Der Shini13:

You shared that you (woman, 29) are in a 2 year relationship with S (man, 26). Sometime after the start of the relationship he moved to his university campus for a final paper and soon after stopped messaging you. While he was gone you got together with your friends, mainly male friends. When he returned from his campus, he didn’t try to see you for a few days, and then messaged you that he wants to meet you. You agreed because you were “madly in love and unable to let go” of him. He then became possessive, accusing you of cheating on him with your male friends while he was away.

Because of his accusations, you “totally disconnected from everyone and it was only him and my family”. Next he got a job where he worked for 13 hours a day, 8am- 9pm, so he wasn’t available for you except when you had family birthday events and such, then he “would create an issue to be with me”-

1.  Can you explain to me what you mean by him creating an issue to be with you: did he not want you to go the birthday party, or did he want to go with you to the party?

Late last year he wanted to break up with you because of “some family issue”, and he blocked you. While blocked, you went to get a tattoo with a male friend, and when he found out about it, he called you, “bashed and insulted” you and your family terribly. When he did that, you “begged and stayed with him”, and the two of you remained in this troubled relationship.

2. Can you tell  me how he found out that you went to get a tattoo with a male friend of yours?

Last month, May 2020 he insulted you again and wanted to break up with. “Till today he’s dragging the issue.. He threatens me insults and etc.”-

3. What are his threats and what are his insults? What is the “etc.”: what else is he doing to you?

“I feel so terrible and he knows exactly how to make me feel terrible. I duno what I should do. I have lost myself”- I hope you find yourself very soon, that you will feel better and better and that you will end this troubled and abusive relationship as soon as possible.

I hope to read your answers to my questions, and will reply to you further.

anita

Dear Shini:

You are welcome, and I hope your life gets better very soon.

“Before I got into a relationship with S, I was in an abusive relationship and I managed to get out of it”. You got out of one abusive relationship and into another abusive relationship, one you didn’t manage to get out of yet.

At times S showed little to no interest in you, such as when he moved back to his university campus to do  his final paper, and a few days after he returned from campus, and when he was busy at his new job, working 8am- 9pm. Overall, he often pays you little attention unless he believes that you are spending time with someone else.

When he found out that you wanted to attend a family birthday party, he created “a havoc or fight so that I will not go for the party.. sending me messages & threaten me he will go out with others”.

One day you were out to get a tattoo, being accompanies by a male friend. S happened to call you at that time, wanting documents that he left in your car. You told him that you couldn’t give him his documents right away because you were out. He got very upset that you were out, and he “kept calling me multiple times.. started harassing me over the phone”.

When you finally met him to give him his documents, the moment you went over to him, he became very violent and punched you (“The moment I went over, he became very violent & punched me”).

After or as he was very violent with you, he kept asking you for the details on the tattoo outing and with whom you went to get the tattoo (“.. he became very violent & punched me asking me the details on the tattoo & with whom I went to get it”).

Afraid, you told him that you went to the tattoo studio alone. He didn’t believe you and “he called the tattoo studio & got the information” that you were there with a male friend. When he found out this information, it “was a huge havoc”.

Otherwise, he is in the habit of threatening you that he will “sleep around with others.. ruining the relationship & sex related”, “approaching different girls & sending me their conversations”, “comparing me with his ex gf & saying that she lived for him”. He insulted you about your age, looks and appearance (“he calls me an old f***), your education level, and abuses you “with foul words”.

You reacted to his jealousy and abuse by becoming “totally disconnected from everyone and it was only him and my family”. You wrote that even though he doesn’t spend much time with you, he gets upset if he thinks you are spending time with someone else, be it family or friends. “I am not allowed to go out anywhere, if he gets to  know I have to go through hell”.

Recently, you were “depressed being locked in the house & finally went to meet my friends.. He started the same thing kept calling me & accusing me of b**** with someone”. You told him you weren’t doing anything wrong, but he came over and “got extremely agitated as he saw my friends who were connected to my past & started insulting me in front of them by uttering inappropriate things”. Later, “he does everything says sorry & expect me to be normal”.

You wrote: “I don’t understand why I am being so scared & obliged to him, I’m not sure if I am also having problem with myself (mentally & emotionally”-

– My input: it is clear that you are in an abusive relationship and that S has been abusing you emotionally and physically. It is clear that you need to get yourself out of this relationship as soon as possible.

Seems to me that the reason you are still in this abusive relationship is that you believe that you carry some responsibility for his abuse of you, this belief is expressed in what you wrote here: “I understand I am also a reason… I clearly understand I have a part on things turning bad in the relationship… I tried my best to make things work & be a good gf but I failed & I feel like a trash”-

– can you tell me in what ways you believe that you are “a reason” for his abuse of you, and what you believe to be your “part on things turning bad in the relationship”?

anita

Dear Shini:

For you to leave this abusive relationship you will have to understand that in the context of this adult relationship between you and this man, you carry ZERO responsibility for his abuse of you, and he carries 100% responsibility for his abuse of you.

“I went out with a guy who likes me triggered him”- I am sure S was triggered by something right before he abused you every single time that he abused you: abusive people abuse others (calling names, insulting, threatening, punching, etc.) because they get triggered, not because they are calm and peaceful. The abuse is their way to calm down from their triggered distress, to get  it out by .. taking it out on someone.

What triggers S is not what you do or not do, what triggers him is what someone else did to him long ago. He projects experiences he had way before he ever met you- into you.

To explain this point, I will suggest a possibility for what triggers him: let’s say S has a brother, and when S was a child, his mother favored his brother over him all through his childhood. For his mother, S was lazy but his brother was hard working; S was stupid, but his brother was a genius, etc. Fast forward, he gets triggered every time you spend time with another person, because he projects his mother into you, and his favored brother into the person you spend time with, getting jealous and upset all over again, just as he felt as a child.

In this example, you can see that you are not responsible for him getting triggered, it is his mother that was responsible for expressing how she favored his brother over him. Her behavior caused an emotional injury in S that keeps getting activated in the context of his relationship with you.

You can’t fix his childhood experience- you didn’t cause it and it is not within your power to fix it. The abused is never in a position of power or authority over the abuser. This is why you can’t help him. Because it is his habit by now to abuse you, he is not likely to change his behavior.

“I tried to make things work. I gave him full access to everything & deleted my social accounts as well as allowed him to block all my guy friends. I did all I could to make him trust. None of it was sufficient”- you can’t fix his childhood emotional injury. Someone injured him when he was a child and it is not in your power to heal his injury. In the possibility I brought up, he needed his  mother to treat him equally to his brother. You can’t go back in time, become his mother, and treat him equally.

Does my input make sense to you so far? Take your time to think about it, and please let me know your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote to you here.

anita

Dear Shini:

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate you telling me these things.

“I feel really bad for him.. I’m so scared to hurt him or even to move on”- you feel empathy for him. The abused feeling empathy for the abuser is (unfortunately for the abused) common, and it is a recipe for disaster.

Imagine this scenario in the wild: a mountain lion slowly and stealthily approaches a deer, aiming to kill and eat the deer. The deer notices the mountain lion and feels some fear, and maybe some anger, but most of all, she feels empathy for the mountain lion. The deer is thinking something like: oh, poor mountain lion, if I run away, what will he eat? He will be hungry and it will be my fault!

Plus, I am used to this place. I know where to find food and where I like to sleep. If I run away, will I find any food, will I have a good place to sleep, will there be ten mountain lions there..  might as well stay here.

What happens to prey (the deer) who feels so much empathy for the predator (the mountain lion)?

anita

Dear Shini:

You are welcome.

* “What do you suggest for me to do that I will be able to get out of this fully”?

First, I need to know what it means for you to “get out of this fully”. For example, if you lived with him, getting out of the relationship fully will include you, or him, moving out of an apartment or house where you currently live together. You didn’t mention living together or having children, but I will ask these things anyway, if the answer is Yes to any of the following questions, let me know: Do the two of you live together in the same apartment or house? Live in the same apartment building as neighbors? Live in the same neighborhood and therefore bump into each other at times? Co-parenting any children? Own property (real estate, car, etc.) together? Work in the same place or for the same employer? Own a bank account together? Does he have any access to your money or you to his? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Is he financially dependent on you in any way? Does he have any kind of relationship with anyone in your family or with any of this friends? Do you have any kind of relationship with anyone in his family or with any of his friends? Is there anything else that practically ties you to him?

* “my friends suggested of ignoring him and all but that in fact made him more aggressive. I’m really.. scared”-

I need to know what specifically you are scared of, what specific dangers he presents to you. If you leave him, what are you afraid that he will do? If you are afraid that he will say words to you, are his words a danger to you? Is it possible for you to not receive his words (block him on social media and on your phone, etc.)?

Are you afraid that he will harm you physically and what is the history of him physically attacking you and/ or threatening to attack you physically?

anita

Dear Shini:

It’s a good thing that practically there is nothing tying you to him. It means that you don’t have to make certain arrangements before you are able to have no contact with him.

Even though there are no practical difficulties and no real- life danger to you ending all contact with him (his words will not harm you physically), you do experience significant emotional difficulties in ending all contact with him.

“The moment he threatens me that he will go and look for someone else to replace me I can’t take it and I feel very terrible. I practically go crazy and very emotionally down”-

– soon after the beginning of knowing S, the two of you got close (“We got close”). Soon after he left to his campus and was distant (“not even a message.. avoided me”), and you adjusted well to him becoming distant (“I tried to move  on by meeting friends”), but then he was back  (“suddenly pops up out of nowhere to meet”), then “extremely close”, then way too close (“He became possessive”). Then nicely close during a vacation together (“he was the best version”), then he is distant again (“then suddenly he said he’s having some family issue.. wanted to break up.. blocked me”), then early May he “wanted to break up.. but he doesn’t wanna let me go now”.

His comings and goings created in you a separation anxiety where he is your attachment figure and you get very anxious every time he threatens to separate from you.

healthline. com, on “separation anxiety in adults”, reads: “Adults separation anxiety can have an onset in childhood or adulthood. Similar to other anxiety disorders, adult separation anxiety can affect your quality of life, but the condition can be managed with treatment”.

In other words, you are afraid to not be with him, afraid that he will leave you for good. Do you believe it to be true?

anita