LDR break-up?

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    My boyfriend and I have been going out for coming up to 4 years. We were in a long distance relationship (UK-France) a couple of years ago and now we are in the same situation, though I’m wondering whether we’ve grown apart. He’s still lovely and supportive, and I trust him completely; however there are several things that are making me unhappy. I’m not sure if I’m just asking too much?

    1) He never makes the effort to come and visit me, whereas I go to visit him every month. I don’t think he has malicious intentions but just likes to spend time alone in his room gaming etc. We have also never been together for NYE so this year I gave him enough notice and proposed that we spend it together. He said “there are so many parties going on at NYE”… enough said. I expressed my disappointment and he apologised and bought me flowers. He now keeps saying “oh, I should get on that or you’re going to leave me for someone else”, but then he never really does organise anything nice for us to do…

    2) When we are together, we are very rarely intimate. I don’t know how much of this is just being out of the honeymoon period.

    3) I have never been with anyone else and wonder if I’m missing out. I find it hard to think that I could just be with one person forever, without having had any other experiences. I have no baseline as to what is normal or not…

    4) I am going to do a postgrad course back in the UK in the autumn. It’s not in the same city as him, but still not too far away. I’m not sure if it will last the distance and I don’t know if I’ll meet someone new. He is still only halfway through a medical course, so I see him less and less as his course gets more demanding.

    Anyone who I have spoken to about this has just said that I’ll know if I meet someone else, but it is hard to meet other people if you’re not openly single. I have found myself being more and more interested in getting to know other guys, but also know that I would feel crushed breaking up with him. I know I can’t have my cake and eat it too: what should I do?!

    Please let me know what your thoughts are as I am feeling very lost. Thank you in advance!


    Dear uclmerc:

    It will help me understand better if you elaborate on “He’s still lovely and supportive”- what is it that he says and does that is lovely and supportive”

    Also, “I trust him completely”- you trust him to do, or to not do what?

    If you choose to answer me, I will hopefully have some thoughts to offer you.




    Dear  uclmerc:

    Reading your post the thought that came to mind is that you have already decided the future of this relationship. Their is nothing wrong with the relationship but its missing something. Love is the requirement for all relationships however love does not mean a relationship is meant to be.

    If I’m correct you may be unconsciously ‘testing’ your partner and looking for failures. Even setting him up for failures. The failures giving you ‘permission’ to be upset and end things or perhaps make life so difficult he ends things. You don’t  need to seek out this type of ‘permission’.  This unconscious testing can become a unintentional form of ‘gas lighting’ where both parties begin to question there reality – especially the one being “tested”. Having been on the receiving end I can tell you its very painful way to end things.

    Re-read your post and ask yourself if you haven’t already made your decision and then be honest with your self and partner.

    Be kind to yourself



    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Peter.
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