I don’t even really know why I am writing this tonight. I guess I just need to vent to something, anything. I wouldn’t say anything is necessarily wrong in my life per se… but I just feel like I’m stuck on a ferris wheel that just keeps going round and round and won’t let me get off to enjoy other rides. My life is in the same place it was 3 years ago when I graduated high school. I’m still at the same job, still going to school, still have the same friends and still single. Granted I have had some amazing experiences and really fun times in those 3 years but in the end I’m still here and for some damn reason I cannot figure out why. I mean, I know why, I have to finish school because I’m on scholarship in college and I’m just waiting for it to be over with. At least that is my excuse. I have plenty of other things that I want to do in life but at the same time I don’t. It’s kind of hard to explain, I have always been a dreamer and reached for the stars and have wanted to do everything. I have lots of interests and I think it helps but it also hurts me. I want to do so many things, and they are not traditional things or careers that women normally want to do. Anyways, I just don’t know how to take that step or even what direction to go in to start changing things in my life to be happy and to do all those things I want to do. When I was young and in high school, I thought that life was rough and I wasn’t happy but that is nothing compared to now. I’m about to turn 21 in a couple days and I want to enjoy life, I mean these are supposed to be my years to be young and have fun! I hardly do that anymore, I always imagined that I would have all these new friends from college and I would be having those times of my life but it’s definitely not like that. And I sure as hell have tried to change things in my life and I’ve tried to experience new things and new places but every time I try I just get shut down and turned around. These last couple months have been some of the worst. First I tried to do an exchange program though my school to go to a different college somewhere else, I dropped $200 bucks for the application and what happens? I get rejected from all five schools I applied to. I even tried calling after I got rejected but nope. The door shut down hard on that one. Then I try to get an internship in California and I get hooked up with this girl who was an alumni at my school and she says she can definitely get me a job so I got really excited to get out of here and then the next day she gets sketchy and says she can’t help me out. Then I try to go live with my friend that I haven’t seen in over a year who lives in California and he’s down and we have plans. I’m booking the flight and ask him if he can pick me up from the airport and what does he do? He tells me his roommate isn’t cool with it and I would need to find a place of my own if I’m coming out there, when I’m only going out there to hang out with him and look for job. So basically, it’s like the UNIVERSE is telling me “NO, YOU HAVE TO STAY WHERE YOU ARE FOREVER!” It’s like no new experiences for me, no nothing. The very last thing I wanted for my last summer before my senior year in college was to stay in this town and work at the same job that I have been at for 7 years now. Like seriously, WTF am I supposed to do? Sometimes I literally just want to give up and stop trying so hard to live my dreams. I know these aren’t like serious problems but I’m just so tired and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. So I guess I’m asking what do you do to push through these hard times when the world just keeps shutting you down? I’m a positive person and I always believe things will turn out for the better but it’s just so hard sometimes… I’m still looking for that light.