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Long distance relationship with depressed boyfriend

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • May 24, 2018 at 6:25 am #209057
    pathfinder
    Participant

    Hello

    We’ve been in long distance relationship for a year and a half. We live in different continents. We only met once, when I visited his country, and we started talking through messengers, calls and eventually made sure about our feelings to each other. Everytime if one of us had a chance to visit each other, we had an argument so we ended up canceling the plan.  Also we both work so we didn’t have much time to visit each other.

    We used to talk everyday and were so much in love but since April or so he doesn’t really answer my calls, or answer once every five~seven trials. I have anxiety(he calls it jealousy) issue with him and he has depression issue. I knew that he has depression issue but I thought it was not that serious. But he was going to a doctor recently.

    After finding out he has serious depression issue, I watched some youtube videos about “How to help someone with depression” and I tried not to bother him with his depression and was waiting for him to call or text me first, which was once a week or less. I am regretting to telling him that I am sad cause we don’t talk as much as we did. I guess this might be an another burden to him along with his own problems from depression.

    Anyways, he broke up with me today. He said I should meet someone better, who can make me happy, who can do everything I want. And he said he should meet someone for himself too. I asked him what he doesn’t like about me too. He told me I overthink to much. He said he loves me but I am not the one he wants to spend his life with. He kind of said about money too when he was breaking up with me and I don’t care if he has no money. I earn more than him because my country’s economy is better than his country’s. I save money too so I have more savings than him. He spends almost all of his salary but I can give all mine to him.

    The thing is, I am very confused now. I saw many cases that the depressed person has not enough self respect so he or she pushs the person they love away. I want to know if he is like this case because of his depression or he is tired of me.

    What I feel about him right now is I still love him as always. I want to help him with his problems, I want to be next to him. He is the one make me happy and I want to see him being happy too.

    I do not know what is better for both of us.

     

    Sorry for my English. I am not a native.

     

    May 24, 2018 at 9:54 am #209213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pathfinder:

    Not all depressed people are the same. So what is true for one, is not necessarily true to another. Two depressed people can be as different from each other as can be.

    When he broke up with you, it doesn’t mean that it was not a logical break up, that his thinking was wrong or flawed. Depressed people still make choices that are right for them (and non-depressed people sometimes make choices that are not right for them).

    As painful as it is for you, I think it is better that you respect his choice and let go of this very long distance relationship. Perhaps a short distance relationship with an emotionally available and reliable man will be better for you (?)

    anita

    May 24, 2018 at 1:30 pm #209255
    Sofia
    Participant

    pathfinder,

    I have to agree with Anita.

    even I was in a long distance relationship and my I was going through some personal issues and my partner as well. we’ve gone our separate ways now and I must admit it wasn’t easy, it was very painful, for the both of us but it was necessary and i couldn’t be more thankful to him. he made me the person i am today! and i hope, someday, we can be together again to celebrate old times but for now, it’s important to stay separate, find our own paths, live a little with our own selves.

    you must heal yourself, work on your issues and problems, complete yourself so you can find happiness and he must do that as well. during that proccess, i’m sure you’ll find someone who will love you very much and you will be whorthy of your love.

    I believe you should open your heart to other people, it might bring a lot of happiness to you and you may find someone incredible.

    maybe stay friends with your ex, after a while, I’m sure he could use some help. but I do believe he made the right choice for both of you.

    don’t lose hope, you’ll find the world has amazing people around you!

     

    much love,

    S

    May 25, 2018 at 12:51 am #209301
    pathfinder
    Participant

    Anita and Sofia,

     

    Thank you guys for your replies.

    So I talked to him last night and he was very sure about what he was saying. Maybe he got over this break up already cause his voice was very cold and confident. It was embarrassing cause he has never talked to me with this attitude before. He said he will never ask me to come back and he is not in love with me. I was very sad that I can’t hear him saying ‘I love you’ anymore, but I wish the best for him at the same time. As you guys said it would be better to follow his choice. I am not sure if I can stay friends with him though, I’ve always stopped talking to my exes when we broke up. And it seems like there is no chance for me to get him back.

    I heard life is for-give and not for-get. Thinking of myself, I’ve been wanting to get something from him such as more calls, no talking to other girls kind of things. Moreover I was afraid of finding someone else when I was expecting this break up because it took me a long time to find him after the former relationship, also we were thinking of marriage too. To be honest I am still afraid. I hope I can let him go from my mind and I can be okay soon so that I can find my path.

     

    pathfinder

    May 25, 2018 at 2:39 am #209313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pathfinder:

    You are welcome. You wrote: “I hope… I can be okay soon so that I can find my path”.  I hope so too.

    Your name here is pathfinder and the last words in your recent post are “find my path”. If you want to share what you mean by “my path”, please do.

    anita

    May 25, 2018 at 8:55 am #209357
    iti
    Participant

    Hi, I have been in a relationship from last 4 years.. it was all gud, but from last one year from the time I swithed my job to a company which comes in top 4 ,, he started behaving differently. He says I did not ask him before resigning and I resigned with the push from my teammates. from the day I resigned he started torturing me, abuing me and my family , sometimes physical torture too.. and he says its all I deserve it..

    he don’t like me talking to any guy in my team , he don’t like me going out with my friends, and he always ask me to block people to whom I talk.

    once upon a time when I told the whole story to my best friend , he physically abused me that why did I tell her all this and blocked her from my phone.

    he is still same, he push me everyday to resign from my new company, torture me saying that he will thrash me. he don’t let me do my job, he don’t let me eat with my team, he ask me to go alone on breakfast and lunch.

    and why I cannot tell anyone about it in my family is , he is a married man with a newly born baby, I don’t want to ruin their lives because of him & obviously my family will never accept me if they get to know about that I am in a relationship with a married man but I cannot bear his torture and abuse more. I cry everyday that what should I do and everyday he threaten me to thrash me. he knows where I live where I work. he can come anytime he want.

    and I am not able to bear it now. if I don’t tell anyone he will continue to torture me like this till the end of my life.

    I want to give up .please help what should I do.

     

     

    May 26, 2018 at 7:46 pm #209565
    nto
    Participant

    This person is isolating you from everyone that would help you. It sounds like he is dangerous. I think you should ask for help whenever you think you can get it. I would call a local domestic abuse line, a women’s shelter and the police and tell them exactly about his behavior and his intentions and let them advise you further. Also I think it’s a very good idea to reach out to your friends and people you trust and tell them what’s going on. Make no mistake; you are not alone, he is just trying to assert control over you and make you think you are. Having an affair with a married man is not a crime. Abusing someone and threatening their life is. I would also consider talking to a lawyer and requesting placing a restraining order on him. Surround yourself with allies. Your life is more important than keeping this affair a secret. Good luck <3

    September 9, 2018 at 8:31 am #224803
    pathfinder
    Participant

    Hello guys it’s been three months and I had not contacted him since then. I had a very depressed June quitting my job, trying to be normal without him and in Aug I finally got a new job and was trying to start again.

    But couple of weeks ago he wanted to call me asking if I can talk. I was at work so I said he can call me when he wakes up next day for him(because we live in different countries, we have like 15hours difference)or text me. But he waited until I finish my work and called.

    He said sorry. He admitted that I was right about what he was going through at that time. When we were together, he was having insomnia and depression. I was trying to help him by waiting and accepting his problem but he was isolating himself hurting me. After breaking up he has been to a counselor and they decided to try anxiety medications. He said he will go to see a doctor soon that week.

    I didn’t know what to say because I had all the feelings listening to him. I was very confused, I felt hate, but I felt sorry for him and I found I still miss him. I was trying hard to stay neutral. I remember all I said was “I was trying to help you but you denied it. And you are now calling me saying you are sorry because you want yourself to feel better.”

    Maybe what I said hurt him.. but him saying sorry didn’t relieved me at all and I don’t want to get hurt anymore from anybody. I have no room left to be hurt.

    He wants to keep in touch with me which for me is good to hear from him but at the same time it will make me miss him more. I started crying again when I’m alone since his call.

     

    But what I really wanted to say to him was

    I always wish him the best. I hope he gets better soon and achieve whatever his goal is.

    I am just saying this here cause I have no courage

     

    So.. now I am stuck with not knowing his feeling about me, myself missing and hating him at the same time, him wanting to keep in touch, myself with much low self confidence. Hahaha

    Thanks for reading.. just wanted to share because I couldn’t sleep in the late sunday night

    September 10, 2018 at 8:25 am #225025
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pathfinder:

    Welcome back to your thread.

    Having re-read your first two posts and the recent one, the possible resuming of this long distance relationship reads to me like a bad idea. The two of you live in different continents, met only once, cancelled plans to visit because of arguments, and at one point he stopped responding to you. Then on May 24, “He said he will never ask me to come back and he is not in love with me”.

    If indeed you don’t want to get hurt anymore (“I don’t want to get hurt anymore from anybody. I have no room left  to be hurt”), better not resume this troubled long distance relationship, seems to me.

    anita

     

     

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