Home→Forums→Relationships→Long Distance Issues and Breakup
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March 30, 2018 at 6:53 pm #200203
EveParticipantSo my boyfriend and I were dating for 8 months until I broke up with him recently. We had only been dating (and had been good friends for a year prior) for 2 months before I moved home to have a surgery with a long recovery time. In the beginning it was great because we were best friends that were dating and it was happy and movie-like but then I moved and about a month or so ago we started to fight more often and we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other over FaceTime. I started to become really unhappy, I missed him and neither of us could afford to fly to see each other and it started to become a mundane routine to talk about the surface part of our lives where I started to feel trapped. But we were both making each other unhappy for the same reasons, I think, and now that the break up is over, I’m missing him even more. We both wanted each other to be happy so it was heartbreaking, but I can’t tell if it was the right decision. I keep wondering what if? And I can’t stop my emotions from clouding my judgement. I don’t want to go back to him and hurt him even more.
March 31, 2018 at 1:03 am #200213
MarkParticipantEve,
You are hurting. You are grieving. You are missing the person that did not have the messy and button pushing and annoying characteristics that you did not like when you lived with him. It is easy to idealize someone when you don’t have to see him everyday under the same roof.
I would think since you two cannot actually be together physically then the “what if?” is academic. Look to make yourself happy and grow from the experience where you are now. Figure out what was your part in the reason why you two broke up. Figure out what things that did not make it work with him. Grow from that.
Mark
March 31, 2018 at 4:21 am #200219
AnonymousGuestDear Eve:
Has your surgery been successful and are you still recovering or are you back where you lived before, where your ex boyfriend is currently living?
I also wonder what were the fights about, the fights leading to the breakup, and what you meant in the sentence: “I don’t want to go back to him and hurt him even more”- how did you hurt him?
anita
March 31, 2018 at 5:29 am #200229
InkyParticipantHi Eve,
If he weren’t already your good friend from before, this breakup might be less painful. You are not only losing a boyfriend, you’re also losing a friend. I say once you’re broken up, stay broken up, for both your sakes. Then, maybe next year if you’re physically nearer to him and fully recovered from the surgery, you can revisit and see how you feel.
Blessings,
Inky
March 31, 2018 at 7:06 am #200237EveParticipantMark,
That response has helped me a lot, it brings me to control these emotions that are just so overwhelming. We are both so young, and we have so much time. I keep wondering if I would stay unhappy if I was with him, which I guess is how all breakups go. We promised we would stay in touch and stay friends but he’s iced me out, understandably and I will wait. But I want to go back and make everything right and Im worried that in doing so, Ill only make it worse for him.
March 31, 2018 at 7:12 am #200239EveParticipantAnita,
Yes! My surgery has been successful, I have a second one coming up in a month and a few more months of recovery before I move back. A little background: I am a dancer that was living in LA, we both were, and then I got a bad foot injury and came home to take care of it properly because an injury like that could’ve ruined my career. So he is in LA and I am home in Florida.
As for the fights leading up to the breakup. about a week before the breakup, I was becoming unhappier and unhappier. I was meeting new people and creating new relationships with them and those relationships were fulfilling the things I needed my ex to fulfill, the banter, the jokes, the general interest in each others lives. I started to pull away from him and I told him that I needed space. I didn’t speak to him for a couple days, to evaluate what I wanted and see what it would be like without him. When I finally contacted him again he was understandably upset with me and was hurt that I didn’t talk to him. But as the fight went on I don’t think we were really hearing what each other was saying, our feelings and reasonings got lost in anger and hurt and he demanded I apologize to him but I felt that wouldn’t have been genuine so I just couldn’t. He gave me an ultimatum and I was so upset that thats where it ended.
I was the one who ended it, I was the one who needed the space, which I think devastated him. I miss him so much but I don’t want to go crawling back only just to hurt him all over again. Ive been evaluating whether I made the right choice or not, I miss my friend but I want to let him heal.
March 31, 2018 at 7:27 am #200241AnonymousGuestDear Eve:
I hope you recover soon and go back to your dancing career. I didn’t understand: did you start a relationship with a different man in Florida? What was your unhappiness with your then boyfriend all about and how did you communicate that unhappiness to him?
anita
March 31, 2018 at 7:45 am #200249EveParticipantAnita,
Thank you. But no I didn’t start a new relationship with someone else, I just made new friendships with new people and was happier in those than in my own relationship. I was unhappy at the situation, I was unhappy that we couldn’t hold a conversation for more than 5-10 minutes anymore and when we did, it was always in silence or awkwardness because in a long distance relationship, what really is there to talk about. And in any issue that came up, it was not talked out and forgotten about and I was fed up with the underlying issues that weren’t being said. I said to him that I wish he wouldn’t overlook the issues in our relationship because he would just put a bandaid on them and forget them, which drove me crazy.
March 31, 2018 at 7:47 am #200253EveParticipantThank you Inky,
That is the hardest part in this entire situation because he was my go-to person for everything and now I have no one like that who understood me as he did.
March 31, 2018 at 7:57 am #200257AnonymousGuestDear Eve:
You wrote: “I was fed up with the underlying issues that weren’t being said. I said to him that I wish he wouldn’t overlook the issues in our relationship because he would just put a bandaid on them and forget them, which drove me crazy”-
You didn’t share here what those underlying issues are, not mention of what they may be. I hope you specified to him what those issues were, so that he knew what they were.
anita
March 31, 2018 at 8:20 am #200277EveParticipantAnita,
Thank you for pointing that out because I am still unfortunately confused about what those issues are. Every fight, which was usually about our communication kind of just got forgotten about. He wouldn’t tell me how he felt and I’ve expressed to him that he needs to because I think he had these issues with me that I never even knew about until the end. He said I’d never apologize to him, I think I’m always right and that I needed to get over my ego. But during the relationship, he never brought up those issues with me to where I could’ve realized that’s how he felt so I could change it. Which circles back to our communication issue because I think that him not opening himself up to me stunted the conversation and we both kinda felt that. Looking back, maybe he was afraid to open himself up to me because I can be harsh and unthoughtful at times. But I wish I had known this then so I could’ve worked on myself but now I know, I can be better.
March 31, 2018 at 8:39 am #200283AnonymousGuestDear Eve:
Maybe you can discover those issues retroactively, looking back. If you’d like to try that, answer perhaps:
-what did he ask you to apologize for, specifically?
-how do you believe you were “harsh and unthoughtful” with him, at times?
anita
March 31, 2018 at 9:18 am #200293EveParticipantAnita,
He asked me to apologize for not speaking to him for those two days when I told him I didn’t want to talk and that I needed space. I start to get really defensive about my point of views when a disagreement gets heated and it becomes angry. I’ve been analyzing myself a lot on the reason why I couldn’t bring myself to apologize and I think if it had stayed civil, and he could’ve explained his point of view and his feelings without lashing out at me I would’ve been inclined to see that and apologize. I’ve learned that I respond with much more compassion when others do the same rather than resulting to anger.
I believe that I was harsh and unthoughtful because he kind of pointed that out to me, I’ve been told in my past that I can be mean even when I don’t intend to be and that is something I’ve always worked at. And hearing people say that always hits home, with him, I think I would give him “tough love” but still encouragement when I thought that he had the strength to get through hard times like finding a job and getting cut from auditions, my intentions were always to motivate him and have faith in him, but maybe it didn’t come across that way.
March 31, 2018 at 9:48 am #200303MarkParticipantEve,
It sounds like you are still learning how to have close relationships and to communicate. It seems to me that this is something that needs to be learned and fostered regardless it is with your ex or not. People we draw into our lives are mirrors to us and it is up to us to open our eyes and let go of our ego and learn from our interactions with them.
It IS hard not to have someone that “gets” you especially if you lost that one person. I sometimes yearn for that for I work on being transparent and vulnerable so I can connect deeply with those around me.
There are very few who do “get” me but realistically it is more about being with others who are sensitive, empathetic, non-judgmental, understanding and loving. I think it is more about having those qualities than really knowing who I am. In fact I believe that people having those qualities then they would really know who I am and anyone else.
I have no advice on whether or not you should get back to him. I believe that if you want to co-create close and loving relationships then be that for yourself and for others. It does not have anything to do with being romantic.
That’s my Two Cents.
Mark
March 31, 2018 at 9:59 am #200307AnonymousGuestDear Eve:
If he expressed anger at you but did not lash out, that would have been fair. But if he lashed out, that is, mistreated you by yelling or using words so to hurt you, than he was the one who needed to apologize.
We don’t do well with aggression- scared of it. So, if he indeed displayed aggression toward you, then no wonder you needed space. And you wouldn’t need to apologize for needing space, needing distance from an aggressive person.
On the other hand, if the “tough love” you mentioned, that is trying “to motivate him” by being aggressive with him, that would be something for you to apologize for, after you realize (if you do) that aggression does not motivate except in cases of extreme emergencies. Aggression demotivates, destroys.
anita
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