Dear, readers

so less then a day ago in other words last night me and my friends all of us are ages between 13-15 I’m 14 turning 15 soon and there were five of us  and we decided to do something really stupid and reckless which led to lots of consequences later. Basically when everyone came at around 6ish me and my friends wanted to try weed two of my friends arrived late and didn’t know about this until we told them. (Awhile back me and two of my other friends were just joking around and were saying how we want to at least try it once together.) Everyone was also sleeping over. My friend suggested on our group chat because she was smoking earlier and had some left over that she had got from her boyfriend and I was a bit on edge about it my other friend wanted to try it too but she was a bit on edge later on.

When my other two friends came we left an hour after and met up with my friends boyfriend who is 18 and we all tried and took a few puffs and then went home quickly. The day before though we were all talking about how we wanted to try alcohol for the first time but it wasn’t decided and we didn’t think we were gonna go through with it. But before we left to smoke weed we quickly went and grabbed some tequila, coolers and rum and hid it in our bags. At 11:00 p.m. we started drinking it was all fine at worst but I was just getting really emotional and general so me and my one friend left the room and also went to go change my other friend came and chilled with us in the other room too.

Then all of a sudden my other friend ran into the room we were in and told us our other friend wouldn’t stop puking. I was quite buzzed so my friends wouldn’t let me leave and go help her so i just avoided them and quickly went. When I came in my friend that was puking was covered in her throw up and was unconscious she had drank a bit of each liquor we had, I had drank the same amount as her. I tried flipping her on her side and she kept puking so at this point we went and got my mom and sister to help us. As i was helping my friend that was puking my dad came in and i started having hallucinations and a panic attack and freaking out everyone kept trying to calm me down but I couldn’t control it and kept crying and having meltdowns.

I went into the bathroom later as I was still buzzed and tried hurting myself my friend walked in and turned super pale and my dad came and sister started freaking out but my injuries weren’t to severe. As they were trying to calm me down I passed out 4-5 times overall. Two of my friends parents arrived and helped too and we ended up calling the ambulance and they came. We ended up having to tell them about the weed and where we got it from and my friend started panicking balling her eyes out since it was her boyfriend who got it for us. my friend who was puking went home and my parents had to help her to the car and drive home.

And we found out the weed and alcohol didn’t mix well and that’s why she got so sick she was unconscious the entire time and couldn’t even stand on her own. I had to go to the paramedics so they could examine my injuries and explained to them what happened. After my friend who has the boyfriend was still panicking and just worrying about her boyfriend and she went home too.

My other two friends stayed since their parents were sleeping and we all just cried the entire night and in the morning. My mom explained to both of there parents that had happen. They were also super disappointed and angry which is no surprise.

And now my mom and sister is saying that I have to keep my distance from the girl that was puking and the one with the boyfriend the other two are fine but I doubt there parents will ever trust me again or let us hangout:( And I know it sounds stupid but I don’t want to have to keep my distance and not be able to hang with them I know what happened was really horrible but we’re kids and are still learning, even though we should’ve known better.

My mom thinks my two friends are a bad influence now and my other two friends are fine though since they were alert the entire night. I later then even texted each of the parents except one since I’m not close with her mom and apologized a lot. I feel so crappy and I’ve felt so so depressed all day and everyone else is somewhat ok but I’m not and I’ve been ignoring them all because honestly I dont even know what I’m supposed to say.

I’m hurting so much because of this and its all my fault and my friend could’ve easily aspirated and pass away and it would’ve been all on me I don’t want to talk or see anyone for awhile because I don’t deserve to and I feel like absolute crap. I know everyone else will get over it but I don’t think I ever will be able too. I’m avoiding everyone right now and I am so so emotionally disturbed and just feel dead. I’ve been crying all day and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel or even get through this. I’m supposed to go apologize in person but I don’t know what to say and still can’t process what the hell happened it feels like a nightmare I’m stuck and feel like crap and numb at the same time.

I know this may not seem like the end of the world to other people but it is a huge deal for me and I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going and get over this I feel sick to my stomach and it could’ve turned out so much worse. The worst part is I have most likely lost myself, my friends, mine and other parents trust all to our stupid decision that could’ve gotten us into way more trouble. I don’t know how to get through this or what to feel anymore. So please if anyone has any advice don’t be afraid to respond because I’m stuck and really need it right now.