Hi,

I don’t know where to begin my story. Things have happened, they’ve been happening for at least 13 years. My dad started cheating on my mom when I was 13 years old. They’re still together, he’s still cheating with the same woman, my mom knows. There was a lot of drama in the house ages 13 to 17. It was hard on me but my mind couldn’t quite grasp it all, I loved school, I had friends, I had a boyfriend, things were quite good. I dare say I was happy. After high school I went a year abroad, I partied a lot, built a lot of confidence, experimented some. I was happy. Then college came, I was happy for another 3 years. Even though I had always been kind of.. outspoken, a little dramatic, a few insecurities, I was fairly happy, I knew who I was. My parents situation was tiring but we managed as a family.

Then I met a boy and things went south. I don’t feel like going into detail but long story short, it was very toxic and was about 2 years on and off. I became depressed, couldn’t function. Then I met someone else, things weren’t healthy with him either. We broke up, took a break and are together again. We worked out some issues. I still feel a lot of negative emotions towards my ex and sometimes my current boyfriend as well. I have a very stressful and demanding job, but it’s the job I wanted and I work hard every day.

But since I met that one toxic guy, my life has felt empty. It’s been three years of emptiness. I have friends, a boyfriend, a ‘cool’ job. My parents are “managing”. Yet all I can think of is running away. I want to leave. I want to leave everything and everyone. I don’t know who I am but whoever I am, I hate this person. I want to forget my past, I want to ban past people out of my current life. Social Media is the worst, yet I can’t leave it alone, even if I try it’s part of my job. I’ve tried hanging with friends a lot, doing more sports, reading more. But I am so incredibly unhappy. I’ve been to therapy before concerning that toxic relationship, it helped for a while. I go out, I have a social life, hobbies. But it’s just on automatic you know. I can’t talk to my parents, I tried. My boyfriend calls me negative if I go into these things, I don’t feel like he understands who I am, yet seems to love me so much.

I’m disgusted by me, I don’t know how to self care or self love, I don’t know what I want or need. I can’t seem to make anyone understand. I just lost my care and lust for life. It seems to go back to my parents and that one ex, but people are tired of me talking about my ex. I am tired of talking about my ex. I want to let go of past issues but I feel so empty, so stuck.