Hi There,

I have posted a couple of times here and I have been pondering my situation for the past 2 years. I am currently trying to heal from anxiety & depression which has been a major implication in my life over the past 2 years, I had always been anxious but I moved into a place of my own at 19 I hit rock bottom which resulted in a ‘personal crisis’ is what i call it or a mental breakdown, i literally couldnt function normaly, live normaly or function in social situations, i had severe anxiety. since then i have been researching, reading, seeing talk therapists and basically doing what i can to improve this within myself, i have gained alot of insight about the subject and how it may have all come about. I am still getting through it and I have made progress when i step back and look in, though i am still very focused on trying to ‘fix’ what is wrong here within me, I had never really been depressed I dont think but over the past month this feeling has set in alot for me, coming and going in waves. But the thing that is still on my mind and has been since all of this started is how can someone who was once in a very high and loving place end up in such an opposite state, negative, scared, critical and doubtful?

I left home at 16 to study makeup, upon my first month or so on my own (flatting with others) I expirienced a few things that may not been dealt with right at the time.. (im not doing a ‘woe is me’ here) but so im more clear, i went to a party where i didnt really know many people, only one friend who i have known since the age of 14 who didnt really stick by me that night (and never had in the past) one of his friends spiked my drink and i was beaten up by some girls i dont even remember the faces of at the party for being a guy in the bathroom apparently half naked which i do not remember how or why (i had only had 2 drinks that night) but the next day i had a busted lip and lump on my head and remember having a few tearful breakdowns and being fearful on buses each time a female stepped on, I also had a car crash that year which was a shock, and before id left home was experiencing invasive, anxious and scary thoughts (i think it was the onset of anxiety) i moved to ‘get away’ from it. after these things i got kicked out of my apartment where i had been staying and moved in with my uncle and aunty (amazing couple, beautiful home) i had a feeling of impending doom and the vision of a downward sprial if i let these events and what was going on with me inside effect me, so i decided to shut it out, i read the secret, and rememhe day it hit me on the bus when i realised, we are all one.. it was an enlightening expirience, in that moment i felt overwhelmed with love, non-judgment, acceptance and gratitude.. This sparked something in me and from then onwards i dont recall feeling asnegative as i did days before – i felt full of hope, inspiration, love, excitement, joy and wonder in every moment of my life, i decided who i wanted to be as a person and i was compassionate, open, encouraging and loving towards everyone i came into contact with, i wanted to make a difference in peoples lives and it was exciting for me, i rarely slept as i worked alot, but i still had all the energy in the world, i was starting out as a freelance makeup artist and i was sooo passionate and excited about the future, it was a different person to the person i see and feel i am now. The expirience was exactly as i put it in words, i truly felt enlightened or had expirienced enlightment at that time in my life, it was amazing i saw so much beauty in the world and had love for everyone around me including myself, i would dress down, but people would comment on how beautiful i was as a person, how happy and courageous i was. Since the ‘crisis’ i expirienced i have been longing for that feeling again, wondering where it went and why it went.. was it actual enlightmenet and spiritual awakening or an authentic realization if it can slip away from me like that? why did it dissapear? I moved out into my own apartment when all of this happened after living with a good guy friend of mine whom i fell for and he didnt want to be with me, little confusing for me at the time but i was hurt so i decided to move away – do things on my own, i worked in a job i once wanted so badly and loved so much, which started to become bland boring and difficult to show up to each day. If i wasnt a mess before that short time of happiness i was definately a mess at that point living on my own.

I guess im adding that info in to give a bit of a picture and more insight, but im basically wondering how and WHY do these beautiful feelings fade? I feel as though I have lost myself and i may never be that person again or feel those wonderful feelings again. I stopped being able to talk to people because i was so anxious i became socially awkward and extremly shy and hidden, socially challenged i would say (which i wasn’t before, but was still a little on the shy side, not to this extreme) it has improved but im still baffled. What happened, does this happen and why? I would love some insight – i feel like a different person and im longing still for those feelings again. it has been too long and i have pretty much lost sight of it 🙁 thought grateful i can still remember the feeling of love. I just feel so messy anxious, gloomy and moody these days and it brings me to tears because i know this is not what i want, it is not how i want to live my life at all.

Thank you so much x