September 21, 2017 at 12:18 pm #169683
So, I've been dating this man recently and I am super crazy about him. He's someone I can see myself marrying, who is so into me, and open about how he is falling for me, and cares a lot about me. All of that aside – this is a LDR. We both knew what we were getting ourselves into and I feel as though we can both handle it, as I am open to moving for him in the near future permitting things go well.
Recently though I have run into some relationship anxiety. I have fear of abandonment from other relationships and long distance ones which I have been in in the past. I try not to associate him with these and I care and let my emotions for him flow openly. Lately he has been going out far too much, partying, drinking etc. I don't mind sometimes because I do trust him and how he feels about me. However, I don't even go out half as much. The fact that I can't always be there to go with him or for him to come home to me is starting to have an affect. I don't like judging him but even when we talk about it and he wants to change, it happens not even days later. I don't want to control him but I feel there's a fine line between going out and having fun and doing it excessively. I know for a fact if the tables are turned he would be turned off and hurt by me doing this.
I also don't want to be a nag because the good in him by far weighs out the bad. Any advice? 🙁September 21, 2017 at 12:58 pm #169693
Emily I'm very happy about you filling that void you had in your life by dating this guy you are “crazy about.” I hope it grows and grows. There is so much going on in your life right now that it is easy for me to appreciate your concerns. I am sure you have heard this before and equally sure that you will here it over and over, but LDR's are very difficult to nurture. That comment was not meant to provoke you into second guessing your desires and expectations. I would like to offer that you try not to push ahead too much until the “partying, drinking etc.” concerns are addressed. At what level do you think his drinking is at? You said, “…when we talk about it and he wants to change, it happens not even days later.” When people say they want to change, to me this means change will happen but not right now, as evidenced when you said “it happens not even days later.” Does he want to change because he wants to change to make his life better? If so why wait for better? Does he want to change for the better for both of you? If so why wait for better? I have had friends tell me pretty much the same thing about their relationship, one of the persons saying I want to change because those are the right words to say at the time, often times giving rise to false hope. All I'm saying is address the concerns you have first before you go much further. Move in together with reason to believe the drinking will subside drastically, or, move in together without the change and deal with your concerns while you live together. To me that sounds risky. I am certain you are a very intelligent woman to not allow yourself to live with someone who wants to change his drinking habits but will do it when he is ready. I take issue with drinking because an alcoholic step-father destroyed my family. It was a drunk driver who killed two of my sisters in a car accident, with neither sisters being the one drunk. I admit it, I drink, water and almond milk. I also have a glass of wine maybe 3 times a year.
In your opinion, could it be his lifestyle is what resurrects memories of your “fear of abandonment ?” You said, ” The fact that I can’t always be there to go with him or for him to come home to me is starting to have an affect.” In what ways does that effect you? How frequently are you affected by this? My advice is consider the things I said and please feel free to correct any misconceptions I may have. It won't offend me. I can only learn from it.
PearceSeptember 22, 2017 at 9:11 am #169821
Dear Emily K:
I understand that you have history of anxiety regarding relationships, but there is also real life facts that call for caution: when he goes out partying and drinking, there is a higher chance that he will get physically involved with another woman than if he did not. The affect of alcohol plus his natural needs as a young man are quite powerful in combination.
You wrote that you trust him, but do you not trust as well that alcohol has certain affects and that your LDR boyfriend has physical needs?
If you agree with my points here, why don't you discuss this with your boyfriend, ask him about his experience with alcohol and his physical needs when going out? Ask, hear his response and take it from there.