Hello all,

This is my second forum post (woohoo!) and I’ve come a long way even in the few short days since my first post about anxiety. I’ve struggled with anxiety throughout my life — sometimes I forget it exists at all, and sometimes I’m so blindsighted by it and realize that it’s been controlling me for weeks or even months. When the anxiety kicks in all the other negative habits jump on board too. I feel guilty, ashamed, I’m far too critical of myself, I lack self-esteem, I lack self-confidence, I set myself up for failure, I fear and shame failure rather than realizing that it’s a necessary part of success. All these bad habits are things that I’ve worked through in the past and sometimes when things feel all lined up, when it feels like I’m on the right path, none of these negative habits are really present at all.

I’ve had the revelation before that when my anxiety comes out hard and strong it’s because things are “off”…my universe is slightly (or largely) out of line. Of course it would just be splendid if I could remember that history repeats itself like this for me, but it’s just so hard to see the whole picture sometimes. Let me back up and give you a full picture; others always tend to see the obvious even when it eludes you. I graduated from university smack in the middle of the great recession in 09, I bartended, did well, and eventually my partner and I bought a home together, started saving for retirement, opened our own business, and then even sold said business to get where we are now. You see, our dream –individual and shared — had always been to travel the world. We put all our energies into the steps needed to set up a successful business so that we could fulfill our dream of traveling “one day.” You know, when we retired. Well, one day we looked around and realized that if there was ever a perfect time to travel this was it. We realized how ludicrous it was to wait, and so we tied up loose ends with the business, rented our house through an agency, sold almost everything we owned (save for a 5’x10′ storage unit), and purchased two one-way tickets to Europe. We’ve been traveling since February and would have no end in sight, except that we have two adorable fluffy little pup-children that have been living at the grandpup-parents house since we left.

At first, this trip was everything I ever wanted. I was traveling the Mediterranean, drinking Spanish reds, fresh seafood, meeting new friends here and there (albeit not nearly as many as I had envisioned), everything was exactly as it should be. In one particular city I spent an amazing 4 weeks where everything in my life was “so in line” and I felt so connected to all my past and future selves that I even had an “omg, this exact place I’m in is just like a place on my original vision board. I’m standing like this, and you’re like that, and we look just like those people I used for my vision board!” I basked for weeks in the glory of “having arrived.”

I had fun through the next legs of my travels, but things progressively began to get out of alignment for me. I went through a dark and stormy time where nothing in my world seemed right. I searched for the source of my anxiety and old mental habits led me to examine my inner self since “everything in my life is perfect! Perfect!” I repeated this to myself manically, shutting off the possibility that I could want more in life.

I’m in a transition period, a time of trying to figure out what I want to come next in life and somehow I let myself forget that. It’s an amazing journey that I’m on, but it was never intended to be the sole purpose of my life. Has anyone else gone through this? It’s like you work and work to get to the point you’ve always dreamed of, and after a few months of being there, it’s like ok now what? I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I am extraordinarily fortunate and I give thanks for my many blessings every day. I’m talking about something more, though. A personal ambitious drive to do something of importance. To make an impact, to feel connected, to have a community. I’m 29 and have been in a 12 year relationship with my boyfriend, so maybe this is just my biological clock crying out, but I’m not quite ready to go down that road yet.

I am, however, ready to take on a new project and I’ve started looking to charity work to fill a bit of this void. I will be in Southeast Asia for a few months this fall and hope to give my time to those less fortunate, or perhaps work on a forest conservation project. Does anyone have experience in volunteer work? How do you know what kind of program will be right for you? Any insight will be appreciated. Hopefully I’m not the only one who feels this way from time to time 🙂