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Regi.
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April 26, 2018 at 7:03 pm #204451
PadawanParticipantHello community!
I am trying to find out what makes me look for the approval of two specific people in my work environment. In general I recognize that I want the approval of my peers and my supervisors. I feel good when I feel approved by the head of the department or by the seniors in my office. Now, there are two people in this environment who can really hit my approval nerves: I can see their flaws, I can also see that they are smart. The main treat I find bothersome is their sense of righteousness; and even though I can see their flows and I can see how this righteousness is just an expression of their insecurities and fears I am vulnerable to their approval. I want them to see that I am good, that I am smart, that even though we don’t agree sometimes that doesn’t mean that I am wrong. Sometimes one of them, my supervisor, behaves like a jerk and really makes me fee like am not good enough. Even though I see all that is wrong with them so clearly I still care, I still want them to treat me properly, I want them to be normal, so I can be normal around them or at least I want to stop caring!!! . So how could I stop caring about how these two people treat me or interact with me or others
April 27, 2018 at 4:53 am #204499
AnonymousGuestDear Padawan:
You wrote: “even though I can see their flaws… I am vulnerable to their approval… Even though I see all that is wrong with them so clearly I still care”-
I will share with you my experience and please let me know if you relate:
I care of being approved of by anyone and everyone. I was surprised at it myself, when I noticed it not long ago. Even if I do not approve of a particular person, even if I don’t value their wisdom and their values, I still want to be approved of by that person. It always feels good to me when I am liked (or approved of) and it always feels unpleasant to me when I am disliked, or disapproved of.
I figure this is a natural human thing. I think it comes from our inborn social animal genetics. For a social animal, to be disliked means to be excluded from the herd, or other social group. It doesn’t matter if we value the person doing the excluding. To be excluded is dangerous for a social animal, therefore to be disliked is scary.
What I do is pay attention to not act insincerely for the purpose of being liked and to remain true to myself in all my communications. And at the same time I still feel good when liked and badly when disliked, at least when I become aware that I am liked or disliked.
What do you think?
anita
April 27, 2018 at 6:18 am #204519
RegiParticipantI recognize my personal thinking pattern in your situation. My brother can be very mean sometimes but still, when he says something to me it gets to me more than it would if the same thing is said by someone else. I think it has to do with respect. I respect my brother because he’s smart, everyone knows he is. Therefore, when he says: good job Regi! it feels better than when anyone else would say: good job Regi.
If you find out how to change that, please tell me 😉 but like anita mentioned, it’s part of human nature. What I think is that this need of approval from certain people has a direct link with the amount of respect you feel for them.
Regi
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