Dear Danielle:
It seems to me that for as long he was afraid of loving you, for as long as he took you on the rollercoaster ride you were relatively safe- safe from the relationship being the committed type. Once his fear has settled, you are in danger. So you focus on the past now because you are afraid. Afraid of what a loving, committed, official relationship means or may mean to you: rejection? betrayal? self denial? I don’t know. If you agree that indeed you are now the scared one, what is it that is scaring you? Looking at your past, as far back as childhood… what scares you about this attachment you have with your bf?

Am I correct when I state the following: Part of you will continue to try to push him away. That part of you was relatively comfortable when he was (on and) off again. Now that part is trying to push him away and it will succeed unless the bigger part of you continues to heal. This relationship with this guy may be your best opportunity to heal. These kinds of attachment wounds can only be healed in the context of a healthy, safe attachment, as you have with this bf…? Be open and vulenrable to him, let him help you as you have helped him, and continue to help him. Treasure this relationship as it is your opportunity to love and be loved in return…?
anita

Dear Danielle:
My response from my experience: regarding not hurting him in the process: practice the necessary self control required to not be abusive. In sharing with him, talking with him, share anything that is real for you. For example: I am afraid that… I feel angry about…. Honor your feelings by being visible, by sharing them with him…only not in an ACCUSATORY way and not irresponsibly (as in: here is what i feel, it is your fault, you fix it for me!)

Your responsibility is to manage your emotions… asking his help, turning toward him for help is good, but you are the one responsible. You are not responsible for how he will take this or that feeling… how it will affect him. Your responsiblity to him is about not being abusive ot him.

Regarding what you are scared about- I don’t know what it is specifically to you- I believe it has nothing to do with HIS past and nothing to do with what you have been thinking about (the past with him). Think further back. What is there, before… ???
anita

Hi Danielle,

The important thing to remember in a relationship is that you both are dealing with fears and doubts. Everything he says and does is only a reflection of HIS own fears. But then, you might misunderstand what he says (or he may misunderstand you) due to your own fears and doubts.

Remember that his words and actions are NEVER about you–they are NEVER more than a broadcast of his fear. One thing that might really help is asking open ended questions. Ask him WHY he says and does something, using his exact words. This will lead him to think about his reasons for doing and saying what he does, and it will also help keep you from making assumptions.

And look at your relationship with yourself. What is it that he is “providing” for you? Why are you unable to provide that for yourself? The journey toward understanding others always begins by looking within.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Hi Danielle

As a man who has gone through some challenging relationship issues in the past, your story sounds quite familiar. I can certainly relate to your tale from the other side, and I completely agree with Anita’s perceptive and sensible advice.

I can think of several times where I cared about someone so much, I felt I wasn’t worthy of her, and so tried to protect her (and me) by keeping my distance. I had the best of intentions. But, looking back, the effect was to hurt her, and any prospect of a relationship, by appearing cold and distant whilst she tried to be warm and loving. I was stupid, and it was my loss.

So I can fully believe that your partner may have seemed distant for a long time, particularly if he has had bad experiences. But the fact is, you both stuck it out. That in itself shows that there must be enough strength in the relationship, on both sides, for you to have made it through that phase.

That said, going through that time has left you with some concerns, which you have identified as a difficulty in letting go of the past. In other words, your past experience is affecting your present feelings. That is a completely natural and human reaction. It is a basic reaction that enabled human beings to survive. And in fact, it is the same reaction that your partner was going through earlier – his experience of his past affected his present feelings.

How do you fix it? Well, in the same way that it seems he did.

For whatever reason, he associated being in love with getting hurt. But each day with you started to re-program that association. Here was somebody he loved who didn’t hurt him. Someone who supported him. Someone who loved him back. Someone who would allow him to be himself. So after a time he associated being in love with being supported, being himself, being happy. So he asked you to be his girlfriend. Because those old associations aren’t there for him any more. He has beaten that phobia.

The problem is that now, quite understandably, you are the one who associates loving someone with the way that he was behaving towards you before you got together. (Love’s complicated, isn’t it!) Add that to any past experiences that you already had and, well, there is work to be done!

So now, you must both work to re-program those associations. For you, that means two things. First, you must forgive yourself for the feelings that you have – they are natural and sensible, and are there to stop you becoming involved in bad or harmful relationships. Secondly, it means focusing on the present. In other words, every day ask yourself, has he acted in the way that you fear today? The more times you draw a blank with that question (and from what you say, that seems to be the case), the easier it will be to move on.
Similarly for him, he needs to know and understand how you feel and why you feel it. The best way is to relate it to how he felt, because he knows what that was like, and also that the feeling passes in time.

You clearly want the relationship to work, because you have asked for advice on how to move it forward. He obviously wants the relationship to work, because he went through a complete U-turn to be there, and knows exactly what he is getting into. So it is worth investing the time and effort into a future that looks bright for you both.

Good luck to you both!

Dear Danielle:
I second everything in Axuda’s amazingly clear, well written post. And I am so pleased you opened up to your bf and that his response was so positive. Keep the open, honest communication and you will both continue to grow as individuals while the relationship itself will strengthen and become more and more. It will be a win-win situation for both of you. Best wishes to you!
anita