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Living with ex and hoping to get back

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  • January 6, 2017 at 9:18 am #124677
    Philip
    Participant

    Dear Community,

    I am writing this post because I need an unbiased piece of advice. Basically, my girlfriend and I split up recently. 2016 was a tough year for our relationship, there were frequent fights that involved screaming and shouting. I took her for granted. We were growing apart from each other and pushing one another away. It got to a point that things turned pretty nasty so eventually, we sat down and agreed that things were not working between us and consequently decided to end our relationship. Pretty standard story.

    Despite all of our disagreements, despite our constant fighting and hurting each other I love her deeply and would hate to call it quits for good. She also says she loves me and all the rest of it and that it would be wrong to just throw our 4 years of being together away. Yet she says she needs time and space to think things through and that she does not trust us enough to get back and start mending things just yet.

    The problem is that we still live with each. We try to limit our exposure to one another but sometimes it’s really hard. I want to communicate with her a lot and talk a lot about how to move forward. She is the complete opposite. Yet she doesn’t want me to move out. I am still at university and will be graduating this year so it would be a bit tough for me financially and in terms of my university work to move out.

    I know I probably should but I am really confused. Considering that we have come to a conclusion that we perhaps want to start anew in the future, will living together totally complicate things? I can stop having those deep conversations with her about us and how we should work it through but will that be enough? I guess my question is whether we can rebuild our lost trust if I’m pretty close to her physically – maybe in a different room, maybe not hanging out with one another but still there is this comforting thought that I am under the same room as her when she or I want to reach out.

    Please share your thoughts. Many thanks.

    January 6, 2017 at 10:14 am #124686
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Philip:

    The screaming and shouting- is it still happening at times or completely gone since the breakup of the bf/gf relationship?

    * Why were there screaming and shouting before; did any of you discuss not screaming and shouting and offered ways for a calmer communication instead?

    anita

    January 6, 2017 at 10:54 am #124689
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Phillip,

    You can’t convince someone else to do something they are unsure of. I know right now that youre feelings and your heart are controlling your thought processes and basically screaming at you to try to explain things to her about how you want to change and work on things to improve your relationship and keep her. The problem is that it just doesn’t work that way. She wants time and space to figure herself out and there’s nothing you can do to speed up the process of her doing so. I know it sucks! I’m right there with you… What you do need to do is to take this time and actually work on yourself. Improve as a man. Find out why you react to disagreements with yelling, and fix it. Work on yourself mentally and physically. Exercise, meditate, read, and grow. It will make you more well rounded and more attractive, and when she is ready she may see your improvements and rekindle her attraction to you. Don’t rush, don’t force, don’t be clingy and needy… all these are mistakes that we make that repel instead of attract. Hang in there, it’s tough, and there are always days that feel like absolute hell and you want to lose your resolve. It may or may not work out, but anything you do to improve yourself will stay with you no matter the outcome of your relationship with her…

    Ramone

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by RamoneJoseph.
    January 6, 2017 at 1:36 pm #124712
    Philip
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply Anita. I believe it all stems from my obsession with controlling things as well as my own feeling of low self-esteem. I was very critical of her, I demanded that she should change certain things in her life (which I believed were objectively positive things like quitting smoking pot and tobacco or exercising more). Despite all that, I chose the wrong method of communication, which didn’t really help. That said, in a wicked sort of way I always had her best interest at heart. She interpreted it the wrong way, given my screaming and shouting.

    I really appreciate your comment Ramone. The advice you have given me seems reasonable yet feels so counter-intuitive. I think us still living in the same house makes it extremely difficult for me to resist the temptation to bring up a serious topic and discuss our relationship. That is evidently something she wants to avoid. I will try to incorporate the things you said about self-betterment and all the rest of it. The only problem is whether it is healthy for us to still live together. Perhaps she can move to a different room but might it be that this proximity will still jeopardise our future? Her family doesn’t want me to move out (it’s their house), my family says I should stay and even my ex says I should stay. I’m just so confused.

    January 6, 2017 at 7:05 pm #124739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Philip:

    Reads to me like it will be better for you to not live with her, better for your mental health, and understandably so. If I was you I would move out.

    anita

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