long distance relationship – I don't know what to do and it hurts so much

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    Hey, I could really use some advice as I am feeling very helpless right now.
    Last year I travelled through Canada (I’m from Germany) and met a man while doing voluntary work on a farm. We got along very well and after two months, he told me he liked me more than just a friend. He is 19 years older than me (I am 21) and I had never been in a relationship before, so I was a little overwhelmed. He had to go back to China for two months and as I missed him a lot, I agreed to meet him as soon as he came back to the States. So we travelled together for 6 months and had a beautiful time together. I felt really save with him and fell in love for the first time. We both have a history of depression, but even though it was rocky sometimes (I have problems opening up to people and self doubts), we were happy. Two months ago I had to go back to Germany and we left, certain that we wanted to keep our relationship and see each other again as soon as possible. It went well for the first month, we wrote emails and skyped and even though I really missed him, I managed. I have a lot of things going on, college is starting, which is a big change that scares me. He is still in the States working on a farm (he quit his job and has been traveling for two years now). Then I started noticing his emails became shorter and less and less often. The last time we skyped was two weeks ago and he seemed a little down. After that, I didn’t hear from him for a week, all my emails went unanswered and I got really worried. There had been times before we met, when he wanted to kill himself and with that knowledge, it was really hard for me to not know wether he’s doing okay. I wrote him a couple of emails, sometimes just telling him how my day had been, other times that I missed him and wished we could talk. After one week, when I told him I was worried and to please let me know wether he’s okay, he wrote “I’m good. Take care!”. I asked him to skype, but nothing came back.
    So I haven’t really heard from him in two weeks and on the one hand I am really hurt because I miss him so much and he doesn’t really seem to care. On the other hand I am worried that he is not doing good, that maybe he can’t handle the distance or feels like there is no future for us or is feeling really lonely. I don’t know and I can’t stop overthinking. I told him he could tell me anything, I just need to know what’s going on but I now I feel like I am pressuring him. I am so worried he is depressed again and maybe pulling back because he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy being loved. He is hurting me but what hurts even more is to imagine that he is hurting. He really is a good guy and I can’t imagine he is willingly hurting me. I don’t know what to do, as long as he is ignoring my emails, there is no way I can reach him. I don’t know if I am overreacting but I just can’t think about anything else, I can’t really eat or distract myself, I have nightmares. I feel guilty, thinking I should have been there more when I had the chance. College is also bothering me, I am scared to meet new people. I was looking into going to college in the States which is difficult and very expensive, but I told him I would try so we can be together longer than just three months at a time.
    I just don’t know how to relax or how to help him. I know that we’re responsible for our own actions but I want to be there him. Or maybe he really is doing good and only doing things his own way. I’m just feeling really helpless and I don’t know how to accept that for now this is out of my hands. Every day feels so long, I keep going to bed hoping he’ll write to me but fearing he won’t. I know nobody can tell me what he is thinking right now, but maybe you have some advice how to handle this. 🙁

    Anders Hasselstrøm

    Dear Hannah,

    I’d like to start saying that this is not my field of expertise. I educate students to make better choices about their future by making conscious decisions about their lives. That being said I have a long distance relationship and it is the one of the things in this world I appreciate the most. It is all about making it work.

    First of all Hannah, I’d like to say that it can be a very scary process starting college and meeting a lot of new people. I have been in the situation myself. However, remember that everyone is in the same situation. Every single one of the students are having a difficult time and most of them have the exact same thoughts as you do. Take it easy and believe deep down that everything is going to be okay. Embrace that it is an exciting time and in a year from now you will have so many new friends appreciating you for who you are. It seems like you are a little confused about all the new things happening. I would encourage you to write your thoughts on a piece of paper. It is easier to relate to the problems when they has been written down – they might not be so scary as when you keep them inside.

    Regarding your boyfriend overseas I would advice you to get clear with him. You have to ask him whether he can prioritize your relationship or wants to end it. I know it can be a difficult situation but you have to remember that you are the most important person in this world. Don’t hurt yourself by staying with a boy if he is basically not interested in keeping on.

    I hope it helps a bit my friend,

    Anders Hasselstrøm

    Joanna Warwick

    Dear Hannah,

    I’m so sorry you are struggling and this is heart breaking…

    You mention that he is 19 years older than you – he knows what he is doing… He is an adult and he seems to be withdrawing which is what emotionally immature men do – avoid when they cant face saying the truth that something is over! – he is wanting you to end it possibly.

    You mentioned that he ha not been emotionally stable – this is not your job to heal or fix or solve – this is not 50 shades of Grey!

    You are a gorgeous young woman who is meant to be spreading her wings and embracing the world and having FUN!!!!

    You mention that you have been depressed before – depression is the result when we repress our desire for life and desire to grow and be bigger!

    Stop trying to be small!

    You deserve better than this, but I feel you are not aware of this…

    Its wonderful that you fell in love but we do out grow people and experiences until we are ready to meet someone who is are equal and wants us to be the strongest, most confident version of ourselves – not polyfiller to their emotional problems.

    You need to take action and own your power in this situation and your life ( Im hearing some great stuff about college etc) but at this moment sadly I hear you are being a victim to his drama games and selfish hurtful behaviour!
    Its time to grow and become the young woman you are truly destined to be – fabulous!!!

    Much love
    Jox (PS: I am therapist)

    Unlock Your Feminine Power ~ Become Your Own Woman


    Thank you both so much for your kind and encouraging words. He broke up with me yesterday – I have been suffering a lot the past weeks so it wasn’t as much a shock as a relieve, though a painful one. I’ll try to take your advice and start approaching a more joyful and self-destined life instead of ceasing to do things out of fear.
    Thanks again for your support,

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