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Long distance relationships – lovebomber?

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  • #369329
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi there,

    I just separated from my husband of 25 years. With help from this man online, he helped me leave an emotionally abusive marriage. We’ve talked almost everyday, messaged, then finally video chat. I believe that I have fallen in love. He said he had fallen for me within a month or two after i said that I was crushing on him pretty hard.

    He said he has been with over 100 women in his life and kind of feels bad about it. His wife died a long time ago (we are almost 50). He said he has been celibate for 13 years and has watched a lot of porn, weird porn. Ive sent him um, pictures and weve had intimate times on the phone.

    Anyways he says he loves me very, very very very very very very much. ???? Weird ??  Our relationship was very intense. I said that I wanted to look after him. He started taking care of himself, but recently his appearance, our online intimacy (he never um, completed) went a little bit cold. He sends me kind of the usual Good morning beautiful and i love you very x7 much. Then usually just calls me around midnight (10pm his time). He usually is playing video games with his brother until then. I wait. Sometimes he calls and says he’s got to go to bed so it seems obligatory. No more phone intimacy because he says it’s too hard with the phone and he’s shy. We took a few day break this week but he still messaged me everyday which was nice. But i wonder if he has ulterior motives because he knows im vulnerable and probably am going to get a good settlement upon divorce.  Im currently trying to get custody of my son, deprogram, and he basically said for me to take a break to look after these things which is great and I told him so. I tried a few weeks ago but I did it wrong meaning I was rather abrupt about it and he felt that I was ghosting him.

    Currently he tells me 3 women flirted with him this week. A while back he said he knows of women that want to take care of him. He says he wants to “come out of retirement” for me. He said he tried to purposely tried to make himself unattractive (he did a good job lol) on purpose because he didn’t want to get hit on. But now it seems that he’s trying to look better physically but he says he is doing it for me. I want to believe him. I accused him of cheating and we got into a big fight over text. I ended up apologizing. He said he has never cheated on anyone ever including me. Hes very intelligent about politics etc. But he bragged about being a corporate attack dog trying to get a woman fired by nitpicking until she had a nervous breakdown. But he felt bad after he found out that she had cancer. He told me he got an academic award from Ronald Reagan. He wants me to send him a sex toy. He said it would be hot. ???? Everytime I ask him a question he always looks to the right and nd sometimes when he’s frustrated with my trust issues he says that he’s not offended because he’s always paid for the sins of other men. He lives with his elderly parents and brothers. He says he’s his moms caretaker. He lives in a poor house with countless holes in the ceiling. Im scared of getting closer to him because I fell so quickly and said he saved me. He said I saved him too. Hes always so agreeable and says wonderful charming things and says he will give me all the breaks I need. He says his deceased wife used to have dreams about him meeting someone, a xena warrior princess type and blonde. He said she would get jealous. He would get angry and say there would never be another.

    When we’re together we laugh sometimes but often it’s him gazing at me for a long time. I find it flattering but now I  wonder because he says he wants to take things slow now and no intimacy sexually which really saddens me. He knows this.

    I know this is a lot of info. But im confused and frequently anxious about his fidelity and genuiness because he says he wants to marry me .

     

    Help.

     

    #369331
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lis:

    I will read your post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #369349
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lis:

    You shared that you are almost 50 years old, that you were married for 25 years, and the marriage was emotionally abusive. You recently separated from your husband “with help from this man online”.

    You and the online man live in different time zones, 2 hours apart. Your communication has been online and on the phone. You sent him naked pictures of yourself and the two of you had “intimate times on the phone”, but recently he has been neglecting his physical appearance and your “online intimacy (he never um, completed) went a little bit cold”. You believe that you fell in love with him, but you are suspicious of him. You suspect that he may be lying to you, and that he may plan to take advantage of you following your anticipated divorce settlement.

    Let’s look at what he told you:

    * At almost 50, he is living with his elderly parents and brothers in a poor house with countless holes in the ceiling. He is his mother’s caretaker. He usually plays video games with his brother all day long and into the night: “He sends me .. Good morning (message).. Then usually just calls me around.. 10 pm his time.. He usually is playing video games with his brother until then”, “he got an academic award from Ronald Reagan”, “he bragged about being a corporate attack dog”

    * He was married and his wife “died a long time ago”. He “has been with over 100 women in his life and kind of feels bad about it”, “he’s shy”, “he has never cheated on anyone ever”, he “has been celibate for 13 years and has watched a lot of porn, weird porn”, he wants to “come out of (sexual) retirement” for you, “he knows of women that want to take care of him”, “he tried to make himself unattractive.. on purpose because he didn’t want to get hit on”, “now .. he’s trying to look better physically” for you, “3 women flirted with him this week”,

    * He says he loves you “very very very very very very very much”, that he wants you to send him a sex toy, that “it would be hot”, and he’s “always so agreeable and says wonderful charming things”, and “he says he wants to take things slow now and no intimacy sexually which really saddens me. He knows this”.

    You closed with: “I’m confused and frequently anxious about his fidelity and genuineness because he says he wants to marry me. Help”.

    My input:

    1. He told you that he received “an academic award from Ronald Reagan”. If you look at www. reagan foundation. org/ education/ ronald reagan leadership medal (no spaces), you can see that this program still exists. It reads:  “This prestigious award is presented to graduating students who best exemplify the following characteristics: Drive, Humility, and Service Before Self. Every  high school in America may nominate one graduating senior for a Ronald Reagan Leadership Medal… Each nominated student will receive an exclusive medallion and a letter of recognition… presented at a culmination ceremony, award reception, or graduation. We encourage students to wear their medallions, take pictures with it”-

    – I don’t know when this program started but I am guessing that it started after Ronald Reagan left office. He left office in January 1989, so I imagine the program was established some time later. If the man you are talking about is near 50 now, then he was about 19 when Reagan left office,  too old to be referred to by his high school to be considered to the program, seems to me.

    If he somehow won this award, I am sure that he has pictures of his medallion, the letter of recognition and the ceremony, photos of the medallion itself and of him wearing the medallion as a teenager. If he received this medal, I assume he has accessible proof of it nearby and will show those photos to you proudly if you ask him.

    2. He told you that he was a corporate attack dog, a term usually used for a lawyer who legally attacks people. If he worked for a corporation in the capacity of a lawyer or the like (something that his alleged Reagan award may have helped him achieve)- he sure made a drastic professional and lifestyle change to a life of a middle aged man living with his elderly parents and playing video games all day long and into the night. He didn’t use his alleged corporate job  income to rent or buy his own place, or to fix the countless holes in the ceiling of the poor house where he lives, or to hire a caretaker for his  mother, nor did he (?) offer to spend his money on traveling to meet you in-person for the first time.

    3. If his mother needs a caretaker, and if he is her caretaker, as he told you-  I would assume that he would have fixed those countless holes in the ceiling of the house where she lives, and that he wouldn’t have time to be playing computer games all day long.

    4. He told you that he had sex with over 100 women in his life, that he is shy, never cheated on any woman, that he was married and celibate for 13 years- I don’t know how all that fits together, or if it fits.  Being with over 100 women and not cheating on any, indicates that all were casual encounters (?)

    5. He told you that he knows of women who want to take care of him- that could mean that he wants you to take care of him financially.

    Overall, thing is, anyone can say anything. Talking or typing, as I do now, is easy. If a person doesn’t care to lie, saying words and typing words without providing proof is the easiest way to lie.

    That he tells you that he loves you very much, typing the very seven times, combined with other things he communicated to you, suggests to me that he is immature, perhaps not very intelligent, perhaps mentally unwell.

    If you would like to, you are welcome to post again and communicate with me further.

    anita

    #369463
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond and in so much detail.

    After seeing you present the facts, I feel stupid for letting myself feel so vulnerable with him. All of these things he’s said and done over the last few months is quite shameful on my part isn’t it? My head and heart are just in conflict.

    It’s just so confusing. Long distance relationships are hard, especially virtual ones. We haven’t even met and probably won’t for some time due to COVID. He says he wants to visit me here once they start letting people across the border.

    Sometimes I catch him just gazing at me without blinking. I find that a little odd but I seem to ignore the possible red flags constantly. He also tells me he wants me at my best, but will take me at my worst which I thought was nice.

    Thank you Anita. I think I need to take a break from him. How do you do this without hurting his feelings? What if he releases the photos to some weird website?

    Aliisa

    #369467
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alisa:

    You are welcome. You wrote: “All of these things he’s said and done over the last few months is quite shameful on my part, isn’t it?”- no, his shameful/wrong behavior (lying to you, I suspect) is not shameful on your part, it is shameful on his part.

    When person X wrongs person Y, it is person X who is responsible for the wrongdoing, not person Y.

    “My head and heart are just in conflict”- it is often the case, for many millions of people as I am typing these words, and every person has experienced this conflict. The good news is that this kind of conflict can be resolved.

    “He says he wants to visit me here once they start letting people across the border”- I doubt that it is a good idea, and what he says is suspect to me because of the contradictions I listed in my first post to you. One of what I suspect to have been lies on his part, is that he told you that he won an academic award from Ronald Reagan. If you can find out when the Reagan academic awards program started (awards given to graduating high school students), you may find out that the program started when this man was in his twenties, or his thirties, too late for him to have received that award.

    Also, if you ask him and he fails to show you two photos: (1) the medallion itself, (2) him as a high school student wearing that same medallion- that is evidence enough that he lied to you on the matter.

    “Sometimes I catch him just gazing at me without blinking. I find that a little odd”- it is hard to interpret his gaze; it is easier to determine if his words to you were lies.

    “He also tells me he wants me at my best, but will take me at my worst, which I thought was nice”- it is a nice thing to say. Maybe he wants you to take him at his (lying) worst. I hope that you do not accept him lying to you (examples of possible lies: receiving the Reagan award, having been a corporate attack dog, having been married, having been with more than a 100 women).

    “I think I need to take a break from him. How do you do this without hurting his feelings?”- find out if he lied to you; it will be easier for you to not worry about hurting his feelings if you know that he didn’t mind lying to you.

    “What if he releases the photos to some weird website?”- first, do not send him (or anyone) any more naked photos. Second, if he sends those photos to a “weird” website, I am guessing only weird people visit that weird website, and I am hoping that you no longer associate with people who are not weird that way.

    You started your thread sharing that this man helped you leave an emotionally abusive marriage- good thing that you left an emotionally abusive marriage. And you helped him too. It would be too high of a price for you to pay for his help, if you continue a long distance relationship (and enter irl relationship) with a man who doesn’t mind lying to you unnecessarily and repeatedly.

    Post again anytime, if you want to.

    anita

     

     

    #369481
    anita
    Participant

    Lis, if you are back to your thread and still want an answer to your question above, please let me know.

    anita

    #369552
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita!

     

    Is there a way that I can delete this thread just in case?

    Thank you.

    #369553
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lis:

    You can go to HOME at the top of the page, left corner, scroll down to CONTACT and send the owner of this website a short request to delete your thread.

    anita

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