I’m in a terrible state of mind right now. I have been reading your blog for a very long time now, looking for answers which I can’t find on my own. I’m too stressed, almost on the verge of killing myself, I’m serious. I have been through enough troubles in life but I have never backed down, but this time I think I’ve just lost myself.

I met this guy in high school and we became friends and fell in love. But by the time he realized he loved me, he was dating someone else. But then he came back to me, we dated for a while and then one day suddenly he went back to his ex without giving me any reason. They were in a relationship for 8 years. In these 8 years, he secretly met me, called me n just kept blabbering about himself and just laughed at my problems.

He went through a lot he lost his family and was left alone. I was always there for him till the time he decided to move on, but we never talked about his loss. I told him I was going to get married hoping that he would stop me and tell me that he loved me, instead he just laughed. Things didn’t go well and I got divorced around the same time his girlfriend of 8 years dumped him to marry another guy.

We got back together and then he told me that he was always in love with me, and that he used to call me just to hear my voice and never said a word. He told me that he never loved his girlfriend, but they did have a physical thing thrice as per him. They didn’t go as far as sex but they got intimate.

Now we are together and I feel so angry n upset that he chose her over me, then he stayed with her for so long when he never loved her and then they got physical and now he wants me to accept all of it and forgive him n move on. It’s not at all easy.

I love him a lot I always have but this thing that he chose her over me doesn’t let me forgive him. I understand the pain he went through when he lost his family and that when he tells me that he didn’t want to live but when I bring his gf in the picture I don’t get why was he with her not me? Why he still kept being with her when he didn’t even love her and he knew all along that I loved him? How do I forgive him?

Now, we are married, but I still keep thinking of the things he has told me from his past relationship. It just ruins my day, makes me angry to an extent that i just stop talking to anyone and go into this dark corner. I don’t know how to get out of this mode. Now, that we are together I should be happy, that’s what I thought when we decided to marry each other, but still I feel so bad and I keep feeling this way every other day.

I keep comparing things that we do now with the things he did with her. Sometimes, I just hate myself so much. I see no logic in the things he tells me, his actions have always been completely opposite of what he told me he felt about that ex. In some way I think I don’t trust him. He is not doing anything now to make me feel bad, its just that I constantly keep relating to everything from his past.

I wasn’t so sad and angry even when we were not together for 8 years, I never used to think about his gf and never wasted a second of my life on her. I was a very positive and a happy person under every given circumstance. I have struggled a lot on my family front, have had a very difficult relationship with my parents due to other reasons. Now, when it is time for me to be happy about the fact that I am with the person I always wanted to be with, I’m still not happy.

This is making me crazy. Is it so difficult to forgive him? Should I even forgive him? How can I trust him? Will I ever be able to trust him in life? Should I see a shrink?

Hi Optimist Chick and Troubled,

I felt a huge pull to reply to you individually as I can relate with you both,

Optimist Chick,

I definitely agree that everyone heals different and has different ways of dealing with things. It does after all make us all unique and pretty damn awesome if you ask me. I saw a counsellor a year ago due to also bottling things up which in turn affected was affecting my happiness. She asked me about my family history, pointed me in the direction of books I may find helpful (which for me at the time just weren’t) and a handful of other tips and techniques that I just couldn’t grasp. I decided to end the sessions as I wasn’t benefiting at all and decided I would take my own path to healing my own way. I’m still on this journey and will just put this out there that what I’ve benefited the most in healing (and still do) is journaling. Its not necessarily writing a list but just writing down your day, how you’re feeling and anything you’re stressed about. I have always kept things in and I found recently that when I journal I’m able to go back a few weeks at a time and really see and reflect on why I was feeling stressed and what was really going on with me then. I recently looked back at one of my journals from a year ago and it just felt so bizarre, it didn’t feel like that was even me that had written some of the things in there. My point being that journaling may be a nice little safe place for you to get down everything and look back and reflect on it. I personally have found doing this has grounded me a lot and made me understand myself so much more as looking back I can see things a clearly. Give it a go if you wish, even for just a month. A personal favourite is writing in my journal by a lake along one of my favourite coastal paths. I hope in some way you find this helpful.

With warmth

Troubled,

My heart goes out to you more ways than I’m able to type in these words and I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I hope sharing my story with you may help in some way. I to had an ex who was what I would come in and out of my life. After we broke up we were still sleeping together, he would call when drunk, text when drunk and when he left to go travelling around Australia asked me to move there with him so we could start a fresh (which I did and do not regret as I met some pretty amazing people through a tough experience). This was all on going for 5 years, and around three years ago he started seeing someone else. Whilst with someone else he would still text me, try and call me (thankfully I turn my phone off at night) and mess with my head but I decided when I started to see someone else two years ago, I would block him and all of his nonsense out of my life. I blocked him on Facebook and also changed my number. During this time while I was with someone else he sought new ways to get in touch, emailing me to which I would constantly ignore. I never replied until six months ago after the guy I was with and I broke up and I needed to rid myself of all the toxicity in my life. I very nicely told him I would like him to leave me alone and that I needed to move on with my life and him contacting me wasn’t helping. He replied which irritated me as he was not respecting my needs or me so I blocked his email and I haven’t looked back since. My point of all of this is when you take some control over your happiness and your life you start to feel a lot better in yourself. If you feel as though you were happier when you were not in the relationship with him I would definitely go and talk to someone about this, as well as really taking some time out and figuring out whether you can forgive him. If you’re able to work through this with a counsellor and with him involved in the counselling then even better. Though its never easy, once you start to figure out what it is YOU want and need in this life, you really start to move forward within yourself and your happiness can benefit so much from this. Talk with someone, journal your feelings when you’re upset or angry, reflect through walking and spending time in nature and just spend as much time on yourself figuring this all out as you need. I would definitely let your husband know also what it is you’re doing and going through and ask him to respect it. We all deserve to be happy after all. I hope this helps you in some way.

With warmth and hugs to you both,

Tiny Butterfly

Hi Troubled,

As I read your words I can whole-heartedly emphasize with you. When going through a great loss such as the one you went through with your grandfather it is easy to loose ourselves in a midst of it all. I to lost my grandfather and felt that a huge part of myself and my light went with him – but know that you can and will get this back in time. If you are open to talking with a counsellor about some of the things you are feeling, this could be a great start for you in moving forward within your life. It could also help in terms of building back the trust that you do not feel with your husband. Make healing yourself your number one priority for as long as you need, everything else can wait.

With warmth

Tiny Butterfly