In regard to this one stream-of-consciousness journaling, I am asking for no replies. Also, trigger Warning.

S.H.A.M.E and G.U.I.T- two very, very difficult experiences. As I typed this sentence, just now, the thought “Death is preferable” occurred.

I remember thinking- I was either a teenager or in my very early 20s- “if I could have one day in my life where I don’t feel Guilty, my life would be worth living”-

It just occurred to me: the title of this thread is Life “Worth Living”.

G.U.I.L.T was so very, very heavy.

My mother (MFH) used to lay it heavy on me: hours of histrionic displays of how much (she claimed) I had hurt her, how I intended (she claimed) to hurt her.. showing me where, on her wrists, she would cut with a razor blade so to put an end to the suffering (she claimed) I caused her.. because I was (.. she claimed) evil.

After each such histrionic display, she would calm down.. until the next time she found it necessary to.. once again, and again, and again… and again, let me know (just in case I managed to forget..) that indeed, I was the cause of her suffering.

I didn’t deserve that guilt.

But later in life, I have done wrong to others.. But already so immersed in guilt, I couldn’t tell the difference between valid, o justified guilt and the other kind- the kind that my mother imposed on me.

And S.H.A.M.E took hold- the feeling that I am a freak, an inexcusable creature of wrongness.. one taking space but shouldn’t. Being some kind of inexcusable otherness.. not worthy of togetherness.

To please my mother meant to erase myself. To erase that B.A.D.

These complex experiences of G.U.I.L.T and S.H.A.M.E dominated my life.. a life that felt like.. not “Worth Living”.

To re-enter The Garden of Eden (referring to my recent post to Peter)- Guilt and Shame cannot be left behind. They are parts of me.

But these parts- instead of continuing to weigh me down- are parts that I can carry with courage, like a hero.

I want my life to no longer be about self-erasure, the bely-up reaction to aggression, or potential aggression. I want C.O.U.R.A.G.E to be the theme of my life, a courage that will make the re-entry into Eden possible.

I have done wrong to people.. some of my guilt is valid. I have done wrong. And it’d be very difficult to no longer do no-wrong to anyone.. ever.

But my focus can shift from F.E.A.R of being bad to C.O.U.R.A.G.E- the confidence that.. as faulty and damaged as I have been, I can be something else now, something different- a person I am no longer ashamed of.. a person I am proud of (not in the biblical sinful kind of pride).

From my best efforts to erase myself, to people-please to => living a life “Worth Living”- one where I AM- not something to hide, but something to BE, to EXPRESS.

And in all that, to focus on the Sacred: love, compassion.

Anita