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Lost my baby

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  • #115202
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hello all,

    It always warms me and helps me relax a little just to see people supporting each other here. Thanks to everyone who offers help.

    About a year ago I lost a baby to premature birth. My hubs and I are trying to get pregnant again, and Ive come to a place in my grieving where I really WANT to let go of all the sad, hopeless, fearful feelings and move on. Im so tired of being cynical and not having hope or optimism anymore. But I just feel… stuck. I think about her almost every day but usually in an upsetting way like being afraid to lose someone else,grieving the life she never got to have, being angry that death could come to someone so innocent, wondering why it happened, and feeling hopeless that I will never get an answer to that question and neither will the thousands of other people who experience loss and trauma every day.

    See what I mean about the negativity?

    Please dont tell me to “feel my feelings”. I do my best with that; Im not perfect but I do try to make time for myself. I cry in the tub or my office or the car. I go to therapy. I listen to angry music. I duke it out with God in my prayers. Ive done that for a year and Im sick and tired of feeling cruddy all the time. I need to be able to look forward to the future again.

    Any help is appreciated. Thanks,
    Jessa

    #115204
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessa:

    I am sorry for your loss.

    You wrote that you are tired of: “being angry that death could come to someone so innocent, wondering why it happened, and feeling hopeless that I will never get an answer to that question” and then you wrote: ” See what I mean about the negativity?”

    The painful reality of death happens to those with a negative attitude and to those with a positive attitude alike. It happens to the young and the old, the innocent and the guilty.

    This is reality. Healing starts, I believe with seeing reality as it is.

    You mentioned praying to god and having questions. Do you mean questions for god? Whatever answers someone talking for god may have for you, they will not change the reality that children die and if there was or is some entity that could have prevented it.. well, that entity didn’t, not for many millions of children through history.

    Please post again.

    anita

    #115239
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jessa,

    Two out of five pregnancies end in miscarriage. I have three children and have had five pregnancies. “Why should I be different from everybody else?” Those are the statistics. It’s not fun when you see yourself part of a statistic. We want our pregnancies to be magical and a blessed time. A dirty little secret of being female is that pregnancies are messy and dangerous. In the old days we might not be alive after giving birth (to a stillborn or live birth). I know I wouldn’t.

    Spiritually we live in a fallen world. God blesses us at times (and seems to take His time!) but at other times we are left to duke it out on our own. As part of the natural order on this planet. Where not all births are live or healthy ones.

    I was a mess both times. I’d feel all the feels. My family let me get angry and storm off at inappropriate times. And in fact encouraged it. It was very sad, but the pregnancies themselves somehow brought Light to me and their losses taught me compassion and that I am human.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    #115241
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. If you have not had a ritual for your baby, have one! Make one up! Light a candle and talk to her spirit. This will emotionally help your body feel well enough to welcome and nurture a new life should you get pregnant again.

    #115294
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi Jessa,

    I am sorry for your loss and feel your pain!

    The simple answer to your question is “Karma” – both good and bad things that happen to us are a part of our karma!

    Karma does not fit into any religion except Hinduism/Buddhism, and hence it is so difficult for people to accept!!

    Please do not let the grieving/sadness turn into depression – you have happiness just ahead of you.

    God bless!

    #115316
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    May have been better to have lost the child in that way than to have carried it to term and then discovered problems.

    As far as why did death come to somebody so innocent, death comes for all of us. From the moment the “winning” spermatozoa punches through the other layers of the egg, death comes for that zygote. While the Time and place may be unknown, that zygote will, eventually, die. Guilt, innocence, etc. have nothing to do with it.

    You will never get an answer as to why, at least not in a metaphysical sense. People come up with a lot to stories to make themselves feel better, but there is no why.

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