Dear Ellie:

You wrote: “I can be quite guarded… afraid of being hurt…and am working on increasing my self love.”
Reads to me that what is keeping you from having a long term relationship is fear, not lack of self love.

You wrote: “I wonder if my independence is a turn off to other men”- maybe it is your efforts “to end things with the other person before it got too serious” that succeeds in turning off men.

You wrote: “I’m starting to second guess my intuition”- a definition of intuition: the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. Problem is, when fear is strong, fear is that “something immediate” in the definition.

There is a way, or there are ways to break through the fear and find love.

Does my reply speak to you?
anita

Dear Ellie:

I think I do. First thing is to respect your fear because it has a valid message: people have hurt you in the past (maybe still do). It could have been a parent whom you looked up to for love and protection who has hurt you. Hurt already happened and can easily happen again. There are abusive or otherwise, unloving people in the world. And lots. This means you have to evaluate any candidate for a close relationship before proceeding. It is only if you trust a man enough, that you will proceed.

How do you trust a man enough? By trusting your ability to correctly evaluate a man as safe- enough.

No guarantees, but competent ability on your part to evaluate a man will increase your chances for a safe and loving relationship many times over.

To evaluate a man, see the first few dates as a series of interviews of sorts. Ask, observe, listen. You can even take notes after the dates (and put together a document, of sorts, about what you are looking for in a man, editing and re-editing what you learn). When you are unclear about something he says, or you notice a contradiction, ask him to clarify. Not in a detective kind of questioning, of course.

What do you think so far?

anita

Dear Ellie:

You are welcome. I believe in competent psychotherapy as the place to explore and process the past. If it was only possible to simply “forgive fully and let it all go”-

Thing is, these past experiences exist in the present as connections in our brains. The past is literally part of our brain as it is now, not only as memories, dry memories, but in the form of emotions. Those emotions greatly influence our present. To explore, examine, process those emotions is like untying knots. Eventually, you are left with memories, but those emotional knots get untied, and you become untangled and free to “have meaningful, healthy relationships.”

Not all therapists are created equal. To find the right one, how do you go about it?

anita

Dear Ellie:

You are welcome. I do hope you find competent therapy. I have no experience with online therapy; I wonder how it can be helpful without the person-to-person contact.

You live in Northern Alaska (I live in WA state). You are an “extremely independent (single mom)” living in Northern Alaska. I wonder how it is to live so far north.

Regarding the guy you know for almost 20 years, and your feeling that he doesn’t have the same interest in you as you have in him, maybe he is extremely independent too, like you?

anita

Dear Ellie:

Online therapy may very well work for you, having a parallel experience as a Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP) online.

Maybe Chris appears not so interested in you but in reality, maybe, he is emotionally independent, not very needy. Often enough a person appears very interested because of a desperate neediness that gets confused with a personal interest. Maybe Chris and you can communicate as two emotionally independent people who have done well enough alone, for a long time.

And you are welcome, anytime.

anita

You are welcome, Ellie.
anita