then it will be up to her. If she is the good mother you believe she is, she will proceed according to the best interest of her child.

    anita

    June 14, 2017 at 6:20 am #153136
    Shemar
    Participant

    Thank you, I’ll take those things into consideration.

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