Hi Amy,

I can understand completely how you feel. I have been there in the past myself. I know how aweful and shitty that feeling of panic is when you feel like you have lost an important connection…its like something has been taken from your actual self. You also feel devalued, and lost. First, I will say that you WILL GET PAST these feelings. They are not here to stay as long as you cope with them in a healthy way. I would suggest starting by aknowledging the possiblity that your sense of loss and the panic (that pushes you to keep contacting him) is not necessarily about the connection that you actually had with this man, but about an idea of how your life would be if he were in it. Very often when these relationships progress so quickly, its us trying to shape a reality that we think we need to be happy…our world changes, we feel wonderful…but just a month can’t be enough time to really build the kind of relationship that is truly intimate, life changing, and supports us on our path to be more authentically ourselves and better people. The experience of what is going on between you when things move this fast is less about what is shared and more about what each is looking for out of the experience for themselves. I think this is why when it falls apart we feel that sense of failure so much more palably and we internalize it, and it causes us to doubt our experience of everything…its very painful and uncomfortable, but it stems from perspectives not grounded in reality…so its important to try to fix those perspectives (not necessarily the relationship itself).

It is also important to allow yourself to feel shitty for a little while, if this is what is happening. Often trying to force out the feelings (even “agressive” meditation can be like drinking if you are trying to escape the feeling itself) will only make it worse. Let the feeling ride through you. Don’t try to do anything about them. Be kind to yourself whlile it is going on, the way you would if you were trying to recover from the flu or a broken leg. What you are feeling is natural and part of being human…it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.

Practice discipline in not contacting him (this is the hardest part). Each time you send a text, you are picking at that scab. Now, picked scabs can still heal eventually, but it takes longer. Each time you send a text, you set yourself up for the expectation that things can be fixed, that that month long relationship will go back to the way it was (and honestly it was going to have to change at some point…that intensity cannot last). When this doesn’t happen, you feel the disappointment that much more and you are setting yourself up for another bout of hurt. This is the thing: it is an unkind act that you are doing to yourself. Its not self care.

Which brings me to my next idea: focus on your body. Don’t pressure yourself to do the text book stuff everyone says you should do (yoga, healthy food, meditation, etc.) THis stuff is great and hopefully soon you will be doing as much of that as you like…but right now, when you feel shittiest, if you want to take a nap, do. If you want to take a shower, do. If you want cry, cry and cry. If you want to eat pork fried dumplings in bed while you watch the Parenthood, do it. Ask yourself, what can I do at this second to treat myself well…and do. (Just don’t spiral into bad habits). This might be a time where some guilty or even not so guilty pleasures might come in useful for a while.

Talk it out. When I was feeling my absolute worst during my most recent break up and had basically mass texted my ex with all my feelings only to meet disastrous results…I didn’t want to move and I felt absolutely horrible. I called my cousin (who is one of my best friends) and told him everything. The relief was immense. And sharing my feelings, having them heard, and then knowing that there are people who are looking out for my happiness, gave me the strength to stop seeing myself as a victim of a relationship, a pattern, a feeling or a guy, and think about what I can do for others if I am not so obsessed with one dead end street.

Which brings me to my final point. You are not a victim. You are not a victim of this guy’s behavior or feelings…of your own feelings…of the situation…of anything. You have shitty feelings, yes. Everyone does. Let them come, let them go. Don’t judge them. But this is your life, and the only one who can let them take over your life is you. Consider talking to a conselor even for a little while. This can really help you see how you form relationships, attach, and it can help you consider what you really need and want out of them. You will get through this and you will find a wonderful and happy love.