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Life at a standstill, cant move on

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  • #66642
    lexy99
    Participant

    I dont know if this is in the right place, sorry if its not

    Im feeling so lost lately, my life is a mess.

    I don’t even feel like i can actually do life. Im just not going to be someone who has everything together and can manage alone, I cant manage. I panic at the thought of doing grown up things like relying solely on myself to pay the rent/bills. I live at home still (at 24) and although I do pay rent and help out there isn’t the pressure of late fees and angry landlords etc.

    Im in a job Im not enjoying at the moment so I am working on moving into an area I think I would enjoy. Or trying to. Most of these opportunities would mean moving away from home though – something I want but at the same, don’t think I can do.

    I don’t think I could stand not seeing my family everyday and only coming home only at weekends. Sometimes I think I would be ok but if the new job turns out anything like the one ive got at the moment, or something goes wrong and I end up in a similar situation hating it all, I really wouldn’t be able to cope alone. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to cope in the situation Im in now and I’m pretty depressed now. I don’t have a boyfriend or many friends around my area now so they are everything to me and of course I wouldn’t know anyone if i moved away.

    I feel like ive lost all spark and excitement for life. I can remember going off to uni and being genuinely excited to move away. Apart from a small case of homesickness, I loved it. I enjoyed my old job as well and didn’t mind going into work and would have been happy to leave home if I earned enough. Now I cant imagine a time when I’ll ever feel that happy about life again. I guess thats why I want to stay close to the comfort of home. Its the only thing Ive got right now

    I stayed at my coffee shop job for a few years after uni and left to get some different office type skills. Now im in this corporate type job that I hate and really want to get out of. I just feel stifled and trapped at every turn (9-5 isnt working for me) and there’s pressure in the job to develop and expand your career within the company that i don’t know how to deal with since I don’t want to stay a minute longer, but of course I cant say that. Its also so de-motivating not hearing back from job applications etc (As im typing this I checked my emails and got a rejection – I have no idea what Im doing wrong)

    I don’t really know what Im asking for here cos I do have half a plan, just some support since my family are sick of my whining about work. All I do at work is look at tinybuddha articles and Ive also read up on Brendon Burchard, Marc and Angel and whereislife.com. All great resources but it doesn’t seem to mean anything without anything else to do apart from apply to jobs that I don’t hear back from.

    As you also might have guessed I have a horrible habit of overthinking everything and because of my mood at the moment, everything is negative.

    I just don’t know what to do and how to move on, how to get a new job, how to get my life back on track. I just want to feel excited about life again

    #66655
    Laurie
    Participant

    hi lexy99, you are definitely not alone in feeling stuck and not knowing what to do to be happier again or how to move forward. I am no one to be giving advice, I’m in the same boat, but I’m going out on a limb here and guessing you enjoyed your coffee shop job more than your office job? Although, it’s not as prestigious, I bet it was more fulfilling for you and that’s why you stayed there longer.
    I have had office jobs and also retail/store jobs. I enjoyed the retail jobs much more even though they don’t pay as much and some people look down on you. Who cares. It’s the interaction with people, the positive energy and serving them that makes it fulfilling. In my experience, the people that work in offices are miserable and mean and I found myself avoiding contact with them which was opposite of what I needed. That’s just how it was for me.
    As far as being attached to your family, there’s nothing wrong with you. There is something pulling you to stay nearby. It may not make sense to you, but there is a reason you feel that way, so pay attention to that.
    Lastly, don’t worry about feeling down or feeling off track. Good things are coming your way. This is just the discomfort that comes before things change for the better. They will. Just hang in there. I have lots more I could say, but I’ve already rambled on long enough. You sound a lot like me and I relate to every word. You are not alone my dear. Take good care and I’m up for a chat whether via email or my page if you like. Best wishes to you, Laurie <3

    #66659
    Margit
    Participant

    Not sure if this will help you, but I definitely relate to your story and want to share mine and give some advice.

    My quick story: I was incredibly depressed at 24. Nothing was right – job, friends, family, future – nothing. I read a bzillion self help books about motivation and achievement and when I couldn’t make any of it work I felt worse as a result. At my job, we had to write self-reviews and I poured all of my pain into criticizing myself for being so terrible at my easy entry level position. My [perfect] boss, 35, saw right through it. She took me out for coffee and told me plainly “I would not repeat my early 20s for anything.”

    Having someone who seemed to have it all together acknowledge that YES, this period in your life sucks, made me feel less alone. I wasn’t the only one going through it. You are not the only one going through it. For lack of a better word, your suffering is “normal.” You’re not alone in this.

    Sometimes life simply blows and nothing is right. You’re in the middle of a hard time. It’s hard to start your adult life. You’re suffering but it doesn’t mean you’re bad or weak or cowardly. There isn’t anything wrong with you. You’re experiencing a difficult period in your life. Life is raining on you and you’re wet. It happens. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. But you’re not wet because there’s something wrong with you – you’re wet because it’s raining.

    Also, you feel like your life is at a standstill, but life is always moving even when it feels like it isn’t. Time happens. Change happens. Right now you’re in a slow period. Keep striving to get somewhere, but don’t beat yourself up for not being there yet. Acknowledging where you are – in a hard place – doesn’t mean you’ve given up. You’re allowed to take a deep breath and live in between those crushing job rejections. It can take a while to get the right job and figure out what you want to do, but something will eventually happen. You won’t be here forever. Life is always moving.

    I’m rambling now, but here’s what’s helped me:

    • Know that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one going through this.
    • Know your life is moving even if you feel stuck. Life moves without you having to do anything, so when you can’t do something (like when a job rejection is out of your control), sit back for a few minutes and allow yourself to be swept along.
    • Suffering happens. Allow yourself to feel the pain and know it isn’t you, it’s life. Don’t tell yourself it doesn’t hurt when it really does. Lean into it and acknowledge the suffering.
    • Don’t overthink your suffering. You could blame yourself for not bringing an umbrella when it rains, but how useful is that? You didn’t know it would rain and even if you did, it finds a way of blowing sideways and drenching you anyway. Don’t blame yourself. Stop thinking about the umbrella. It won’t do anything except stress you out.
    • Love yourself. When lost in overthinking, talk to yourself with the love and compassion you’d give a scared kid. You’d never tell a child half the crap you tell yourself now. Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance” has a lot to say about this and was my gateway into appreciating myself.
    • Curb overthinking by learning to meditate. It’s amazing. You’ll learn so much about yourself and life by taking a break from your thoughts once and a while.

    In case you’re curious, I’m 30 I’ve achieved a lot and am more put together than I was at 24, but it’s still not perfect. I still suffer, and still feel so alone sometimes..but that happens and it sucks but that’s life. But I find that whenever I can stop beating myself up and just live, I can do more with my life because I’m less stuck in a muddy psychic funk. The difference is night and day. Maybe that would work for you too? It takes work and time but it’s worth it. Check out “Radical Acceptance” and similar books/articles, try meditation (Insight Timer App is an easy way to start), maybe see a therapist if you can (I did and it was the best gift I ever gave myself) and keep seeking out connections with outer people. It’ll be OK.

    Take care and message me if you want!

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Joshua Denney.
    #66869
    lexy99
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you so much for your replies, they really mean alot. It is nice to know that Im not the only one who is or has gone through this but its hard not to feel alone.

    And thank you for your confirmations that staying at home is what my heart is pulling me towards. I never thought about it like that, Ive always been pulling away from that thinking that just because Im 24 I should be moving soon but thinking about it I really am being pulled more towards staying at home and thats fine. I really cant think of anywhere else I would rather be.

    In terms of career, I have no idea what to do or how to get there.Some days I can be absolutely fine but I’ll go on a walk at lunch and just start crying. Ive been thinking about maybe joining some anxiety or meditation support groups to try and help me through as I do suffer from trichotillomania (hair pulling) as well and have done for about 10 years. I just dont know what to do

    There are various ideas Ive been playing around with including certain job types and temping

    #66877
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Lexy,

    Life can be very bad sometimes and seem especially worse when you feel you are trying your hardest to make things better for yourself but to no avail.

    If you really liked your old job and got on with everyone is there any chance of returning?

    #66905
    lexy99
    Participant

    Hi Jonathan, thanks for replying. Im sure theyd have me back if there was room and I might consider that job again in the future if i needed to but it was never a ‘career’ job for me, i wanted to get out for ages and i think going back would be a step backwards. And I’d be looking to change jobs again anyway. Right now I’d like to find a job I feel settled in

    #70945
    lexy99
    Participant

    Hi everyone, thought I would reply to this thread instead of starting a new one.

    So i got myself a new job and its in an area Id like to progress in and is more suited to me so thats good. I definitely dont feel sad about leaving my insurance job.

    Today is the end of my first week and Im happy to be here but still weepy and randomly crying – on the way to work today and at lunch. I dont know what it is. Maybe just new job jitters and stress getting on top of me. Im happy with the work I have to do but there are alot of new people to meet and as its a student union everyone is quite outgoing and as an introverted person it takes me a while to open up to new people and fully join in. I sat on my own at lunch today so get some ‘me-time’ in which I need quite alot of but at the same time felt isolated and alone as I dont know anyone to sit with if i wanted to.

    The other thing im scared/worried about is the future. This job is term time only and while it pays well per hour, I will need another job in the summer. This worries me in case I cant find one. Im living at home so having money to pay rent isnt a problem – my parents know my situation and are supportive but i dont want to take advantage and i dont want to end up having nothing to do for around 3 months. I suppose if that happens I could go travelling.

    I suppose the main thing is that Im struggling to cope with change. I left a job this time last year that id been doing for 7 years so I was very settled. Now for the first time ever I have no idea where I am or what the future holds. And thats terrifying

    #71312
    Jim
    Participant

    Hi Lexy. I was in your boat many years ago so I know what you are feeling. I had always had low self confidence/self esteem and when I graduated from college, I wasn’t ready for the adult world and all the responsibilities that come with it. I had a lot of fear and anxiety. My parents said I could move back home and my dad said I could work for him. As tempting as this was, I knew this wasn’t a long term solution. I made a decision on the spur of the moment to join the military and it was the best decision I ever made. I developed self confidence, a direction in life, and I found out that I could stand on my own two feet. I’m not saying this is the answer for you, but sometimes it takes getting away from our parents in order to grow. The uncertainty of the future can be terrifying but developing independence and self confidence helps us cope with change and uncertainty. I hope things get better and best of luck.

    #71448
    D.E. Hardesty
    Participant

    Lexy, you are not alone.

    I was once 24, and your experience is very familiar. The early twenties are difficult. However, they pass. I will offer one piece of advice, which I think is the best advice there is. In any case, it worked for me. Learn to be happy, all by yourself. Learn to be happy regardless of the kind of job that you have, regardless of whether you are in a relationship, and regardless of whether it might look like your life sucks. This is what I learned. It takes time, but it is doable. You just need to learn that you have the power to be happy, and that power is already inside of you. Once you know this, really know this, your life changes. Remember, learn to be happy first, without anything changing in your life. As crazy as this may sound, this is what works best. Happy people have better relationships and they are generally more successful than other people. Happy people find life more meaningful. The best way to learn to be happy is to learn meditation (real meditation, not brooding and not rumination). Learn it and practice it regularly. Learn to find the real happiness that is your true nature, and then let your life expand outward from there.

    Good luck.

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