Home→Forums→Tough Times→Loosing your livelihood
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November 8, 2016 at 3:10 pm #119959
Learning
Participant`For about a year now I have been unemployed, when I lost my job I felt like I hit rock bottom, between my spouse and myself I have been the only to have a steady job. We have one child and I was never the type of person to depend on anyone for anything. Loosing my job meant to me that I lost my livelihood, how was I now going to take care of my child support him with the basic necessities, without having a job how was I going to pay my bills, buy food, or afford our apartment. I felt responsible to hold it together and I couldnt rely on my spouse to do this based on his unsteadiness. My in laws have accepted us into their apartment which is already cramped, and I feel like I am a burden to them having my family here. Now I’m in the position where I have to depend and I hate this. I felt like a failure. I applied and applied to numerous jobs and nothing. I have however decided to look at my unemployment as a time for some self reflection. I have taken this time to work on my self, be more mindful, worry less, appreciate more, have a better relationship with my in laws, improve communication with my parents, and just love myself more. But working on myself is one thing and being able to provide for my family is another, how do I remain positive when I can’t support my son myself, with the everyday necessities. I try to help my mil as much as I can around the house, but sometimes I feel like me being around is a constant reminder to her of the burden that my family is to her and her family. I hate that I am unable to contribute financially and give back. How can I help more.
November 8, 2016 at 6:50 pm #119966Anonymous
GuestDear learning:
In the past you referred to the father of your child as a “significant other” and here, you referred to him as your spouse. In your posts though you wrote very little about him. Here you mentioned his unsteadiness. Is he not working or sometimes working… is he not interested in moving out of his parents? Are you and him not partners working for a common goal: living independently of his parents, as a family?
I am asking because you asked: “How can I help more”- I am wondering if you are functionally on your own or one of a team of two? And “help more” – pay rent to his parents, you mean? Or move out?
anita
November 8, 2016 at 8:58 pm #119970Learning
ParticipantDear anita,
Thanks for your feedback, spouse, significant other, he’s both. I say unsteady because he sometimes work. He’s constantly in and out of jobs because he’s trying to figure out what exactly he wants to do career wise, so I guess I understand to an extent, but I sometimes wish he would hold something down longer or make a sacrifice by sticking with something for a while till he finds something better just so the pressure wouldn’t be on one person. But then I don’t want him to be doing something he dislikes in the long run, so I try to be supportive. I guess he’s comfortable being back by his parents, because it doesn’t seem to have motivated him any extra to find something that he likes and wants to do. And I think his parents looks at this as laziness. I ask how can I help because I don’t want them to think this of me as well since it’s been hard for me to find work also. So I try to help out with chores, but i feel like it’s not enough and feel I can be more of a help if I contributed financially as well, meaning if I could also help out with bills, rent food, I understand how important those things are. We are partners we do want the same things our own place to be independent. But in order to do that we have to save, and I feel help my inlaws as well, as it would be the respectful thing to do.November 9, 2016 at 11:39 am #119994Anonymous
GuestDear Learning:
It is very … nice of you to want to help your in laws, very responsible. I admire that. But do keep in mind that they- your mother in law for one- may not appreciate it if you did help. Quite amazing of an idea, isn’t it? But it may very well be so. Maybe she will even dislike it because your financial contribution would make her less powerful in-her-own mind, less… justified to talk to you from a position of power and authority.
You are very understanding of your partner. If you apply pressure on him to find a job and stay with it, he may not like it and get angry at you. Is it so?
Did you have a talk with him, a gentle as can be talk, about him enduring some distress by sticking to a job so that the three of you can move out? I also wonder: how does he spend his time?
anita
November 9, 2016 at 12:45 pm #120001Learning
ParticipantWaw anita another insightful reply thank you. I did sort of feel like she dislikes me helping out around the house but she never said it to me it was just based of her energy and mood when I would. She has said to me in the past she wished her son had picked someone different, because before in the past she said I don’t cook, clean or help out. I never felt comfortable doing those things because she was specific in wanting things done her way and I didn’t know how to get around that. So this time around I made it a priority to be better and do things differently. I now ask questions and make sure whatever I’m helping with its done the way she likes it. But some how even me doing this I feel makes her uncomfortable, and I trigger her into a bad mood. It’s never enough. She says do more. I guess I do have to work on gently mentioning to my partner about trying to stick with something, but I always get angry when it comes to speaking about it because I felt like he didn’t try hard enough, and my anger gets a hold of what I want to say. He spends his time not being proactive in seeking employment and always mentions to me that I need to hurry up and get a job. I’ve done this before and still he would not make an effort. I guess he looks at me as a “sugar moma” so to speak. But I’m done doing things the way I did, it didn’t get me anywhere.
November 9, 2016 at 1:32 pm #120004Anonymous
GuestDear Learning:
You wrote about your mother in law: “before in the past she said I don’t cook, clean or help out.” So you thought her motivation was that you do cook, clean and help out. Wrong figuring: her motivation, seems to be to make you feel bad. Same motivation she had telling you: “she wished her son had picked someone different.”
So you helped out around the house but she is still uncomfortable because helping out, you took away from her one way to make you feel bad.
Clearly, if you worked and contributed financially, you would be taking away from her a way to make you feel bad. When you figure out people’s true motivation, you have the information you need about how to proceed.
I wish your significant other had a more … significant role in your life, that is, the role of a partner.
I don’t know where you go from here, Learning. Do you?
anita
November 9, 2016 at 2:37 pm #120013Learning
ParticipantNo I’m stuck. But whenever things lighten up I will be sure to update. Thanks again Anita. I’m greatful to just have somewhere to come and get my thoughts out, its better than keeping it all in.
November 9, 2016 at 6:11 pm #120020Anonymous
GuestDear Learning:
I understand. I am glad that you have a place here to get your thoughts out. Please do post anytime. I am glad to read from you every time you post!
anita
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