August 24, 2013 at 7:48 am #41088
This is my first time writting on this forum, but from what I have read so far, all of you are very loving and kind and give great advice. So here goes:
I am an only child and have been single for all of my 32 yrs, Then, one day I met the most beautiful girl I have ever seen at work of all places! It was love at first sight for me. We emailed each other eveyday and then finally started dating. It was exciting to have a partner to so close at work and nearby always. She was my first love and sexual partner and we were together for 6 months. It was not all sunshine and rainbows, we argued over silly things but would always make up and keep the realtionship going. I will admit, being my first relationship I did not always know how to handle problems and she would often say “you do not know what it is like to be in a relationship”. This hurt a lot coming from someone I cared deeply for. Then one night we were out with friends and she started an argument in front over everyone (she was drunk) and told me that our relationship wasn't going anywhere and left me and her friends drove her home. I tried everything to get her back from cards, to poems to emails at work but she didn't seem the slightest bit interested in reconciliation. She was my first heartbreak…
Not even a few months later, my mom was rushed to the hospital with severe pain. She was on dialysis from kidney failure and caught an infection in her cath, tube (pretty common) but he was stubborn and didn't want to go to the hospital right away, so she laid in her bed in pain for 12 hrs. When she was finally admitted, she received some pain medication and I went in to see her after she was comfortable. We chatted for awhile, and then she started throwing up suddenly. I turned her on her side and ran to get a nurse and while I was gone her heart stopped (her blood pressure was dangerously low). I pulled her up and looked into her eyes as her life slipped away. Luckily, they were able to revive her and she spent 3 days in the ICU fighting for her life (I never left her side during this time). Evemtually though, the infection turned to septic shock and I had to make the decison to end her life support. I watched her draw her last breaths and pass peacefully from me as I held her hand and told her I loved her.
Both of these traumatic events in my life happened in such a short span of time and I am having a terrible time processing them. I know when someone we love passes, we often try and replace them here in life, and that is why I fought so hard to get my Ex back. I think I only ended up pushing her away though as she is now with someone new. The comfort of her close presence at work which was once so loving, is now a painful reminder of the love that I lost. She even has pictures of her new BF on the walls of her cubicle, which were bare the whole time we dated….Its all very hard on the heart. The sad thing is, she was not even there for me when I was greiving over my mom, she met my mom and my mom really liked her. I didn't even get a card from my Ex, only a few text mesages. So I learned a breakup CAN be quite permanent, just like death
I know I need to move on, but I feel I have somehow bundled these losses together in my mind and heart. There is a huge void that I carry now inside over losing the two most important women in my life so suddenly, who loved me and then left me all so suddenly. It is all very hard on the heart….August 24, 2013 at 8:34 am #41090
I am so sorry for your losses, and my prayers go out to help you with your grieving. There is a great book called “Swallowed by a Snake” that can help. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0965464911
Grief takes time to heal, and there is a lot of emotion to process. It is very normal, usual and needed. It also sucks, a lot. My teacher once told me (when I was grieving the death of my father) that we help ourselves best by making space for ourselves. Being gentle, nurturing, reaching out to trusted friends, writing, painting, crying… letting ourselves express and emote the feelings we have onto safe canvases.
As men, we're too often conditioned to pretend were smiling, resilient heroes… and this can lead us to suppress our feelings, where they only get bottled up and don't heal well. Instead, we can give ourselves space to accept the big things as big, and grieve them.
Namaste, brother, I wish you well.
MattAugust 26, 2013 at 4:52 am #41171
Thank you Matt! I found my local library has that book and I will definiately be checking it out. I have made a lot of self-progress since my breakup and my mother's death. I started running, working out, tried gentle yoga, expanded my social circle and even joined an online dating site. Also, being a reader and a ‘thinker' by nature, I have also read everything I can get my hands on realtionships and dating.
I have come so far! but I am still having a hard time accepting that these two special women are no longer a part of my life. I was always close with my mother and I always turned to her for help with things like this. Friends are a big help and I lean on them often for help and support. Still, in the quiet moments at night, my mind turns to my old relationship and I wonder what else I could have done to better to keep her in my life. It is very hard to be so close to someone and share so many great times and then, in an instant they are gone from your life.
I thank you for your prayers and I hope someday I will know love again.August 26, 2013 at 9:02 am #41182
Well done Nick, you are doing great. That's really hard, what you have gone through – two difficult life events. Fair play to you, getting out there and meeting new friends, despite how hard it can be. I would love to do more of that myself !
As Matt said, the grief will take time to heal, but you are doing everything you can, and being so pro – active. You will get stronger and stronger as you are building up a base of activities and hobbies that will keep you focused.
Its not easy, so be kind to yourself,
Barbs.August 27, 2013 at 7:16 am #41244
Thank you Barbara for your advice and encouragement! It has been a difficult path, but I think I am on the right track. I beleve that these events have served as a ‘wake up' call of sorts to show me how fragile love and life truly are. When we love someone, get close to someone we open ourselves up to the possibility of pain and loss. We become complacent and take for graned that these special people will always be with us, no matter what -and often times they are, but nothing is permanent, not even life.
A quick update, yesterday I received my first passport and I am super excited for all of the opportunities for traveling and seeing the world. I also have a date on thursday with a nice girl I met online! I have lost about 30 pounds running and I get lots of compliments from friends and co-workers, and that makes me feel good too. I am also looking to get involved in some local charity work.
I found this quote from the author Wendel Berry the other day and I think it sums up my journey very nicely:
“I am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. Often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circling or a doubling back. I have been in the Dark Wood of Error any number of times. I have known something of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, but not always in that order. The names of many snares and dangers have been made known to me, but I have seen them only in looking back. Often I have not known where I was going until I was already there. I have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or I have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. Often I have received better than I deserved. Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led – make of that what you will.”
Thank you all!