Letting go of what others think of you

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    I can’t figure out why i let my ex-husband affect my emotions. I let him get to me so much that I start shaking and feeling anxious.. is it just because he acts like such a bully to me and has threatened to take my kids away from me, even though I try so hard to be a good mom. My daughter told me tonight over the phone that he said i was stupid for putting the wrong bandage on her skinned up knee,…and i let that bother me. How do I stop emotionally reacting to his actions/reactions to me? I need some phrases or something to say to myself because this is ridiculous, I cant stand the man.

    Donna Lethal

    Wow. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. I think that’s terrible.

    I know exactly how you feel. We all do. We’ve all dealt with that sick or angry feeling that comes with being insulted or misjudged or wronged when you’re unable to make the other person see reason. You want to yell, “I AM GOOD! I AM RIGHT! I AM NOT STUPID!!” but you either don’t have the voice or the capability.

    The best defense I’ve developed for this is to truly open your eyes and your mind and know this for yourself — this man is unhappy. Only miserable, mean-hearted people feel the need to insult and belittle others to try to make themselves better or more powerful. I know… I’ve been one of these mean, insulting people before.

    YOU knowing that this is true HAS to be enough for you. And when you really believe it, and repeat that to yourself when you’re bullied or insulted, I think you’ll find a big difference in your feelings. Be calm, repeat the mantra, “I am a person. He is not being a good person, because he’s unhappy.” Be strong in yourself. Your opinion is the one that matters.


    Hello Heather,

    That is just such a great question – how do you stop reacting to his actions? Having been on the receiving end of abusive behavior, I sought the answer on a spiritual journey inside myself. When you start focusing on yourself, your own behavior, you realise that the only person you can change is you. I have discovered that most people come from fear not love and in coming from love, for yourself and for your ex-husband you change the way you feel. Forgiveness and perceiving other people’s words and behaviors differently, allows you to feel differently, to feel good. When I let go of the anger and offered forgiveness from a loving place inside myself, no-one else’s words or behaviors had the power to affect the way I felt.

    Love and peace,



    Thanks Marilyn and Donna.. Your suggestions are helpful and I have been trying the same sort of self-talk. It’s just hard to believe in yourself when you carry around such self-doubt :/ (mostly because I am unable to forgive myself for past mistakes, feel like a failure for being divorced, and still harbor feelings of inadequacy from my mother and family) 🙁 ugh

    Thanks for the support- i need all i can get as I dont really have a personal support system.


    • This reply was modified 11 years ago by Heather.

    You do the best you can do in life, especially when it comes to your daughter, I’m sure. That is all you have to tell yourself. “I did the best of my ability, and that’s all that matters. If he (or she, or them, or whomever) doesn’t approve, or think I did good enough, I’m not going to let it bother me.” Say it out loud. Write letters to the person that upset you and get all your anger and frustration out that way (don’t mail them, of course lol). Hopefully, that will also be able to help you from arguing with the person, because you will have gotten your negative feelings on paper.

    I hope this helps. They have helped me in the past. Best of luck to you. And just remember–every single person on this planet knows how it feels to be put down by another person. The hard part is choosing to not let it bother you.

    samir saha

    Your fear is making you weak Heather. When you get scared from a dog and starts running he chases you but as soon as you stop running dog stops too. Every one get scared some or the other time but the trick is not to show it. Once the a person realize that you are tougher than him he is never going to bother you again.You don’t have to fight back or something all you have to do is to stare direct in to his eyes and make him feel that you are not scared anymore.
    Watch the movie ” The karate Kid” , there is a scene in the last fight of the movie where this kid directly stares in to the eye of his opponent without any emotion of fear or anger visible..Check that out that might make my point clear..

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