October 24, 2016 at 12:48 pm #118835LearningParticipant
Dear tiny Buddha I’ve been conflicted with wanting to get married and wondering if it’s for everyone for a while now. Culturally it’s important for when people have kids they get married, and frownd upon if you don’t in example your kids will be called basterds for the fact that they were born out of wed lock. So my parents have been married for a long time now and they are still together yet it seems like they are in a love less marriage, no affection, no communication just growing old together. When I was little I entertained the idea of marriage and it was definietly something I envisioned form myself. I’m 28 now and I’ve been with my spouse for over 13 years and we have a son together, I’m happy and I love where we are at, and my idea of marriage has changed its not something I seek anymore or feel it’s necessary once both of you are committed to each other. But then I thought about my son,will us not being married affect him as he gets older, will kids make fun of him will they call him a bastard? I Think of it this way while he grows and continues to see his parents together and happy will being married make a difference? Marriage now I think is different from when my parents got married. What are your thoughts? Btw our parents hate us not being married, and they find it offensive if we were to have more kids and still not get married.October 24, 2016 at 11:50 pm #118862Nina SakuraParticipant
Well here are my two cents –
Indeed there is that social elememt to marriage more so in Asian communities where not being married is considered strange, especially for a girl. In Sweden, I have observed domestic partnership is more prevelant as getting married is expensive. So children aren’t termed “bastards” there. Now I don’t know know where you are from, so I can’t comment on this but it’s a cultural thing first of all and varies.
Secondly, the idea of marriage provides legal proof of the commitment and officially ties assests together after a point. Sometimes that means people are forced to stay together even when the relationship is no longer working thanks to the contract and family pressure. Divorces do happen of course but its a source of protection financially for women and children in particular vis-a-vis the unmarried cases.
Your concern about lack of love and companionship – this can happen in any relationship actually over time. Marriage isn’t some voodoo thing that makes relationships go wrong – it’s the equation between the people that changed or soured. You guys have been together and faithful for so long, have a child and life already – so worrying that it will be same as your parents thanks to marriage makes no sense but the most valid point I can think of is this –
The child and society : they also have to face the brunt of things. Adults have sense to differentiate but kids don’t during the growing years especially in a society that doesn’t accept this as norm. They may just call him things worse than bastard and he will have lot of questions about why you chose this path ans why you arent like other mommy, daddies..so keep good answers ready.
In the end, it’s between the two of you – I don’t think marriage is for everyone though, I am referring to the ones who are commitment phobics, can’t adjust in life etc
Otherwise it’s problematic to remain so when the child is also there and your country has blurry provisions, parents don’t quite agree.
What do you think?
NinaOctober 25, 2016 at 2:00 am #118865Rock BananaParticipant
Of course marriage isn’t for everyone. The people you are coming across have rules in their mind telling them that this is how reality “should” operate. But these “shoulds” are out of whack with reality itself because you are living your life and making the choices you want to make, which you have every right to do. If they get offended about that they are offending themselves. I don’t know where you live but I think you’re not seeing the bigger picture of what is acceptable in the world, just because these few people have a problem with the way you want to live your life doesn’t mean that would be generally frowned upon in the wider world. BTW, if it were frowned upon in the wider world, so what. You are not hurting anybody. You are living your life and they are working themselves up about it due to rules which are not anything to do with you (they probably had these rules about marriage before they ever met you, it’s not personal).October 25, 2016 at 4:44 am #118875InkyParticipant
The way I see it it’s like you’re ALREADY married. Some states have “Common Law” where if you’ve been together, say, seven years you have the same legal/financial rights as any married couple.
I will say there IS a place for, and reason for marriage. It made everything legitimate in a legal/financial/estate sense. So that everything would go to your spouse and children, not to some outsider. Especially in the old days. These days, not so much, BUT enough that it could matter to a judge.
And marriage does change things on a spiritual level. I’ve worked with clients who were legally divorced, but not spiritually divorced. What you bind on earth IS bound in heaven. Take away from that what you will.
Your discomfort either stems from you actually want to marry the guy, OR you are socially bucking the trend so much that you’re feeling it.
October 25, 2016 at 7:50 am #118880LearningParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
Thanks to all for your responses you all made excellent points. I live in America but I’m from Trinidad, so culture wise it’s important if your are with someone and have kids together you have to be married or you will be looked down on as the saying goes why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, I hate that saying. I’m not against marriage I think it’s a beautiful thing, and if two people make that choice to put it on paper that’s their choice. I just don’t feel that it makes a difference for me since we have both been committed to each other for so long already and my son see us together and we are happy.when he does get older I am prepared to answer his questions, and it’s his choice ultimately what he does I will be there to support him.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Learning.