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Left the love of my life, can't forgive myself

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • January 8, 2014 at 10:33 am #48682
    Alison
    Participant

    I worry that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. Six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of five years (We are both 22), with whom I’d moved in for the summer while on a break from university. At the time, he was moving to Germany for a year to look for work after being unsuccessful finding a job in the UK. Two days before he was due to leave, I broke up with him, citing distance as the reason. He was heartbroken, but I stayed firm.

    If I’m honest, there was more to it. He is an extremely talented artist, and I felt insecure that he didn’t consider my career (teaching) to be very creative. I felt like all my time was spent integrating myself into his life and social circle rather than focusing on my own. I was afraid that I would spend my time at university in a long-distance relationship, supporting someone else’s dream, and that I would end up alone once that dream became a reality. I didn’t say any of this until we made contact again two months later, which I feel awful about, as I know I should have been upfront about it and maybe had a chance of working things out.

    Looking back, I think I let my own insecurities get the better of me – I’m finding it very difficult to distinguish which of my fears were just projections without any grounding in reality. He is the most intelligent, insightful and hilarious man I have ever met, and we were completely in love. I still am. He never gave me any reason to doubt him. More than anything, I want to be back with him – my anxieties about the issues above feel so small compared to the pain of being without him. I’ve done a lot of emotional work, and I feel like I could handle the potential problems that used to scare me.

    He is back in the UK and his career is beginning to take off. We met up a few weeks ago, I explained myself and told him I still loved him. He told me the same, but that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We spent the rest of that day acting as though we were still together, and I had so much hope. Shortly afterwards, he phoned me to say that he’d met someone, although he still wasn’t sure whether he was ready to be in another relationship. Since then, he’s cut contact, but I saw on FB that she spent the holidays with his family and friends.

    I still can’t let go of the idea that we might get back together once he’s had a period of time seeing other people. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I should have done to work things out before walking away. I feel like I abandoned him at a low point in his life, and I’m finding it hard to forgive myself. I am seeing someone new, but I don’t think I can love someone like I loved my ex. I don’t want to lose contact with my ex, but I’m scared about coming across as the “crazy ex-girlfriend”. I just wish we could work things out. I beat myself up over it every day, because I can’t believe I threw away something so good.

    January 8, 2014 at 11:34 am #48693
    Shannon
    Participant

    You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, I think you had a very reasonable fear in the effects of a long distance relationship. That’s something that breaks MANY couples apart. I think part of you knew this fact and cut it off with him to prevent him breaking up with you and cause you pain. I think thats a very natural feeling you are experiencing.

    Now, you have him still in your life and you’re both with someone new. He has told you that he still loves you and I’m certain thats true. Your time together will always be imprinted on his heart, and whose to say he isn’t aching for you right now? But wounds need time to heal and that time will also give you a chance to get a better perspective of everything. I remember my first love, I have known him for almost 7 years now and he is still in my life and even though we have gone through a lot of bad stuff together there will always be a small soft spot for him in my heart. You see, after the first year we were together he had to move out of state to Florida for a school. He broke up with me and cited long distance as the reason, and at first I was very upset. That was when I was 21 but after years later we came back into contact, tried the relationship again and found out we didn’t work as a couple. I have had a lot of time to reflect on us and even though it didn’t work out I have him housed in my heart and thats not a bad thing. He helped build me into the person I am and gave me new experiences. But it took a lot of time to be able to comfortably sit with those feelings – in the beginning when he first left me I thought my heart would stop from all the pain of how much I missed him.

    There might still be a chance for you two in the future but don’t cling to that image. Whatever will be will be, and you may have opened your life up to something new and better. Take this experience as just that – an experience. Use it as knowledge of how you want to conduct yourself in the future.

    Make sure you give yourself some compassion too.

    Namaste

    Shannon

    January 8, 2014 at 11:55 am #48696
    Jade
    Participant

    I think you made a very wise and mature decision when you decided to break up with him, but that doesn’t mean your heart still can’t hurt. I also think many people fixate on the “greener grass” on the other side of their decision. Trust yourself that you made the best decision possible at that given moment in time, it was what you needed for yourself. It’s easy to fixate on the past and retrospectively pick apart your past decisions, but I would advise letting go of the past and focusing on the future. It’s hard letting go of heartbreak, but give yourself time and I think you will be fine. 🙂

    January 9, 2014 at 7:47 am #48775
    Manuel Durán
    Participant

    Hi There Allison,

    First time commenting here, I just couldn’t help doing it since I find myself related to your story. I broke up with my boyfriend almost a month ago, he is also a very talented artist. We were together for 2 years, I have never loved anyone as I love him. We went through separation since I was working in a cruise company as camera man and broadcast technician so I had to travel around the world for several months and still we made it work. I used to spend a lot of money calling him from the ship I was, we missed each other so hard that we agreed to move together as soon as I came back, but I actually moved to his place which I never felt as my own. It also was his workplace so I ended up working on his projects and feeling I was going to end up rejected and alone once we were long years together and he would have accomplished everything in his career. All of the sudden I felt suffocated and I moved. He got shocked and he said we could work it out but I felt I need my own space to think, that seemed the right thing to do at that moment, I guess I got my -turning 30- sort of crisis (he’s 30 as well), I felt I needed to focus on myself and I couldn’t do it living with him at his workplace.
    Now I miss him like hell, I’ve been through a suffering spiral where I’ve just been at home depressed, I had to shut down almost all my social media accounts, now I understand that I just need some time for myself, I can’t love him if I don’t love myself first and fulfil my dreams. Thanks to tiny buddha I’ve found some relief and I’ve been able to work out on my self esteem I think that also had a lot to do with it, and well I’m filling my head with thoughts of love and understanding, no one belongs to us and we don’t belong to anyone. I guess that’s what has helped me more. Jodorswki once said: so much the tree loves the leaf that it lets it fly on autumn. I guess we gotta trust life and ourselves and maybe our paths with our exes will cross one day.

    My best regards for you and It was liberating to read your story I hope my perspective might help a bit.

    January 9, 2014 at 8:33 am #48778
    Alison
    Participant

    Thanks so much for this. Manuel, your perspective helped a lot (and I love Jodorowski!) I realise that I just need to move on. Hard as it is, I need to just suck it up and keep going. I’ve reflected on my behaviour since we broke up, and I realise that I really did all I could to work things out. That brings me some comfort, knowing I tried my hardest.

    January 9, 2014 at 8:38 am #48779
    Alison
    Participant

    Thank you. I think I was fixating a little on the “grass is greener” idea. If I had stayed, I dont think things would have changed that significantly. He’s quite wrapped up in himself, that’s just who he is, and I think nagging would have made the situation worse because it’s something that’s beyond his control. I think in that situation you have to either accept or leave, and the role of “supportive girlfriend” wasn’t one I could accept so early in my life – I needed to have my own career and accomplishments. I still wish we were together, but it’s good knowing I made the best decision I could at the time.

    January 9, 2014 at 8:44 am #48780
    Alison
    Participant

    Thanks Shannon. I think you’re right – it’s best not to cling to an image of us being together, because I’m beginning to realise that’s getting less and less likely as a possibility. He doesn’t love me anymore, and I need to accept that. Your letter was a great source of comfort, it was very wisely written. Namaste.

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