Before I start, I want to say how useful Tiny Buddha has been as a resource. I’ve discovered a lot of things that never would have crossed my mind before visiting this website. I just want to preface this with some of the anxiety/guilt I feel for using these forums to cope. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety and the resulting loneliness and depression for years now, I know using an online community isn’t the solution to my issues. I hope it can become a starting point to get me on the right path.

I’d like to tell my story. Forewarning… it’s going to be wordy!

Summary: Struggled with social anxiety most of my life. Having a hard time letting go/not dwelling on the regrets of what I’ve missed out on or the mistakes I made.

I recall my social anxiety starting around ages 9-10. I grew out of wetting the bed at a much later age, around age 11-13 if I remember correctly. Wetting the bed kept me away from going on school camp trips, it caused me to face ridicule for having to wear pullups at someone else’s house but even at my own home. My thoughts were consumed by the embarrassment of peeing myself and that kept me from participating in events I would have enjoyed.

On top of wetting the bed, I was always a little overweight as a kid up until my teenage years. I don’t remember being specifically made fun of, but I do remember being uncomfortable with how I looked. Adding to all this, I was the younger brother in the family so I took the bullying from my brother and his friends. Given the other issues I had to confront I think bullying just added to the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.

So what happened as I grew older? I was already naturally shy and introverted. It just got worse. I closed myself off. I lost friends from elementary school to middle school; some by circumstances, others by my inability to develop deep friendships. I spent middle school hanging out with anyone I could, even if they didn’t match who I was or what my values were. That’s when I started to feel what it meant to be lonely. I started HS a shy, insecure kid without any deep friendships. Yet, I had lots of opportunities to turn the corner. I played on the HS soccer team and started to develop confidence through sports. Teachers in 8th grade suggested I take Honors/AP classes in HS, but I declined. I still was lacking deep friendships. By my sophomore year, I was playing soccer and golf. I recall sophomore year being a happy year for me. I still lacked friendships and didn’t fill my life with a lot of meaningful things outside of sports.

Things took a turn for the worse after sophomore year. I found solace in video games and pornography. They filled the void of not having real friendships or relationships. But they worsened my anxiety, depression, and loneliness. I gave up the things that I worked at before like sports and school. I went from turning a corner in soccer sophomore year to basically quitting junior year. I held on to golf but didn’t put anything into the game and played mostly in fear of embarrassment and not being good enough. I avoided hanging out with the friends I did have, I didn’t even attempt or consider going to balls or proms. I graduated HS with no ambitions and grades that got progressively worse each year of high school. Fortunately, I still hung on to some hope. Despite the passing thoughts of ending my life, I carried on to junior college still consumed by anxiety and loneliness.

I let college consume me, partly to give myself a distraction from my lacking social life. I succeeded in that aspect as I completed junior college and transferred to a good university after 2 years. Yet I let opportunities pass for friendships and achievements. I was invited to participate in a research conference to present a project I did in junior college, but declined. I made some friends in my classes, but that was the extent. I didn’t try to develop those friendships.

After I quit playing soccer my senior year of HS, I started to gain weight quickly. Being highly inactive playing video games coupled with a crappy diet, I started to dislike how I looked. Fortunately, I decided to make a change and put emphasis on exercise and eating healthy. I lost weight and started to have some confidence with who I was. I entered university with a desire to get involved and make friends. I did see some growth in that aspect. I tried to play on club sports teams but either didn’t make the team or eventually didn’t follow through. I made friends through my living mates. This helped slowly break down walls I built for myself to protect myself from being vulnerable. Yet I still had a lot of issues with social anxiety. Not having many friends and having no relationships up until that point made it hard for me to open up to people. I lied when people tried to figure out if I was a virgin — which I was until my senior year of college. I didn’t assert myself or try and be proactive about doing things.

I finished university with some confidence and some better friendships, but I still struggled with anxiety and loneliness. I still didn’t have a purpose or fulfilling friendships or relationships. After a year living and working at home, I moved out-of-state to attend graduate school where a friend was going. Initially after the move I still struggled with loneliness and anxiety. I found living with my friend to be toxic, no fault of his own, but being around him and his GF just intensified the loneliness I was feeling. Then came another opportunity for me to turn a corner. I got an internship in a field that I would truly love to find a career in. Not only did I find a purpose in work, I met a girl through the internship that I fell deeply in love with. Yet, I let my social anxiety and some other poor decisions strain both those opportunities.

I didn’t make the girl I loved feel loved and wanted. I didn’t expose myself because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. I struggled to communicate because I was afraid of being rejected. Truthfully, I don’t think I knew how to care for a girl properly. I never experienced an expression of true love like I did with her (outside of my parents unconditional support). I struggled to release the fear of judgement of what others might think. This was made worse by us being coworkers as well.

The internship started great and I enjoyed every aspect of it. I did however struggle with the fact that my friend applied to for one of two positions and didn’t get selected. I felt some guilt in beating him out for one of the positions. This added to the social anxiety of working the internship and having the relationship with someone from work. This was a friend who asked me to try out for the golf team in high school. I most likely never would have been involved with the game if it wasn’t for him. I really struggled with the thought of not wanting to seem “better than him” by enjoying the internship and finding a girl I really liked.

Throughout the internship, which was full time plus some evenings and weekends, I held on to a part-time job I worked when I could. Initially, this was fine. The extra money was going to help finish paying for graduate school. During the middle of the internship when I was on summer break from school, I was offered to stay on for 2 extra months, but it was during school. I accepted the offer. Once school started, I attempted to maintain 3 graduate classes, 40+ hours at the internship and working weekends at the part-time job. I still had to fit personal needs and my relationship in there — I overwhelmed myself. I lost track of exercising and eating right which helped with confidence and anxiety. My relationship deteriorated quickly, although I had some red flag behavior early on. I ended the internship not on the best terms and missed out on a potential job opportunity.

Now I’m left with nothing. I lost my relationship and the opportunity for a job I found meaningful. I’m left feeling the depression, anxiety, and loneliness I’ve struggled with most of my life. I feel abandoned, rejected, and not good enough. I’m really disappointed that in a life full of regrets, I created more that I have to work through.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. It’s appreciated.

• This topic was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Sab.