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Lost,scared, alone

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  • #86917
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi,

    I used to be very good at distracting myself or making myself happy. I find that has become nearly impossible for me. I have depression and PTSD from sexual abuse as a child and rape. These days I can not find myself to enjoy anything. I find myself longing for a partner from time to time. I find myself looking for love and for hope. I don’t think life is worth it anymore. I want to set myself free. I feel so trapped, scared, and lost. I am alone. I always have been and always will have to figure out life by myself. After my relationship ended with my ex, he is still in my life because we attend the same university. I am torn apart when friends mention seeing him. What’s the point of life anyways? To work? To meet someone? To have children? There is no point for any of that. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I think about my ex every single day not necessarily good or bad thoughts or thoughts of getting back together. I am the girl who can not move on. I want to die and end all of the suffering. I am already in therapy and have been for over a year and I am on medication. I exercise now and then and eat well. I just want to give up…the only thing stopping me is my fear. I am a senior in university now.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
    #86925
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    You wrote that you are alone and always have been and always will have to figure out life by yourself. I think it can be very helpful to you, right now, on this very thread, to un-alone yourself, for now, right here and now, post again. Post in a way that as you type, you feel less alone. Post in that kind of way. I will read and respond thoughtfully and empathetically.

    anita

    #86926
    anita
    Participant

    #86931
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for responding. I feel so differently from other people. I think a lot of people who are where i’m at have very supportive families. Either financially, emotionally, academically, or in any other way others have some sort of support. It’s very overwhelming for me to think about what will happen when my meal plan runs out. I do not have much money saved up and am searching for a job. I have been limiting my food intake in fear I will not have anything left to eat. It’s very scary. My mother can unconsciously think of sending money to her family abroad. I am currently in a law suit and i’m still in university. Someone wants more money on their apartment than we agreed on and they are just vengeful. I can’t share this with my parents because they will not be understanding, probably pin the blame on me, and get angry which won’t really help but stress me out even more.

    In addition, I feel as if I get taken advantage of because I too understanding, forgiving, and passive almost like a doormat. There are some good people in my life, but in the past the majority of people that I was friends with always brought me down. I find it so difficult and nearly impossible to meet someone who is as sensitive as me. Although I have been very resilient because of my struggles in life, they have all taken a toll on me.

    #86934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    From your post above I have a better understanding of your feeling so alone, it is being afraid and alone, isn’t it? You are afraid that you won’t have enough food to eat, that you will run out of money and you don’t have a way to find comfort from the fear, not by getting financial help from your parents, I understand and not by getting EMOTIONAL SUPPORT from your parents. You wrote that if you told them, what you will get in return is BLAME and ANGER.

    What you need besides money is emotional comfort, someone to empathize with you, to tell you something like: I can see that you are afraid and hold your hand, smile to you in that accepting, approving way, tell you they love you and are on your side.

    I suppose you didn’t get that kind of comfort from them in the past, this is why you are now expecting the same old thing: blame and anger.

    We, as the human animals that we are, have to live with fear, that powerful, often overwhelming emotion. To live well with fear we have to be COMFORTED. People search for comfort for their fear in all kinds of ways: food, drugs, gambling, relationships, any “high” and distraction they can get, often because they didn’t have comforting people in their early lives and maybe none in their present lives.

    No way getting around the need to be comforted. Please use this forum, here, to seek comfort and any person who has it within themselves to SEE you and care for you.

    As you read this, maybe, take a deep breath and put your arms around yourself, your body, feel the touch of your own hand on your face and say something comforting to yourself: “I can see you are afraid. I am here for you.” Make part of yourself comfort the scared part of you.

    anita

    #86940
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much for helping me understand where i’m at. You are very insightful. You are right, I do not feel as if i’m seen for who I am. I feel as if some people (my ex) and my other friend at the time see me as a depressed, broken, unorganized girl and that’s all they see. When I have an opinion, this friend never let me voice it without putting it down somehow. If I talk about politics, then according to her I am not supporting women’s rights. You are right. I am afraid. I have always been afraid. When I was a child, I was afraid to be me. The sensitive me could never come out because we weren’t allowed to be upset or cry. Even when we were punished we were not allowed to cry or be comforted. Now, these feelings just seep out and erupt like lava from a volcano when I least expect them. It was very difficult for me to control how I expressed, felt my emotions so that they were not over whelming to myself or to others when I let myself feel. I had worked so hard to please everyone and be what they wanted, never being myself that I found myself not knowing who I was entirely. I will speak to my mother on the phone and never let on that i’m upset, she won’t even ask if I don’t say anything or sound off. I can’t fall Anita, there is nothing, no one to fall on. I am alone. At the end of the day, my friends have their own families, their own lives, and can only be there for me as much as they can.

    When you wrote “What you need besides money is emotional comfort, someone to empathize with you, to tell you something like: I can see that you are afraid and hold your hand, smile to you in that accepting, approving way, tell you they love you and are on your side”, I cried because it was so true.

    To my parents i’m the high achiever, the perfect child, with perfect grades, who will do whatever they want, who will be self sufficient emotionally and physically, who will figure out life alone, who will never need support, who doesn’t need empathy because that’s not how we become “strong”.

    For some people, I’m just a doormat who they can dump their feelings on, their anger, and whatever manipulation they want because to them I need them and no matter what they do, I will forgive them. For others, I am just a happy person who makes jokes all the time and isn’t very bright. For others, I am bright and never make mistakes. For others, including my own mother I am someone who can be used for her own benefit, for money, for emotional support, for dumping, for advice.

    For others, I am just a pretty face and nothing else, something they can use for their physical pleasure (in university). For others, I am a warm, funny, kind person and those are the people who make me feel good, but there are very few.

    It makes me very sad that my good qualities are what have led me to be abused physically and emotionally time and time again. I am forgiving, empathetic, kind, compassionate, sometimes passive and other times assertive. I am assertive when my feelings are hurt, but after that I will apologize. I am the person who will take all the blame, but I will feel so badly about myself afterwards. I am very sensitive and it makes living in this world so hard.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
    #86942
    Annie
    Participant

    When I was younger, and even a teenager, my parents and siblings would poke jokes at me because I always had a headache. I always had a headache because my house was too small and there were too many people. My siblings are loud and every time I spent time with them I would end up with a headache.

    #86962
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    You wrote: “we weren’t allowed to be upset or cry. Even when we were punished we were not allowed to cry.” You were not allowed to be upset or cry because that inconvenienced your parents. And so you repressed those feelings that made your parents uncomfortable.

    Your parents did not operate for your well being, for your benefit. They still do not, blaming you and angry with you if your feelings inconvenience them. They give you the same message as always: you are inconveniencing them.

    I am so very sorry you were not and are not loved by your parents. This is NOT love.

    What you need is love. It is what you always needed, someone to SEE you, to mirror to you what you feel, to accept you for whatever it is you feel, to comfort you, to allow you a place where you feel safe to feel and to learn from what you feel about who you are and who other people are. Without feelings, with feelings repressed, there is no knowing but confusion.

    What are you going to do, Annie?

    anita

    #86965
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie, more:

    I promised you empathy and thoughtfulness and I don’t know if I fulfilled that promise above. So I will try better:

    Your emotions, you need them so very much for your mental health, so very much. All the knowing you need, about who you are, and what is going on around you, that information is in your emotions. Because you were punished for emoting, for feeling, you repressed your “weak” feelings and now you either don’t feel, don’t know what you feel or get overwhelmed with intensity of feeling. To unblock that block, that repression you may need good psychotherapy. In psychotherapy you can learn how to tolerate that intensity, that overwhelm, how to regulate your emotions, so you feel them and not get overwhelmed.

    You can learn go from the trap of dissociation-> overwhelm to … just feeling, like you did before you were repeatedly punished.

    When you just feel, like you did before you were punished for feeling, before you were hurt this way, you will find out the basics of who you are and how to behave. Your eyes will open to a world that was hidden from you. To SEE you need those feelings. (I use feelings and emotions interchangeably).

    You have work to do to heal yourself from the damage caused by your parents who were inconvenienced by you being a human being, one with emotions.

    Dare to inconvenience them- dare to… inconvenience anyone and everyone and

    reclaim what is yours: reclaim what they robbed from you.

    If you’d like, please post again. Please do.
    anita

    anita

    #86987
    Annie
    Participant

    Yes, everything you have said has really helped me understand my feelings or at least to acknowledge that they are there. I have had some good people in my life, unfortunately, I could never trust them or be secure in my relationships.

    …someone to SEE you, to mirror to you what you feel, to accept you for whatever it is you feel, to comfort you, to allow you a place where you feel safe to feel and to learn from what you feel about who you are and who other people are. Without feelings, with feelings repressed, there is no knowing but confusion.

    These words carry so much meaning for me.

    “Because you were punished for emoting, for feeling, you repressed your “weak” feelings and now you either don’t feel, don’t know what you feel or get overwhelmed with intensity of feeling.” You are right – I get confused all the time. I can never truly make a decision. I go back and fourth and continue to get hurt. I am still afraid to openly feel because I am afraid I may be criticized or judged for it.

    #87011
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Annie,

    Sensitive people have a tough time because it is a rare condition and family does not understand it !

    Please read the book ‘The Highly sensitive person’ by Dr. Elaine Aron – here is her website which also has other information:
    http://hsperson.com/

    Depression makes you feel life is miserable and will always stay that way – but life does get better – Slowly !

    It is natural as a human to want love and companionship – you Will find love again – please be patient and have faith in yourself and the Universe !

    GOD bless !!

    #87031
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    Did you experience the following:

    Starting to cry, have the beginning of tears in your eyes, and suddenly stopping, forgetting what you were feeling, feeling like a fake, like you were pretending to be sad, like you were making it up

    Feeling ashamed about feeling sorry for yourself, as if you should be ashamed to have pity for yourself

    Not feeling afraid when you are in real danger? Feeling nothing, numb, not afraid when it seems like you are supposed to feel afraid, like other people would feel afraid but you feel nothing?

    Startled often, afraid, I suppose, distressed often, for no immediate reason

    Thinking a lot, trying to find answers to what is going on, not knowing what is going on, what are people’s motivations, thinking over time, obsessing but remaining confused

    Spacing out a lot, daydreaming?

    Not knowing what to say when people ask how you are or what you are feeling>?

    Afraid you will lose control if you feel something intensely, fearing feeling, afraid feeling will take over you and you will do things you will regret

    Often losing control of yourself, promising yourself you will control yourself from now on, but failing again and again?

    Feeling uncomfortable most of the time except when you take breaks such as daydreaming, and sleeping…

    Seeing yourself from the outside, observing yourself with detachment, sometimes wanting to get out of a situation but watching yourself staying, as if paralyzed, and staying in abusive or undesirable situations

    Getting confused over the smallest decisions, thinking and thinking and not knowing what to choose>?

    ???

    anita

    #87039
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi BenzRabbit,

    I do read parts of the book when I have time and it is very helpful in helping me understand my feelings.

    Anita,
    I can really relate to this…this is odd, I have definitely noticed that. nd suddenly stopping, forgetting what you were feeling, feeling like a fake, like you were pretending to be sad, like you were making it up

    Yes, I have all of these emotions… How do you know? Have you experienced this yourself? I am amazed!

    I am actually doing a little bit better right now, I am starting to see all the love around me (in friendships).

    #87061
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    Those things I listed in my previous post to you is what i have been experiencing lifetime, five decades and am currently in the PROCESS of experiencing life otherwise. These are the result of dissociation, separating myself, at an early age, from my emotions because I was attacked, by my mother, for feeling them. I was rejected for feeling and therefore for being me.

    The process, my process, started in 2011 and reconnecting to my emotional self has been and is a very gradual, intentional process, requiring, I understand now, extreme patience. I hope you are in such a process, in therapy, otherwise, slowly, gradually, patiently re-connecting to those feelings of yours that were rejected, as you expressed, by your parents.

    anita

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