Home→Forums→Relationships→Lost in long term relationship
- This topic has 18 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
March 9, 2019 at 2:58 pm #283821LuluParticipant
Hi. I’m new to this, although I’ve read the posts many times. This is a first for me to request advice, I could really do with some impartial input. I have been with my partner for almost 27 years, living together for 26 of those, more than half of my life. We have had many happy times, but there has always been an underlying feeling of a lack of commitment & attention from his side. I am an outgoing person & enjoy time to myself to visit family & friends & the fact that he wasn’t clingy was good for me. However I am beginning to feel like he is really not making any effort to connect in our relationship. Very emotionally detached I would say. I have suggested over the years that we should make a commitment, to which he is very against. I have also explained that his very little attention toward me upsets me, he replies with “You get enough attention from other people”. We had a bit of a falling out on Feb 14th Valentines day, as he barely bothered to say goodbye to me before he left for work. I asked him that evening why he felt the need to be so abrupt with me, he just replied he was too busy. So I did not give him the lovely card I had picked out for him, as I felt he didn’t deserve it. Since then he hasn’t spoken to me at all, except good morning/ evening. I went away to visit my family & some close friends for 4 days this week & did not tell him I was going. I would never normally do this, never have before (although he has) but I felt desperate to get away & wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine so to speak. I don’t agree with not telling him, but I wanted to test his reaction, I know this sounds immature of me & like I say, something I would never normally do. It turns out he wasn’t remotely bothered. He didn’t message or call during those 4 days to find out if I was alive. lol. Kind of confirms his general lack of caring about me. I don’t know where to go from here. I raised the issue many times, that if he would rather be on his own, we can sell our property & go our separate ways, he just shuts down all communication. I’m on week 4 of the silent treatment, which he knows causes me distress. I am also dealing with a lot of emotional upset, as my Mum has cancer & has been having treatment for the past year. She is the world to me. Besides this I am dealing with a very badly behaved alchoholic brother, who lives quite close to me. I feel so alone, as all my close friends & family live the other side of the country. My best friend who lived here died of cancer 10 years ago. So I don’t really have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. Any advice would be much appreciated.
March 9, 2019 at 3:26 pm #283837AnonymousGuestDear Lulu:
I would like to understand your situation better, therefore I ask:
1. You said that the two of you had “a bit of a falling out on Valentine Day. Does it mean there was an argument or a fight that day, and if so, what was the nature of the argument?
2. When you left for four days, do you think that he assumed that you went to visit family and friends, that he figured that is where you went, maybe because you visit family for a few days per visit on a regular basis?
* I will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours. If you reply I will read from you and respond when I am back to the computer. I hope you feel better soon.
anita
March 9, 2019 at 4:24 pm #283839LuluParticipantHi Anita. Thankyou for your reply.
It wasn’t a falling out to begin with. He left for work without saying goodbye (he would usually kiss my head, even if I was asleep). When he got home, I asked him why he didn’t say goodbye, acknowledge me in the morning (I was up & about), he said he didn’t have time. It then turned into a falling out, as he doesn’t like discussing relationship issues. I told him that even when I am in a rush, there is always a few seconds to say goodbye. I wasn’t confrontational & was calm when I spoke to him in the evening. He got very irate, told me I was shouting (I wasn’t) & that I was crazy. He uses the silent treatment to avoid discussing any problems we may be having and has been very emotionally distant from me for some time. After a few days of silent treatment from him. I suggested calmly that we owe it to each other to have a conversation about things. So we sat together for a couple of hours. He suggested that we talk about general stuff, rather than our relationship, to avoid an argument. I chatted about my week, my visit with my nephew, work, my time spent with my brother. He half listened, which is normal for him. I can tell because 10 mins later he questions me about something I have already told him. He often isn’t fully present. But no return conversation about his week & what he has been doing. I have to almost squeeze the information from him. He is always very vague about what he has been doing. I said that I felt the conversation was very one way & I didn’t want to share everything with him, if he is not happy to share with me. This made him very agitated again. Since then 3 more weeks of silent treatment & I have slept in the other room.
I’m sure he did assume that I had gone to visit family & friends for a few days. Although it does ring alarm bells that he didn’t know for sure & didn’t seem at all bothered. I arrived home last night & he looked almost shocked to see me.
I really appreciate your time & look forward to your response Anita.
Best wishes, Lulu.
March 9, 2019 at 7:26 pm #283855MarkParticipantLulu,
I’m curious after all this time with your partner, Question #1: why are you so bothered now?
You are saying that you want more “commitment” and attention. Question #2: What did commitment look like to you?
Question #3: If he never really has given you attention and you have been ok with it before then what has changed for you now?
I can better respond once you answer these questions.
Mark
March 10, 2019 at 3:53 am #283921LuluParticipantHi Mark. Thankyou for your response.
I have always been bothered to an extent. The first few years he was very attentive, but not clingy. I am not a person that needs to be showered in attention, but I do need the basics. Every so often I have said that I am feeling unwanted/ ignored. He then says he understands how I feel, and he will try harder. He does for a while, then things go back to usual. His actions do not match his words a lot of the time.
More commitment I mean a civil partnership, or marriage. I would be happy with us making wills, if he is not up for that level of commitment. He tells me he is organizing it about 2 or 3 years ago. Then nothing happens. We have lived together all this time & I feel I have no security. Although I have paid half the mortgage. He has a son from before we met, who he has never kept in contact with. I have tried to encourage him to make contact over the years. He shuts down again & refuses to talk.
I have always wanted more commitment, he hasn’t. We are now both getting older and for me it is becoming an issue. If anything were to happen to him, half of my home would have to go to his son and I would have to sell up and move. It has also been on my mind more since my Mum has been ill, it made me maybe evaluate things more. I would have also liked to make sure that he is ok (safe in his home) if something happens to me.
I really do love him with all my heart. I just do not feel like my needs are being met anymore.
Thankyou for your input Mark.
March 10, 2019 at 6:06 am #283923LuluParticipant… I would also say that we are spending less & less time together, which doesn’t help. He is very often home very late from work. Does not let me know till last minute most of the time. He has a very busy job, which I have always been supportive of. Although when he is not at work, he fills his time by going for drinks after work, every weekend doing his own thing, travelling to football matches, friends, meetings, community work. He makes no time for our relationship anymore.
March 10, 2019 at 7:46 am #283929AnonymousGuestDear Lulu:
Mark has asked you the very same questions I had in mind after I submitted to you my post of yesterday. Your answers to his questions help me understand better. This is therefore my understanding at this point:
You met your partner in your early or mid twenties. A year after, the two of you moved in together and have been living together for 26 years. Three years ago you asked him to initiate legal papers to be drawn so that in case of his death before yours, his half of the house will be yours, instead of going to his estranged son. That way, you will not have to sell the house and be left with half of the proceeds (minus extra legal fees, I imagine). He said he will do so, but hasn’t.
In the last year, your mother has been sick with cancer, and you are afraid of losing her. If I understand correctly she lives on the other side of the country, as well as all your family members except for your brother who is “a very badly behaved alcoholic”. You are lonely and more in more need of emotional support than before. Your partner’s distance is more noticeable for you, more distressing than before.
Reads to me that your partner was a very lonely child, that there was a lot of conflict in his childhood home, that his mother or another adult in the home shouted at him and acted crazy. (“He got very irate, told me I was shouting (I wasn’t) & that I was crazy”- reads like a projection of his childhood experience, if indeed you didn’t shout at him and were not in the habit of shouting at him).
His reaction to his childhood home of conflict and aggression is to go to any length so to avoid conflict. He avoids it in these ways: he is “Very emotionally detached… just shuts down all communication… doesn’t like discussing relationship issues… uses the silent treatment to avoid discussing any problems… talk about general stuff, rather than our relationship, to avoid argument… half listened, which is normal for him… often isn’t fully present… always very vague about what he has been doing”-
-the less he shares with you, the less he talks with you, the less he listens and is present in a conversation, the less he notices potential conflict and the safer he feels. His primary motivation in the context of the relationship with you is to avoid conflict. He is afraid of disagreements, of demands, of arguments, of shouting.
It is possible that on your end, your mother (or another adult in your childhood home) was clingy with you, demanding too much of your attention, burdening you with her/ his needs, and so you needed distance. This may be why you chose and stayed, for 27 yeas, with a man with whom “there has always been an underlying feeling of a lack of commitment & attention from his side”-
– a “lack of .. attention” can be a relief and a sense of freedom for a person who has suffered too much attention from a parent, too much of the wrong kind of attention, the selfish kind.
I would like to communicate with you further after receiving your thoughts about what I typed here.
anita
March 10, 2019 at 8:45 am #283941LuluParticipantHi Anita. Thankyou for you reply.
Yes, I met him when I was 21/22 years old & living together 26 years. Yes about 3 years ago his family ( 2 sisters & Dad) started contact with his son again, after 30 years or so. They all kept this secret from me, until his sister slipped to me during a telephone conversation. I said that I was very happy for them & that I felt it would also be a good thing for my partner to reconnect with his son. Although he has decided against it to date, as far as I know. I think it has more to do with his ex partner (mother of son) as she was angry with him & said she knew where we lived & wanted to turn up on our doorstep. This started me worrying more about our living arrangements & what could happen in the future.
I agree I have been feeling very lonely & since my Mum has been ill, I have been in need of more emotional support. She lives the other end of the country. I go every couple of months to visit her & talk to her every other day on the telephone. I have one brother who lives just 15 minutes away. But he has been a constant drain on my energy for the past 20 years since he moved here. He was a heroin addict & has been an alcoholic for decades. I would have cut him off many years ago, but he has a son, my nephew, who is now 16 and was adopted. He was born addicted & went into foster care as a baby. His mother committed suicide. I wanted to adopt my nephew (my partner was dead against). In hindsight it was much better for my nephew to be away from my brother, he lived to close & would have had a very negative impact on my nephew’s life. All this was taken into account at the time. I visited him very regular for the 4 years he spent in foster care, he was adopted at 4 years old. I went to court to keep contact with him & the court granted me 4 times a year visits, after a three year fight & many appeals. I couldn’t afford a family law solicitor & was told I would lose all contact, but I went to the court & represented myself & my Mum. Problem is my brother shares 2 of these visits with myself & my Mum (when she was well). I did request that my visits were kept separate from my brother, as I was worried that he would jeopardise the contact. But adoptive Mum found it too difficult to travel that often for the visits, which I do understand. My brother is now under threat to lose his contact, because of innapropriate behavior & turning up drunk. He has made no effort to improve his situation & just thinks of himself.
I met both my partners parents. His Mum passed away a few years ago. I know she worked a lot & his Dad is extremely calm & chilled out personality. I never heard an argument in their house. I often said they were like the Walton’s. He has never mentioned any conflict in his home as a child.
My Mum is the most amazing lady, not demanding. Very laid back, encouraged me to follow whichever path I choose. My Dad on the other hand could be very controlling (didn’t work on me) had a bad temper & was pretty distant with myself & my 2 brothers. My middle brother lives near to my parents in a care home. He got very ill as a teenager & was diagnosed schizophrenic. He spent more than 20 years in a phsyciatric hospital. My Mum fought for years to get him out of there, & found a place for him in a lovely care home about 5/6 years ago, where he is now flourishing & has made great improvements. Even with his illness he is a lovely person & much nicer to be around than my addict brother.
I hope some of this info helps. Thankyou so much Anita.
March 10, 2019 at 8:58 am #283947LuluParticipant… I would also like to add that I am aware I do have a fiery side to my nature, usually comes out of frustration. Although I have been working on better ways to respond for many years, since my early 20’s. I am now a much calmer person & very rarely respond in this way. I hated being on the receiving end of this as a child/ teenager and I don’t wish anyone to be on the receiving end from myself. I understood that it was learned behavior & that I needed to make conscious efforts to change this. Which I believe I have.
March 10, 2019 at 9:03 am #283949AnonymousGuestDear Lulu:
“I met both my partners parents… his Dad is extremely calm & chilled.. I never heard an argument in their house”- you know from your own experience that the silent treatment is very quiet, you can’t hear it, but you can definitely feel it.
“My Dad.. had a bad temper”- how did his temper express itself?
anita
March 10, 2019 at 10:45 am #283967LuluParticipantHi Anita.
Sorry for the delay. I was having a chat with my Mum on the telephone 😉
Yes I agree that “The silent treatment is very quiet, you can’t hear it, but you can definitely feel it.” Maybe this is how his Dad reacted & he has learned to react in the same way. I don’t know why, but never really thought about this before. Maybe just because his Dad comes across as very chilled & layed back. I would say my partner is very similar personality to his Dad & he has learned the silent treatment to avoid conflict, discussion about things he doesn’t wish to talk about.
My Dad expressed his temper by completely blowing his top. Shouting, screaming in your face, very threatening, red face & sometimes physically violent. I left home at 17 years old, and spent a lot of time terrified he would hurt my Mum & middle brother. I was the only one that ever really stood up to him. I would tell him he was a bully & that his behavior was disgusting. He would fly off the handle very easily, even if someone said something that he disagreed with or didn’t like, or felt like things were out of his control. He would even say things to provoke, like he wanted an argument. I have been on the receiving end a few times as an adult when I have visited. But have made clear that I will not tolerate this behavior towards myself or other members of my family. He seems to listen when I stand up to him, but it can be extremely stressful & I have threatened to involve the police unless he can control himself. He is a lot calmer since he is older. I have had many sleepless nights worrying about my Mum after I have left.
March 10, 2019 at 11:30 am #283971LuluParticipant… How do I talk to my partner to resolve any issues if he just shuts down? I am a very open & honest person & if I feel something is not right, I say so. I am conscious that I need to use a calm approach with my partner, but it is very difficult to improve on things if the other person is unwilling to participate. He accuses me of being confrontational, when I am very calm in my approach, or tells me what I am thinking. Ie..”You’re only doing this because of xyz”. He or no-one else knows what I am thinking or feeling.
March 10, 2019 at 12:42 pm #283975LuluParticipantHi Anita.
I have been reading through your replies again & I would agree that I probably needed a certain level of distance, hence why my partner was the right fit for me in so many ways. I do find that when people tend to get too much with me too quickly or become overly friendly, it does make me want to run in the opposite direction.
March 10, 2019 at 5:40 pm #283985MarkParticipantLulu,
He does not want to make a will. I suggest you draw one up yourself with your lawyer and bring him to the office to sign it. I am not sure what other commitment you want out of him.
When you said he does not want anything to do with his son, that is a red flag for me. That tells me that he is not a responsible father.
You ask how to talk to someone when he shuts down? He sounds like a person/partner to get emotional support. He won’t or cannot change. I suggest you find others to help you with such things, e.g. your mum.
You need to decide what you want and what to do with your life for he is what he is and probably won’t change.
Mark
March 11, 2019 at 12:38 am #284013LuluParticipantHi Mark,
Thankyou for your reply. It is very honest & to the point. I appreciate that.
I tried to talk to him again last night, very calmly. I do not wish to be living with someone who is happy to ignore me for 3/4 weeks at a time. This is not good for my emotional well being. I said that I did not wish to argue with him & would like to know how he feels about the current state of things in our relationship. I told him how I feel. He said he doesn’t know how he feels, then proceeded again to tell me how I feel & think. Very frustrating. He also said “You already decided you were doing your own thing”. I think he is annoyed that I went to visit my Mum last week without telling him. Although he spends the vast majority of his free time doing what he wants without me.
You are right. I don’t believe he will change. So a will or commitment will not make any difference to us at this point. He refuses to discuss anything that he believes isn’t going to work for him. I have been thinking it may be better me walking away from this. From his lack of wanting to meet me halfway or discuss anything it seems like he might be pushing for this, but he would not walk away, it seems he has more care for our apartment than he does for me at the moment.
Thankyou for your take on things Mark.
-
AuthorPosts