Letting go & healing

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    I just got out of an emotionally and at the end, physically abusive relationship. My boyfriend cheated, lied, was shady and unclear about his feelings and extremely selfish. I intuited a lot, but instead of leaving, acted out in childish ways, playing into the cycle, denying and rationalizing a lot, and becoming abusive myself in many ways. I was so determined to make it work with him, that I sacrificed a lot of my own needs and happiness. He is not an awful person — he has taken responsibility for his side and admits that he has a lot of issues to work through. We broke up but still love each other. Love is not everything. We needed respect and trust, which broke down altogether at the end. He is emailing me about twice a week, not asking for anything, but just saying that he is thinking of me and he is beginning to do some real soul work. (As am I.) I haven’t responded to any emails. Is it time to let go forever? Is it possible we can be honest with each other? Are these things people can overcome? Should I just let it go for now and work on myself?


    The “exit interview” as I call it can be very therapeutic. That one last conversation where you can sit down as adults and come to a consensus about the reasons things ended, own up to what each of your contributed, give appropriate forgiveness. Hug it out and then walk away….. However, continued communication with a very recent ex isnt always a good idea in my book. I say this because it keeps strings attached to them. Get your closure, get your forgiveness, forgive yourself can be some of the largest hurdles in moving past a relationship. The exit interview gives us a chance to do that. Then go be alone to reflect on the lessons we learned and to start towards a journey of change within ourselves.

    If you still have emotions for this person, the contact can stall your progress, as you even though yall are not physically connected anymore by presence. You are still at some part emotionally present in each others lives. It sounds like from what you have described, your emotions for this person clouded your ability to see things rationally and focus and stand up for your boundaries. If this is any area you have identified that needs work, how can you do so when the original fog that shielded your vision is still hanging on the meadow.

    I think if you still want this person present in your life in the future. Simply telling him something like:

    “Hey XXX I will always love and care about you, and will always appreciate what good times we had together. However this experience has shown me some things about myself I dont like. A part of my growth will require I go and focus on myself for awhile, not date, begin a journey and hope to come out the other side with a better handle and understanding of some things. However, I dont feel like I can achieve this and continue to have you as an active part of my life right now. Im not saying we will never hear from each other, or will not keep in touch one day. I need to get to a point where I can do those things and it wont have negative influence over my thinking and emotional well being anymore. When I figure out what it is that I need to, and learn and accept what it is I needed to learn, you will hear from me. Hopefully you will still feel some value in keeping in touch, and will reply. If not I will understand. I wanted to tell you all this to be honest and open. The silence, is not a reflection of anger or resentment I have towards you, please to not take it as such. I hope you understand and can be respectful of my needs at the moment. Thank you.”

    I see a lot of myself in some of the things you mentioned as far as what you were willing to put up with in the name of “love” I would like to share with you that what I discovered about myself post my most recent breakup. That what I was feeling wasnt really love, it was need it was fear. It was much more selfish and about myself than it was about him. Totally the opposite of what I thought I was giving/doing. It was the compulsory need, to be attached, I feared being alone. I was in no other words but, codependent to my ex. Sacrificing my healthy boundaries and needs, not to simply make the relationship “work,” but to fulfill something missing from deep within myself. Love isnt just letting yourself get used, abused and walked on. Certainly not love for yourself, and not love for another person. Love is about respect, and understanding, inside and out. You can not properly love someone if you arent standing up for your boundaries, you are not properly loving someone if you feel the need to change or rescue them. This is nothing I want for myself again, you have to ask yourself the same questions.

    My advice would be, yes let this go for now. You can be honest with each other, but say what you need to say then be done for awhile. These are certainly things people can overcome, however it takes some time. You absolutely should let it go for now, and definitely work on yourself. If he is truly working on himself, and at some level what you felt for each other was strong enough. You may get another chance, however you can try it a different way next time, and maybe it might have a chance at working out. If not oh well, because you are making yourself a better person to avoid the same mistakes and to be able to participate in a better healthier emotionally respectful relationship with someone else.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Chad.

    thanks chad.

    your words mean a lot.

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