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long term dependent relationship

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • May 28, 2015 at 12:03 pm #77435
    ajs
    Participant

    This is is my first post here, I’ve been looking for a place where I can share and receive other peoples perspectives

    I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years, since I was 17, and married for almost 5 years. During our marriage I have supported both us, my husband has worked, been made redundant, gone to university, been under-employed, unemployed and now unemployed but trying to start a bushiness. Money has been an issue, we almost lost our home a couple of years ago, but has been less pressing an issue as I’ve managed to earn more. During this time he has come out as suffering from depression and social anxiety with sweating attacks and has been to therapy and overcome much of these problems.

    My background is that I was brought up in a very loving but dysfunctional home that suffered a string of traumas so as a result I am very security minded, I admit probably much more so then is healthy.

    I was extremely upset by his passivity when we were having financial problems, he was depressed but I found it very hard to forgive him for leaving me to face these (and many other) problems alone and I went into my own depression. A year ago this became too much and I said I wanted to break up, we didn’t, we talked, we re-connected etc. I found that I could be happy with him when in the present moment, not looking at the past or the future, so worked on this.

    But it soon crept back, I hadn’t forgiven him and couldn’t keep my mind off of the future. Again the subject of breaking up came, I didn’t actually instigate it, he wanted to know how I felt and I told him. This time he listened and really took it in as I spoke about this time and how much I was hurting and still hurt by this time, it made sense to him. All better. Then he asked me for money. Boom! all the feelings back, anger, guilt about anger.

    I find it hard because its not equal if we were to separate he would lose his home, he wouldn’t have a means of supporting himself, he’d be distraught, and that makes it hard to know how you really feel, do I still really love this person, want to be with them forever, have children with them, if they’re not in a position to want anything else. And how much of that is just the black dog talking.

    I don’t want to be angry, to be in-charge, to have the power to ruin someones life or for money to be more important then love. I wish I could sprinkle magic dust and make the past disappear, to make myself the naive romantic that I once was, remove the cynicism and coldness from my heart, and to love him madly as I did, as much as he still loves me.

    May 29, 2015 at 1:20 pm #77472
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ajs88:
    Do you have children? They are to consider on the subject of breaking up…

    Not considering children, it seems to me that you believe that you are protecting him from financial disaster and greater depression IF you broke up with him, if you separated. But this may not be so at all. It very well may be that your disapproval of him encourages his depression, keeps it in place. It could be that he (secretly) wishes you did break up with him. It could be that she is afraid for your well being if he broke up with you… I don’t know. The thing is I don’t need to know because i am not involved with him. But do you know or are you locked in your assumptions, your current perspective? Are you attached to your understanding as it currently is that you are not open to SEE what is real? Not open to see the bigger perspective? What if he loves and needs you AND he would be better off separated from you?

    What if when separated, without the extra distress he is likely feeling KNOWING YOU DISAPPROVE OF HIM, what if he gets energized and get his life together?

    I hope you take care of yourself and as you do that- he will take care of yourself.

    You obviously TRIED very hard and for a long, long time to NOT feel angry at him for not working and for being passive in face of your financial problems. You tried but the anger and resentment keep coming back. What if you honor your feelings and separate from him?

    Your sacrifice is hurting you… and it probably hurts him too. No win-lose or lose-win relationship is a good idea. Stick to win-win and life will be as good as it gets.

    Take care:
    anita

    May 29, 2015 at 1:22 pm #77473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Correction: “it seems to me that you believe that you are protecting him from financial disaster and greater depression IF you DO NOT break up with him, if you DO NOT separate from him.

    June 1, 2015 at 10:55 am #77576
    ajs
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, a sound perspective.

    I think being open to see what is real is the key thing I’m lacking and need to work on. We don’t have children, if we did it wouldn’t be a question and I’d cope with it as mothers do at least I hope I would but I also hope I wouldn’t have to.

    June 1, 2015 at 11:23 am #77577
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, ajs88. What is real- fitting our living with what is real (instead of distortions of reality) is the way for mental health. Finding out what is real, being open to having gotten it wrong- it is sometimes a shock to the system, but once we process it- it is the way for better living. I used to think it is psychotic patients in the midst of psychosis that got reality wrong. I was… wrong: it is the norm.

    Wishing you the best!
    anita

    June 1, 2015 at 3:24 pm #77587
    Kori Elizabeth
    Participant

    I was married to a traveling, full time musician for 5 years (together 9 years total) I have a full time, salary job and know the feelings of resentment very well. Reading this in fact brought back much pain for me, and a heart of empathy for you. I was the “supportive wife” for a long time. I remember the resentment of watching him be passed out in bed after a night of playing music and drinking, while I was up getting ready for a day of work. Things for us dissolved and broke for many reasons other than just money but for my heart a large part of that was money. Working your butt off and giving someone all the money you make w/ nothing in return can be disastrous on your life.

    I will tell you this, when we started going to counseling I voiced to her that I felt like I couldn’t leave my relationship because he wouldn’t be able to support himself. Do you know what she said to me? He is an adult. It is the same thing I would say to you. You are married to an adult. Just like you have been an adult and working, he is also capable of working and supporting himself if need be. I am a people-pleaser and it was very hard for me to finally wrap my mind around that. She also gave me the scenario of “what if you died, what would he do then?” That made me really think. You aren’t doing him any favors by supporting him fully. He is an adult and at some point he can’t depend on you.

    You are loved and deserve the best that life can offer. I think that this situation is really hard and I am proud of the hard work you have been doing. I think it was smart of you to voice those issues to him and I wish I knew how to help your resentment. Honestly, only time can heal and tell.

    =)

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