Hi Anita. Thankyou for your reply.

It wasn’t a falling out to begin with. He left for work without saying goodbye (he would usually kiss my head, even if I was asleep). When he got home, I asked him why he didn’t say goodbye, acknowledge me in the morning (I was up & about), he said he didn’t have time. It then turned into a falling out, as he doesn’t like discussing relationship issues. I told him that even when I am in a rush, there is always a few seconds to say goodbye. I wasn’t confrontational & was calm when I spoke to him in the evening. He got very irate, told me I was shouting (I wasn’t) & that I was crazy. He uses the silent treatment to avoid discussing any problems we may be having and has been very emotionally distant from me for some time. After a few days of silent treatment from him. I suggested calmly that we owe it to each other to have a conversation about things. So we sat together for a couple of hours. He suggested that we talk about general stuff, rather than our relationship, to avoid an argument. I chatted about my week, my visit with my nephew, work, my time spent with my brother. He half listened, which is normal for him. I can tell because 10 mins later he questions me about something I have already told him. He often isn’t fully present. But no return conversation about his week & what he has been doing. I have to almost squeeze the information from him. He is always very vague about what he has been doing. I said that I felt the conversation was very one way & I didn’t want to share everything with him, if he is not happy to share with me. This made him very agitated again. Since then 3 more weeks of silent treatment & I have slept in the other room.

I’m sure he did assume that I had gone to visit family & friends for a few days. Although it does ring alarm bells that he didn’t know for sure & didn’t seem at all bothered. I arrived home last night & he looked almost shocked to see me.

I really appreciate your time & look forward to your response Anita.

Best wishes, Lulu.

Hi Mark. Thankyou for your response.

I have always been bothered to an extent. The first few years he was very attentive, but not clingy. I am not a person that needs to be showered in attention, but I do need the basics. Every so often I have said that I am feeling unwanted/ ignored. He then says he understands how I feel, and he will try harder. He does for a while, then things go back to usual. His actions do not match his words a lot of the time.

More commitment I mean a civil partnership, or marriage. I would be happy with us making wills, if he is not up for that level of commitment. He tells me he is organizing it about 2 or 3 years ago. Then nothing happens. We have lived together all this time & I feel I have no security. Although I have paid half the mortgage. He has a son from before we met, who he has never kept in contact with. I have tried to encourage him to make contact over the years. He shuts down again & refuses to talk.

I have always wanted more commitment, he hasn’t. We are now both getting older and for me it is becoming an issue. If anything were to happen to him, half of my home would have to go to his son and I would have to sell up and move. It has also been on my mind more since my Mum has been ill, it made me maybe evaluate things more. I would have also liked to make sure that he is ok (safe in his home) if something happens to me.

I really do love him with all my heart. I just do not feel like my needs are being met anymore.

Thankyou for your input Mark.

… I would also like to add that I am aware I do have a fiery side to my nature, usually comes out of frustration. Although I have been working on better ways to respond for many years, since my early 20’s. I am now a much calmer person & very rarely respond in this way. I hated being on the receiving end of this as a child/ teenager and I don’t wish anyone to be on the receiving end from myself. I understood that it was learned behavior & that I needed to make conscious efforts to change this. Which I believe I have.

Hi Anita.

Sorry for the delay. I was having a chat with my Mum on the telephone 😉

Yes I agree that “The silent treatment is very quiet, you can’t hear it, but you can definitely feel it.” Maybe this is how his Dad reacted & he has learned to react in the same way. I don’t know why, but never really thought about this before. Maybe just because his Dad comes across as very chilled & layed back. I would say my partner is very similar personality to his Dad & he has learned the silent treatment to avoid conflict, discussion about things he doesn’t wish to talk about.

My Dad expressed his temper by completely blowing his top. Shouting, screaming in your face, very threatening, red face & sometimes physically violent. I left home at 17 years old, and spent a lot of time terrified he would hurt my Mum & middle brother. I was the only one that ever really stood up to him. I would tell him he was a bully & that his behavior was disgusting. He would fly off the handle very easily, even if someone said something that he disagreed with or didn’t like, or felt like things were out of his control. He would even say things to provoke, like he wanted an argument. I have been on the receiving end a few times as an adult when I have visited. But have made clear that I will not tolerate this behavior towards myself or other members of my family. He seems to listen when I stand up to him, but it can be extremely stressful & I have threatened to involve the police unless he can control himself. He is a lot calmer since he is older. I have had many sleepless nights worrying about my Mum after I have left.

Hi Anita.

I have been reading through your replies again & I would agree that I probably needed a certain level of distance, hence why my partner was the right fit for me in so many ways. I do find that when people tend to get too much with me too quickly or become overly friendly, it does make me want to run in the opposite direction.

Hi Mark,

Thankyou for your reply. It is very honest & to the point. I appreciate that.

I tried to talk to him again last night, very calmly. I do not wish to be living with someone who is happy to ignore me for 3/4 weeks at a time. This is not good for my emotional well being. I said that I did not wish to argue with him & would like to know how he feels about the current state of things in our relationship. I told him how I feel. He said he doesn’t know how he feels, then proceeded again to tell me how I feel & think. Very frustrating. He also said “You already decided you were doing your own thing”. I think he is annoyed that I went to visit my Mum last week without telling him. Although he spends the vast majority of his free time doing what he wants without me.

You are right. I don’t believe he will change. So a will or commitment will not make any difference to us at this point. He refuses to discuss anything that he believes isn’t going to work for him. I have been thinking it may be better me walking away from this. From his lack of wanting to meet me halfway or discuss anything it seems like he might be pushing for this, but he would not walk away, it seems he has more care for our apartment than he does for me at the moment.

Thankyou for your take on things Mark.