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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)
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  • #123619

    Learning
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your kind words. I’m am really happy a special place like tiny Buddha exsist, a place I can come to when I need answers, and give me peace of mind. Therapy for the soul.

    #123512

    Learning
    Participant

    Ah I see. I do have to be more selective in what I share with her because it’s not really helping me connect with her. Thanks anita

    #123490

    Learning
    Participant

    I didn’t look at it that way as her wanting to use material against me. It has taken me a while to understand her personality and who she is, I try to see the good in her, I hoped she would do the same for me, but not everyone works that way I’m learning that. As for her son, she does want him in her life and also wants him to be more open, but he says she has a hard time accepting some of the things that he says, so he rather not share. Thanks again Anita.

    #123481

    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks again Anita. I always feel enlightened every time I read any responses on here. It truly means a lot. I guess it was my way of trying to connect with her because she said I was very guarded when she met me, and that she was unable to bond with me because I wasn’t an open person. So through out the years of knowing her I tried to be as open and honest as much as I could so she could see they reason why her son loves me. But it didn’t work instead all I got from her was I wish my son picked someone else. I am amazed Anita by how well you know my mil from what have shared and you never met her, you are great at reading people, have you ever considered working for the FBI, lol. Thank you again.

    #123456

    Learning
    Participant

    Anita you never fail me with your advice, you always hit it right on the nail. Thank you. And you are thoughtful for remembering my previous post I appreciate that. Your are right her intent was not to hear an honest answer but to give her answer that she wanted to hear instead which was she was not difficult. I have to remind my self that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and i need to stop waiting for her acceptance I don’t need it. I accept myself and I love me that’s what’s important. Thanks Anita always nicely to hear from you.

    #123108

    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

    #120013

    Learning
    Participant

    No I’m stuck. But whenever things lighten up I will be sure to update. Thanks again Anita. I’m greatful to just have somewhere to come and get my thoughts out, its better than keeping it all in.

    #120001

    Learning
    Participant

    Waw anita another insightful reply thank you. I did sort of feel like she dislikes me helping out around the house but she never said it to me it was just based of her energy and mood when I would. She has said to me in the past she wished her son had picked someone different, because before in the past she said I don’t cook, clean or help out. I never felt comfortable doing those things because she was specific in wanting things done her way and I didn’t know how to get around that. So this time around I made it a priority to be better and do things differently. I now ask questions and make sure whatever I’m helping with its done the way she likes it. But some how even me doing this I feel makes her uncomfortable, and I trigger her into a bad mood. It’s never enough. She says do more. I guess I do have to work on gently mentioning to my partner about trying to stick with something, but I always get angry when it comes to speaking about it because I felt like he didn’t try hard enough, and my anger gets a hold of what I want to say. He spends his time not being proactive in seeking employment and always mentions to me that I need to hurry up and get a job. I’ve done this before and still he would not make an effort. I guess he looks at me as a “sugar moma” so to speak. But I’m done doing things the way I did, it didn’t get me anywhere.

    #119970

    Learning
    Participant

    Dear anita,
    Thanks for your feedback, spouse, significant other, he’s both. I say unsteady because he sometimes work. He’s constantly in and out of jobs because he’s trying to figure out what exactly he wants to do career wise, so I guess I understand to an extent, but I sometimes wish he would hold something down longer or make a sacrifice by sticking with something for a while till he finds something better just so the pressure wouldn’t be on one person. But then I don’t want him to be doing something he dislikes in the long run, so I try to be supportive. I guess he’s comfortable being back by his parents, because it doesn’t seem to have motivated him any extra to find something that he likes and wants to do. And I think his parents looks at this as laziness. I ask how can I help because I don’t want them to think this of me as well since it’s been hard for me to find work also. So I try to help out with chores, but i feel like it’s not enough and feel I can be more of a help if I contributed financially as well, meaning if I could also help out with bills, rent food, I understand how important those things are. We are partners we do want the same things our own place to be independent. But in order to do that we have to save, and I feel help my inlaws as well, as it would be the respectful thing to do.

    #119386

    Learning
    Participant

    Waw anita thanks again for that. I needed that. It was like you connected the missing piece to the puzzle. You opened my eyes. Thank you. I never looked at it as her treating me as part of the family by being herself. Now that you said that, I can see that she treats me like she would her own daughters or her son, and I should not feel some type away about it. It was hard to me to accept being treated this way because my family dynamic was different from my mil. I am under the same rule as you put it, I’m no different. Thank you for this anita I feel like I can move pass this now, you have given me closure.

    #119336

    Learning
    Participant

    Dear anita,
    I would say her husband is submissive to her, he just goes along with what she says to make it easier on himself, if he disagrees then she will be angry and upset. Her son my significant other is quite the opposite, he makes his own choices he has a mind of his own. Growing up he was close to her but when he hit adult hood they grew apart, mainly because he chose not to confine in his mother anymore and decided to do things for himself. She disliked this greatly and tells him that she feels closer to her daughters and not him because he makes decisions for himself instead of hearing her perspective. Her daughters who are adults never go against their mother for she would not forgive them. He said before when he opened up to her she would judge him and be upset, so he stopped sharing with her.

    #119303

    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita and inky,
    Anita,
    What you said about my mom and being closed of from her makes sense. I guess I’m still looking for that connection with her and I understand why I seek that in my mil as well. But for my own well being its best to keep some distance from both my mom and my mil. I needed to hear a different perspective. You also asked does she sometimes give you bits of esteem, just to keep you needing her esteem. She does off and on tell me that she considers me family, and she “loves” me and I believed her to an extent..but whenever we have conflicts she is quick to dismiss that I am family, and says she needs to keep me far, and I am not her daughter but another mans child so she can look at me that way. She says only her children, husband and grandson is her family. So I don’t think she considers me family based on what she says. Not sure if answered your question. Can you please explain What you mean by esteem. Thanks.

    Inky,
    Thanks for your perspective. You made a point when you said my mil was not helpful or kind even if she thought she was truthful. After speaking to my mil and trying to open up to her I end up feeling worst about myself, and wonder why it is that I even said anything to her. I have to realize that me and her are not ever going to have a bond or connection we are just too different, I am open minded and she is not.

    #119284

    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your response it was short and to the point. You always know what to say. You make the experience on tiny Buddha helpful, because I feel like I can be open here and not judged. I’m trying to be closer to my mother because I understand life short and I want to make the best of the time we are given. I am trying to be more supportive but given our history it’s something I’m working on, I fear if I’m open and she leans on me I too will suffer from anxiety and will start worrying about things I cannot control, I was like this before and worked hard on changing myself and worring less, I would like to be more open but have difficulties doing this because I fear being judged. I know that what people think about me is none of my business and i have no control over what they’re thinking. I kick myself in the butt after opening up to my mil because I feel like we get no where, and she ends up judging me, or speaking about me to her daughters and then they change the way they act around me. I try to open up to her because I crave her acceptance..why? I feel like an alien sometimes. That’s something I have to work on also. I thought I accepted the fact that not everyone I meet in my life will like me or connect with me, but I have a hard time accepting this from my mil and her family.

    #118880

    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks to all for your responses you all made excellent points. I live in America but I’m from Trinidad, so culture wise it’s important if your are with someone and have kids together you have to be married or you will be looked down on as the saying goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, I hate that saying. I’m not against marriage I think it’s a beautiful thing, and if two people make that choice to put it on paper that’s their choice. I just don’t feel that it makes a difference for me since we have both been committed to each other for so long already and my son see us together and we are happy.when he does get older I am prepared to answer his questions, and it’s his choice ultimately what he does I will be there to support him.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Learning.
    #118879

    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for taking the time to read back to my previous post that means a lot. I’m trying to distance this feeling of attachment I feel towards my mil. Thank you

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)