Let Down..And Hanging Around…

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    Kenneth Francisco

    I feel like I dont want to live anymore..

    Im a 19 yr old Filipino-Canadian currently staying in my best friends house, i ran away from that hell-hole my family calls HOME.

    As of now im fighting my battle with depression and metal instabily, but it seems like its not working, my mothers gone because of her mental illness and my father is struggling to bring me back to Canada. There i stayed with my mothers side of the family for 5 years. After what had happened to my mom, they didnt seem to care about me nor talk to me. The only time they would ever speak to me is when my Dad would send money and when he did they just split it among themselves to buy the things they want and using it for my school, allowance and etc. Often i would just lock myself up in my room just laying on the floor for hours, just thinking and crying, i dont eat lunch nor dinner my family uses up the money for them and not for me, so when everybody would sleep at around midnight i would sneak down-stairs to eat what ever they left behind. This went on for years.

    I would go out often usually just to calm down, walk around places, bring my ipod and roam around the city just listening to music just to kill time and not stay in the house, i would do this for hours before coming back to the house and locking my self again in my room, listening to Radiohead and Coldplay till i sleep and repeat this
    Again tommorow.

    I took up MUSIC in the University of Baguio, it felt great because i was pursuing my dream to become a musician because of COLDPLAY they were a great source of inspration to me, and everyday i had a reason to be happy once i left the house because it led me a step-closer to accomplish my dreams. I topped the finals in my class and was recommended a violin spot in the orchestra in the school and i felt slowly the depression crept away. Sadly things took a turn, by enrollment week my Dad sended money for me as i also controbuted with my job, it was enough to support me for one whole year, but my family somehow managed to take it away from me during the day when i was finally ready to enroll and used it to buy stupid knick-knacks for them-selves…and i also lost my job the next day…

    I didnt know what to do after that…and Mr depression came back for good.. and i stopped going to school.

    Often i got into fights with my family over this and my built up anger took its toll on me, i went out frequently to drink and go to night-clubs everyday, got drunk often and slept at my friends house often as
    He was ok with it…from there i dont know what im doing, there were many times when i would try to commit suicide but could not, as i always thought that things will work out.. my moms gone, I lost my job, my dreams are shattered and i use sex and alcohol to escape my depression…i dont go to church anymore as i lost my faith in God..

    Any advice?



    Hello there!
    I’m just confused as to how your family is able to get the money that is meant for you? Are they depositing cheques? Do you have your own bank account? Is your dad sending money to them and requesting that it be used for you?


    Hi Ken,
    My advice would be to try to focus as much as possible on something you love – music. I know, you feel let down by not being able to enroll for now, but don’t give up on your dream. The more time and energy you spend on doing what you love, the less time you feel depressed. It gives you a sense of purpose and it energizes you. I know it’s easier said than done, but you can treat music as your lifeline – this one thing that keeps you afloat, that is stable, always there for you, and never betrays you. If one way doesn’t work out, find another, but do not give up. Also, notice, how different kinds of music make you feel. Music can be very powerful in evoking lots of emotions, choose the kind of music that makes you feel good or just a little better when you feel down.

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