Life in a tailspin, confused, double minded enabler needs advise

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    My personal life is a so screwed up! I have really been trying to figure out how to get my personal life in order, when I am not conveniently in mental avoidance mode. I feel like if I can figure me out and why I make the decisions I do (or not do) maybe I can get things together. I seem to let people influence me so easily and I am constantly in conflict on the right thing to do and how to get control of my life. I need to do what needs done to take control of my life and my relationships. I believe that my biggest problem is I feel like I always need to give people what they want. I have a hard time saying no regardless of how I feel. I feel guilty if I don’t give in to make people happy. I feel responsible for people close to me and I own there hopelessness. I try to save everybody until I get disrespected so much ( my daughter keyed my car and fairly often screams at me with profanity laced tirades, but I digress) or abused so much I get mad and avoid them until I feel guilty enough to step into it again. I get resentful because I enable them, but I do it anyway. At times I seem to allow people to mistreat me still believing it is my job to save them, or their problems are somehow my fault. For example my wife of 23 years (divorced 5 years now) became an alcoholic while we were married. I sent her to treatment twice even though she committed adultery numerous times and she has blamed me for her situation saying I caused it and saying that I caused the collateral damage of our children and their problems with drugs. Her justification was because I was a workaholic and I wasn’t there for her. I try to dismiss her reality which is always fact whether it is or not. But i have doubts if she is indeed a narcissist that needs justification for her actions or am I the cause of the problems. Because I feel guilty I continue to allow her to influence me, take advantage of me and verbally abuse me with guilt over our current circumstances I have let her move back in to my home after she lost her job over a year ago in Florida where she was for nearly three years after treatment. She still is here and I give her money and also paid for a recent DUI lawyer yet she still abuses me and i allow it to continue. Now I am also in a relationship with a women for nearly 5 years who wants me to marry her and get my ex out of my life (obviously). I met her soon after my 20+ year marriage ended. She has a history of mental illness that she takes several medications for which worries me. She has worked hard to overcome her mental illness but am in the relationship for her or for me? She has nothing if I leave her and I don’t have the guts to leave her because she says she has no reason to live if I am not in her life. How can I end a relationship or really be in a relationship honestly when I am emotionally hostage? She is a kind and loving person and she probably knows me better than my wife of 23 years ever did. I love her in a caretaker way but I do not think I am really in love with her . I am so conflicted, I have concern she does not work, I have to support her. I have come to realize that i am an enabler and coupled with my caretaker mentality I can’t seem to get me together.


    Definitely take a step back. In fact, inform all those close to you that you need time to think, and breathe. Do not feel guilt in temporarily leaving them. Your life is just as important as theirs and if you wish to help those around you out of love then you must first take care of yourself.

    Here is a link to one of my favorite sites: If you scroll down and hover your pointer near the bottom a link to ‘See All Posts’ will appear. Do not neglect anything on that site that may help you. As the title implies, it is a site that will help you find your inner peace. It should provide much needed comfort but only if you practice them.

    As I’ve stated in other posts, never look for instant results. This is mistake #1 that many people make. Helping those around you will take time. Your behavior/actions/responses towards are your main factors. Having identified and accepted a destructive nature, however, is a great start. If you wish to make conscientious decisions then you must overcome your ‘enabler’ mentality. Never fear saying no. Also, practice saying it. And when you do, stand your ground. When confronted, ask yourself if saying no will critically harm that person’s life. This should help.

    Lastly, I highly suggest learning about Karma. Beyond what is portrayed in mainstream media is a much more detailed and involved account. Do keep in mind that Karma is a constant practice but one who’s worth extends its training.

    So please, do give yourself some time. Your own ‘want’ of wanting a better life will give you the strength needed to get through this. Recall it each time you falter and you’ll come out okay. Best of luck to you.


    Read “Co-Dependence No More” best read you’ll ever have.
    Go to Co-Dependent groups. They’re everywhere.
    You have to take back you life, but it’s a slow process.
    But you can do it.
    Do not demand or ask anything of her.
    If you’re a workaholic, great for now, stick with work while you work this out.
    If she causes any “legal” trouble let her go through the authorities.
    Also be careful “legally” what “common law marriage” is in your town.
    Here it’s 3 months. Then either of you can sue each other for 1/2 of everything.
    And I mean EVERYTHING!


    Bonne chance

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