Home→Forums→Relationships→Lost the love of my life
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May 6, 2018 at 3:06 pm #205857AnonymousInactive
I met a guy who I was instantly attracted to. Like I’ve never felt before, the sparks were there massively. After much flirting he asked me on a date and it was amazing. By the end of the evening we had both admitted to feeling the chemistry and we couldn’t wait for our next date. Fast forward a month and we have this amazing connection. I kept asking for us to enjoy this feeling but to also take it slowly as I saw no need to rush. However he wanted to rush things and told me he was falling in love and wanted to be I a proper relationship, meet my kids etc wtf which I was holding off on doing. I felt the same but wanted to keep the pace of our relationship steady, enjoying every momebt with him as we got to know each other. My feelings take longer to come i guess and I’m a reserved person. I guess i fear commitment to an extent as i fear being hurt, so can be closed off at times. I did open up to him a lot but not as much as he wanted. 2 months later we had a huge argument because of my unwillingness to commit, he was becoming more and more clingy and needy so I broke the relationship off. It killed me to do it but I panicked because of how he was acting. After a week of reflecting on the relationship and missing him like crazy i got back in contact with him and told him I do love him and that I want to prove to him that I do. I apologised for being distant but explained my thought process and how his behaviour had pushed me.away but I admitted that the speed of our relationship and how strong my feeling were had frightened me and made me back off. It’s been 3 weeks now and he still cant decide if he wants to take me back or not and I’m absolutely heart broken. I can’t forgive myself and feel like I’ve lost the love of my life. He tells me he still has feelings for me but that he’s fallen out of love with me in the week we were apart. One minute he tells me he wants me back and then the next he says he’s unsure. I don’t know what to do. I love him a lot and feel like he was ‘the one’. I don’t want to give up on him but I can’t live in this limbo. I’ve tried talking to him but he barely responds and has cancelled plans to meet many times. Should i let him go and move on? I feel like although i did wrong i dont deserve to feel this way
May 6, 2018 at 5:53 pm #205869AireneParticipantHello FullOfRemorse86,
Anytime someone is pushing you to do something you do not want to do, and continues to push you to do something you do not want to do even though you have explained that you do not want to do it – this is a red flag. What I read in your post is that the person you are head over heels in love with became needy and clingy when you told him “wait a minute, I need to think about this.” This is also a red flag.
Now, you have rethought your position, asked him to “take you back”, and he is treating you like a puppet on a string. I am wondering two things. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will treat you this way – he’s hemming and hawing, cancelling plans on you, barely responds when you try to talk to him?? And also, why have you not set some limits with him telling him you won’t live in limbo (notice I said “won’t,” not “can’t”. The difference is with by saying won’t, YOU are setting the limits and are in control of your life. Saying “can’t” puts the love of your life in control, as if you are waiting for him to make the decision!
You said he told you that he fell out of love with you in the week you were apart. Does this sound like the kind of love you want from someone? You also said you want to “prove to him that you love him.” My thought is that if you love someone and they love you, it’s something you feel – and it’s a good feeling. It’s not something to prove, or apologize for, or feel like you are doing something wrong or that they are doing you a favor.
I would stop all contact with him as of right now, and move on.
Airene
May 6, 2018 at 8:03 pm #205879MichelleParticipantIf I’m reading this correctly, you were together for only three months. I’m sorry but I think what you felt was intense lust, not love. I would also like to agree with the advice given by Airene in that you were presented with numerous red flags about this guy that I find troubling, most of which is how he is treating you now. For someone that was so desperate to claim you just a short while ago, he sure did turn off rather quickly. I think he’s the type of person that loves CONTROL over someone, nothing else.
I’m sensing that he is a narcissistic personality and that it would be best for you to cut your losses and move on now before things get worse. Trust me.
May 7, 2018 at 12:19 am #205903AnonymousInactiveThank you for your responses. It was only a short relationship but I feel so strongly for him I’m scared I’ll never feel like this with someone else. I was married for 5 years previously before this guy and never felt this way about my husband who was my first partner. I feel like this is the first time I’ve truly loved somebody and felt a connection with them. He has actually messaged me through the night to say we can meet and talk tonight and now I’m not sure whether to or not. I feel like I need closure but I also feel like he is stringing me along. I think I am giving him an ego boost at the moment and that is why he is keeping in contact. I have very low self esteem and suffer with anxiety and depression and I’m really beating myself up about this. I really hate myself at the moment. I was sexually abused as a child and suffered rape when I was a teenager and he’s the first person i told about this I felt so comfortable and safe with him. I understand what you say about lust but I really do feel like I’m in love with him. Our connection felt so strong. Any tips on walking away and getting over somebody? Im in so much pain right now
May 7, 2018 at 7:46 am #205947AnonymousGuestDear FullOfRemorse86:
In your original post you asked: “Should I let him go and move on?”. In your recent post, you asked: “Any tips on walking away and getting over somebody?”-
Does this mean that you have made your decision, following your first post to indeed let him go and move on?
anita
May 7, 2018 at 9:11 am #205961AnonymousInactiveHi Anita. I’m full of uncertainty towards him. Well towards the situation. I feel lost and empty at the moment. I’d do anything to have back what we had. But with how he is acting I fear that he is stringing me along, maybe to spare my feelings of admitting that it’s totally over for him or maybe to hurt my feelings by giving me false hope. Whenever I back off and stop texting him I’ll suddenly get 3 or 4 messages off him. Then I text or call back and get the silent treatment again. It’s like he’s playing games with me. He asked me if he could come round tonight to which I responded yes and asked him if he will definately be turning up (the last 3 times we’ve arranged to meet he has cancelled very last minute) and if he isn’t then to just tell me it’s over so that I can move on, he didn’t reply to that message although I know he has read it. My heart is breaking over this, I just need to know whether he wants me or not. He seems unwilling to give me a straight answer. I don’t know if it’s just better to move on with my life. The thought of life without him though seems empty and pointless. I find no joy in anything anymore
May 7, 2018 at 9:38 am #205963AnonymousGuestDear FullOfRemorse86:
He wanted you to introduce him to your kids one month or so into this relationship. It is often recommended to women to get to know a man for a long time before introducing him to minor children. It is to your credit that you didn’t introduce him to your children. I am assuming he has heard of such a recommendation but ignored it. This is concerning. Especially since you shared with him that you were sexually abused as a child. A parent’s duty is to protect one’s children. Didn’t he understand it, or consider it, I wonder.
Another thing is again, you shared with him sensitive material. And it reads to me that he may very well be punishing you at this point for not moving fast enough in the relationship with him and for breaking up with him. Doesn’t he have empathy for you, for having experienced he hurt you have already in life, I wonder. Doesn’t he consider that it is not right for him to intentionally intend to bring you more hurt by punishing you.
Assuming he is punishing you.
If he is not aware that he was unreasonably too fast in demanding to be introduced to your children, and if he is not aware that in affect he is punishing you, that is causing you unnecessarily pain by his pull and push behavior, then he is a very unaware man.
If he is aware, he is cruel. If he is unaware, he is impulsive and not in much control of his behavior. I think that you should soon, very soon bring this to a resolution. You do not deserve to be punished. And/ or it is not a good idea to get involved with an impulsive man not in control of his behavior.
Which brings me to my first point, as a cruel man and/or an impulsive man, he is not a good choice for introduction into your children’s lives.
anita
May 7, 2018 at 10:16 am #205971AnonymousInactiveHe was very offended when I told him I didn’t want to introduce him to my children just yet. I tried to explain to him why but it caused a lot of tension in the relationship and he would often bring it up in a scornful way. He acted like it was an insult against him and like I didn’t trust him. He acted as though I was very much in the wrong. To be honest up until this point I have felt a lot a guilt over that, I was beginning to feel like I was lucky to find a man interested enough to want to meet my children and that I’ve ‘thrown him away’. I very much appreciate the new perspective on that aspect of the relationship, it has opened my eyes. I don’t believe he would have ever brought any harm to my children but his lack of consideration about it is concerning.
He could be quite impulsive and although I wouldn’t call him cruel he seemed the type to hold a grudge (I picked up on it when he talked about his ex or lost friends). I looked passed his flaws and imperfections though because I could truly see a goodness inside him. I’ve never felt so content and happy as I did when I was in his company. He felt like a missing piece to me, like we fit together to make a whole.
When I try and bring up how much this is hurting me he doesn’t seem overly concerned. Infact looking back through our messages he doesn’t really acknowledge when I say it or respond to it.
I feel that for my children’s sake if for nothing else that I’m best to cut him out of my life. I’ve been very down this past month and although they are young both of my children have picked up on my sadness and have caught me crying over him. It’s just so hard as I keep asking myself ‘What if’ and replaying everything through my head over and over. I’m driving myself insane
May 7, 2018 at 10:45 am #205979AnonymousGuestDear FullOfRemore86:
Reads to me that he is self centered to the point of not being reasonable. A reasonable man would consider that a woman should not introduce a man into her children’s lives so soon and respect you for that. He on the other hand took it as a personal insult against him, as if your reasonable cautious behavior that applies to any and every man in his position was about him.
This means he is likely to believe other choices you would make, choices that displease him, are insults against him.
You wrote that you keep asking yourself “What if”- I can suggest to you my possibilities of what-if:
He continues to point to you as the Wrong One, when there is conflict, when things don’t go as he wishes that they go. Knowing how he responds to you when he believes you are wrong, you are quick to apologize and try to make it up to him. A pattern is born: he accuses you of wrong doing, you apologize, he punishes you some, eventually, maybe forgives you.. until next time.
Living with you and your children, he points to them as the ones being in the Wrong, when in conflict with him. Doesn’t matter that they are children and he is the adult, physically. They walk on eggshells, afraid to be accused as wrong, and over time, believing that they are in the wrong (a damaging core belief to live with).
I think better cut him out of your life, like you wrote.
anita
May 8, 2018 at 10:44 am #206329AnonymousInactiveSo I told him that I was choosing to move on and cut contact with him. I didn’t list all the reasons, mainly just that I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have been by him. He rang me and messaged me many times telling me he loved me and that he can’t imagine his life without me etc. It really got to me and where as before I’d sent the message id felt so strong and ready to move on, I ended up asking him again if we could give it another try. I feel so ashamed for caving in so soon after finally taking back some control of myself. It’s made worse by the fact that he has now gone back to ignoring me. And I feel crushed all over again. It’s been 4 weeks of pain now. What are the best ways for me to move on and cut him off completely? To try and heal my heart and get over him? I feel helpless to him atm. I can’t stop thinking about him despite knowing what a piece of shit he actually is. Why do i still want him? Its hurting so much
May 8, 2018 at 11:10 am #206337MichelleParticipantIt’s not going to be easy but you need to stay the course. I would text him stating that you’ve reconsidered and feel that it would be in both your best interests to end the relationship and move on. But then you need to mean it. You should focus on other things (perhaps your kids or other hobbies). Delete his number. This man is manipulative and the more you continue, the more it will hurt in the future. I wish you luck.
May 8, 2018 at 11:22 am #206339AnonymousInactiveThank you for replying Michelle. I’m so ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I’ve always been so closed off and hard towards others I can’t believe I’ve let my guard down enough to become manipulated by him this way. It’s worse because I know he is doing it! It’s like my brain and my heart are at war with one another. My judgement feels so clouded atm I don’t know what is true and what isn’t. I daren’t message him again but I will delete his number. I’ve blocked him on Facebook too. I’m sure this sounds so silly as we were only together 4 months (and before I met him I know exactly what I would be telling someone going through this) but I love him so much I really can’t imagine my life without him, how can that even be possible after such a short amount of time!
May 8, 2018 at 11:29 am #206341MichelleParticipantDon’t feel bad. I know how you feel because I’ve been there too. I have to go to work but when I return I will write about my story and how I’ve been coping. I think you may see some parallel lines with it that can help you.
May 8, 2018 at 2:14 pm #206361AnonymousGuestDear FullOfRemorse:
You asked how can it be possible, to feel the way you do after such a short time of knowing him. I think it is possible because lots of what you feel is not about who he is but what he represents for you. And what he represents for you has been in you for a long, long time and it brings up a lot of emotion in you.
What does he represent: hope for … what?
I hope you feel better soon enough, that you are gentle with yourself, not hard, not punishing. If you would like, do answer my question. I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Hope to read from you by then.
anita
May 8, 2018 at 6:01 pm #206377MichelleParticipantHere is my story of how one can fall for a manipulative person and the reflection it took to realize why it happened.
In July of 2014, my father passed away at the age of 63 to terminal cancer. It was fast. I barely had time to really understand what was happening before he was gone. After this I entered a depression. I was not in a relationship at the time. I hadn’t been for a few years and just felt really sad, lost and alone. I mention this because I don’t know if you were going through a similar situation/feeling when you met your person. It may have inhibited your judgment.
A few months later, I met “D”. D was originally from India; I am from Canada with no prior knowledge of their culture. We instantly clicked. He was very flirtatious, made me feel appreciated and I fell deeply. HAVING SAID THAT, I also did have red flags. My intuition told me something wasn’t right. In retrospect, he was always demanding of my time and attention on HIS schedule but rarely reciprocated when I was in need. He would become cold and even abusive at times. I would constantly get excuses from him. I broke things off several times but always returned within a week or two. He was in my life, but not fully in my life. I didn’t complain though because, again, he was helping me out of my depression. Or so I thought.
Fast forward a bit, two years to be exact. He started to get serious and asked me for marriage. Again, there were some red flags but I told him “if you ask me seriously, then I will answer seriously”. He told me he was. I started to actually feel like this might lead to something. Maybe it would be a happy ever after. That is when my intuition told me to become a Russian spy and I did some sleuthing (as anyone should before they get too serious; in this day and age, it’s not difficult to do). I discovered that he had an online profile on a marriage website (Indians don’t really date; they just get married to someone after interacting a few times). I confronted him and from there he told me that he flirted with a lot of girls and that I meant nothing to him. He would only marry a nice Indian girl of his parent’s choosing. He then got mad at me and told me to never tell anyone what happened. After I said he was a horrible human being for what he did to me, he became apologetic and basically begged me to keep him in my life. It was an emotional whirlwind.
But I was done. It was hard—very hard—for me to just let go of something I invested two years in. For the longest time I felt conflicted between heart and mind. My heart felt love … but my mind knew it didn’t exist as I imagined it. I’m just over a year out now, I realize it was just that … missing something that didn’t actually exist within HIM but that existed within ME (Anita mentions this too). I don’t miss him or want him back. He was a jerk that took advantage of someone during a low point in their life. What I miss is the companionship. The attention. I missed the feeling of belonging. D filled this void that was left by my father’s death. But I can find that with someone else. D didn’t love me. That is the bare minimum of what I – and YOU – deserve in a relationship. The person you describe does not love you, they love your attention (which is why they want it on their schedule and by their rules). A person who loves you would be more understanding of your situation and not punish you the way he has.
This is going to hurt for awhile, I won’t lie. But it will hurt more in the future if you allow the manipulation to continue. You will feel even less of a person. In a relationship, you need an equal.
Try to remain strong. And if you need to vent more, I am listening. 🙂
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