I feel I am one of the most insecure persons in the world. Even when I am writing this , deep inside I’m feeling the painful urge to write it perfectly which if I dont do I will be damned. Deep down, I feel my feelings are not the ones I expect them to be. I feel like I wish to be happy, confident, humorous, self assured but what in turn I get from these expectations is fear, self doubt, shyness and embarrassment. These are the feelings which have defined my life.
Self doubt over my capabilities, extreme expectations from myself and fear of not being able to be upto those expectations, fear of causing embarrassment to myself by my own behavior is all the nature has gifted me. There is a continuous sense of lack inside and no matter what I do , I have never in my life been able to get over this feeling. I feel the constant and never ending anxiety within. ‘I am not good enough’ is what my subconscious tells me everytime. Though I am intelligent enough to not believe in these feelings, these feelings refuse to subside. It seems like me and my mind are not in sync. The person I fear most in this world is MYSELF. In my mind the ‘competitive mode’ always remains ON.
The only thing my mind has been designed to focus in is my shortcomings and others qualities. It is able to find qualities in others even if they may not have one and shortcomings in me even I do good enough. No matter what people do; be it even cutting a piece of onion my mind would tell me ‘See how perfectly he does it’. No matter what I do and how much good , my mind tells me ‘It is not good enough’.
Lately I have started meditating and obviously it has given me a positive perspective to deal with things but Nature is Nature. I may ignore –ve feelings, I may ignore whatever my mind feeds me about my self –capabilities, but they are still there, dragging me downwards, telling me I am not good enough.
Whenever I watch a comedian doing a good comedy spontaneously, my mind tells me see how good he does it because he is happy and not insecure, and afraid like you. Then it generalizes it to every aspect of life telling me that you are not good enough because you are insecure. Watching somebody with a good sense of humor, I feel I am not good enough because I am insecure and afraid. Watching somebody solving problems efficiently, my mind tells me “see how good he is.”It acts the same way in every aspect of my life. I feel an urge inside to prove myself with a sense of self doubt and fear that I will never be able to .I am able to see the obvious irony in this that my inner self which is insecure, afraid telling me “You are not good enough because you are insecure and afraid”.
Deep down I know that only reason I am not good enough is that I think that I am not good enough. Despite this I cant stop my mind from feeling like a failure, burdened with self expectations, urging me to prove myself, afraid that I won’t be able to, fault in me and negatively comparing me with others .
I am ambitious, I have dreams , I am perfectionist ,I have expectations but all they have done is pulling me back from them. It feels like I am fighting with myself , myself dragging me down and me pulling me up against myself.

It has been more than 24 hours since I’ve been feeling anxious. I have an alter ego. Its like someone is there inside me who’s not satisfied with me. This someone in me, is too much demanding. I don’t know what he wants because no matter what I do , he’s never satisfied. He is too harsh on me and the pain He is inflicting on my soul and mind is unbearable. This ‘someone’ is too much obsessed with finding faults in me and pulling me down. He has too much expectations from me but doesn’t believe in me. Every moment He is judging me, finding faults in me even in my silliest actions. Everything I do and the way I do is insufficient to satisfy this someone because His expectations are completely reverse to what I do. I find that external circumstances don’t bother me but it is the inner someone who is pulling me down every moment.
I wish to enjoy my days, my moments , pursue my hobbies my interests ;I wish to learn , to be adventurous , to enjoy new things. I wish to live life to the fullest . I wish to fulfill my dreams. I wish to be spontaneous. But everything I would love to do seems to run away from me. Whenever I try to do what I love, this someone pulls me back, negatively compares me , doubts my capabilities, doesn’t miss even my silliest mistakes, forces me to do the mistakes. I feel my mind going blank every now and then. I find myself drowned in thoughts, missing actions, trying to save myself from myself ,from being pulled back by me.
The more I wish to reach sky, The more I am pulled down into earth. I find myself in a deadly swamp, the more I try to come out of it the more it engulfs me. Since I’ve been living, I don’t remember even a single day when I have not found myself drenched in these feelings.
This someone in me, these feelings, these self –expectations, this tendency to pull myself down have inflected a serious blow to my self – belief, and my confidence .Sometimes I feel these self inflicted wounds will never heal. They are growing and becoming more severe, more excruciating day by day. I fear someday they will make me a living Dead.